One of THOSE Days

     Just feeling depressed today. Not that I would let anyone know it. It's my deal not theirs, why make others feel the same way. I went to the gym this morning and ate what I should today and for some reason I just feel like crying. I know it is MY own doing, I ate the wrong things, I did not move around as I should have and the years went by. I KNOW this and I know what I am doing will eventually show to myself that I am doing the right thing. Problem is I feel like shit sometimes. I feel very unattractive at the moment.  I know I don't break mirrors but sometimes it's difficult to look at yourself and not just see a blob!! Tonight is one of those nights. I will get over it as I always do but it's a bit cathartic to write this as I've never admitted this to people. 

     You people in the "normal to chubby" range have no idea and I hope you never do.  The embarrassment of waiting for a ride for an hour at an amusement park only to get there and be told you are too big to ride it. How about seeing the face of a person at the theater or crowded movie when you go to sit next them and you can see they are horrified and nervous that you will steal "Their" space and crowd them! Never mind the side of the seat digging into your thighs. Yet you smile and make the best out of it. Fat people usually fall into one of several categories. The rude obnoxious person who no one wants to be around anyway. The clown, always funny always laughing. The bully who uses their size to intimidate people. Or the person who doesn't realize they are fat and gets ridiculed by others including other fat people.  I'm not sure where I fall, probably clown, but I add to it. I have a heart and I care about many things and many people. I tend to joke about my size and yes it's a defense at times. In my day to day world with those that know me I don't feel the need but occasionally on unfamiliar turf a good offense is a good defense.

     I just want to feel sexy!! How female, how self absorbed but it's been so long since I've felt that way. I have been told I am sexy and God I love those people for what they see; I just want to be able to see if for myself.  I was actually chatted up by a nice man in the grocery store the other day and it felt good, I will admit. I'm not used to it. Oh no really, I'm sure you are all aghast that it doesn't happen every day! LOL

It's now 10PM and I'm finding that I'm rambling and ranting. Really guys this is not a normal day for  me, normally I'm very cheerful and outgoing but occasionally I do feel this way. like I said I'm going to be very honest in these blogs and many will choose not to read them. That's okay, like I told my new friend from South Beach Diet, we are beautiful, we have much to give and we need to love ourselves so that we can show the world a complete person that they will also love. Until next rant...good night!