I'm going for it

I'm getting my hair cut short!! My hair is not in the best shape, my hairdresser said red is hard to take out, but I told her to go for it. So now the middle and ends of my hair are shot. I want my natural grey white to grow out so I can tint it funky shades and not actually dye it. So even with high end conditioners my hair is not feeling how I want. It's white, I look like a Malfoy and I can rock it but it's annoying me. I'm not working so as long as it looks styled I don't care if it's a pixie style. I've had them, I actually look good in them and it will give me motivation to keep losing my double chin. Lol . I made my choice HEAR YE HEAR YE LADY MARY SHALL CUT HER LOCKS.  Too much? 😂😂 So I'm calling my hairdresser and making the arrangements. I'm not worried, I can rock it as I've got the right 'tude for it.  I'm stressed as to where unless you're going through it you have no clue. So I gave a bit of a fuck off edgeness to me. I love my friend family, you know who you are, but people who don't know me, you're going to get what you give with an added slick sarcasm on top . Ie: call me an ass, that will be Queen ass minon!
I worry every night if I'm doing this right, making sure Dad's needs are met and also making sure hubby's needs are met. I have doubts about me being a caregiver, but then I have moments where I know I shine. So worrying about my hair is on thing I don't need.  May sound odd to you but it's a lot to me.  So yep short hair for me. Maybe I'll blow some pixie dust your fucking way
Ciao for now peeps 😊

Me and my thoughts

This is often a scary time, my mind wanders and if you know me there's no telling where it will go.  It's now 11pm and I've been in the living room and alone since 8. Dad always goes to bed at about 7:45 and hubs went into the bedroom to read about 8:15, so it's been my and HGTV for a few hours. I also have my phone so I surf too. Cat came out to join me, but she's asleep and not in a talking mood. Lol
So I'm just looking around the apartment just thinking of little odds n ends I want to get .Not need to get, as I've got my basics. This weekend I'll be hanging some pics I got. 
Tonight Dad asked me to tuck him in when he went to bed, hmm this is new. So I did and he's all I love you, so I reassured him, we love him too and he's safe and doesn't have anything to be afraid of.
A picture of him from just 4 years ago, he was living on his own and had a lady friend. Time moves on.
So today I cut all my nails off, super short claws now. I gave myself a manicure with hot coconut oil on my cuticles. I am doing the home pampering, hell I gave the time  😃
I'm not feeling great, it's ongoing now for a few weeks, underlying grunge. Hubby had it and it's going back and forth. I'm not as bad as he got though. Slight fever for me but he had a really high one for a few days. I also had a flu shot so who knows.
You know I had more to write about but all of a sudden I'm tired . So I'm heading to bed. Ciao for now and muah

Monday morning 2AM

And so it began, hubs went to bed early since he still has the remnants of the flu that hit him hard last week, but it seems to be leaving him quickly also thankfully. I have the cough and slight chills at night mainly. But I got a flu shot so I'm okay, so is Dad.  Speaking of Dad, he called out about 2 am, so I got up, (we have a baby monitor for just this reason), and found him standing up in his room and he asked me if he could go inside. Inside where??? I explained that we are inside, we're in his room and he was very confused.  So I got him to realize that he's safe and in our home. Also that it's raining out and if he was outside he'd be soaking wet. He needed to use the urinal that we keep on his bedside table, so while he did that, I went and got him a Gatorade Zero (no sugar) to help replenish his liquids. He's not as bad as last time, he knows me, remembers I promised to give him a haircut and shave today but he keeps thinking he's outside for some unknown reason. So fast forward to about 3:30, he's up again, still thinking he's outside, when he realizes he's inside he wants to get up and go into the living room. I explain that he'll be alone out there, so he lays down again. Of course Hubby is up by this time, he comes to dads room. Helps my dad get into bed and tucks him in.  He gave me a huge hug and kiss and a look that says I'm so sorry, so I nod then he squeezed by boob. He makes me laugh. I'm reading my book and here we are at 4:15 am, Dads up yet again, I need to call the doctor in the morning to see if I can get a gentle sleeping pill to make him drowsy, nothing strong. Again we go over the fact he's already in the house. That he's safe and that he's loved. He keeps apologizing for keeping me up. Sigh, I settle back and hubs comes in with a cup of tea. God I do love that man! I am worried about my dad, I really wish I could see inside his mind. I mean, I can cook for him, keep him warm, clean and talk with him, listen to music and play name that tune with him, but when he leaves and goes into his own little space I don't know what to do. First time it happened I freaked out, now I'm much calmer. Meaning I don't raise my voice with worry, I keep my voice steady and low. I know what to ask to gauge the extent of his disconnect. Right now, thankfully he's 98% here. He knows me, knows hubs, just that teeny part that's not comprehending his being in the house.  Ugh, I can hear hubs coughing, poor dear, he needs to get up in an hour to go to work. He barely got any sleep tonight. I'm able to nap if need be later today, although I'll be watching my dad like a hawk. I know this is my life now, I know I don't want my dad in a nursing home, but I'm afraid if his mind goes it may come to that. That scares the shit out of me, how will I know if he's okay, what if he gets scared? They won't sit in his room with him all night making sure he knows he's not alone. I know it's selfish but if it looks like it will come to that, I'm going to pray real hard that he pass to go be with my mom again. He deserves peace, not turmoil. Oh man hubs is coughing up a storm. I swear I don't know if I'm coming or going sometimes between them. Here's little ole me in the middle just trying to get a handle on what life has become.
Weird blog I know, nothing cute nothing funny, just my night in a nutshell. I just needed to get it off my chest. Well it's now 5:06 am and I promise a more upbeat and groovy blog next time. And until then, ciao for now

TGIF. (toes go in first)

When a dear friend of mines son was learning how to put his shoes on, she used to say that to him.  Lol It was cute and he remembered it. 
So lovelies, it is Friday, my right hip is a bit sure from sleeping on the sofa last night. It's actually a long loveseat. (It fits 3 across - lots of love hehe) Reason was the hubs has the flu. His temperature was 102.8 then down to 100 now this morning it's back up to 101 something. I've got a slight runny nose and cough but no fever or body aches. Perfect example, I got a flu shot, he didn't. Needless to say I've been playing nurse and eating little. What I do eat is crap which is why I'm craving a soft boiled egg I suppose.
Looking out my window, I could be looking out onto the Moors. I like it. It's the kind of day where you pour your tea and get comfy in a chair with a good book.
I'm trying to maintain a sense of calm, for my health and for the protection of those around me.  It's just that life is finally starting to develop into a flow that's pleasant, instead if a flow that resembles a lesser tsunami. For this I'm very grateful. It's nice not having to decide if you want to pick up the phone or not, because it may be a debt collector.  I'm not greedy,call I really ever wanted was to have no bills, and to just be able to start with a clean slate.  It's a wonderful feeling. 20 years coming but here it is. It helps you to make choices in other matters. So if I was to wish you well, I wish this feeling, I wish you no burdens on your shoulder.
We know that's truly never going to happen because life is balance. Light/dark, day/night, good/bad. I'd be stupid to think I'll never have issues or bad times but I'm more prepared to face them.
A blog of nothing today, much like Seinfeld's show when Jerry & George were promoting a tv show about nothing. Lol
I really just want to get back into writing my blogs. But for now, I'm going to go mix up some pancake batter as Da requested pancakes for breakfast today. The man can eat!! I'm happy about that, but I wonder if they make adult bibs.  Instead of duckies or bunnies on them, maybe pin up gals or cars for men, and buff firemen and vacation scenes for women. Ha, I think I may have it on something here.  Hmmmmm 😁
Okay then, I'm off, so until next time....Ciao for now.

Well Happy New Year (a month late shhhh don't tell)

Here we are, the 5th of February, it reached a rather balmy 67°F today. Don't thay beat the tits!! I'm not ready for the beautiful weather just yet. I need new bras. Little secret, when you don't have to work or wear a bra it's Fab to be able to put on a coat and hide the fact you're not wearing one, but in warmer weather, you need to wear that sucker. Well maybe you don't but I don't care for my nips to be scraping pavement. So I found some way in the back of my closet. They were lovingly hand washed and now hanging back in my closet in a much more noticable spot. All ready for operation Mary. Yes you read that right. Taking care if my dad these past 7 months has taught me a great deal. About what's needed, what's wanted and the duffediffe between them. As humans our needs are basic. Food, water, air, take them in and expel each as our bodies are made to do. I've been focused on the needs of my dad. I make sure he eats well, gets rest and know he's loved.  This is going well aside for a few fubar moments. Myself, I've not really paid attention to. So much outside stress to deal with. Not working put a financial strain on the household but we got through it, with great juggling accounts acts and the help if family and a dear friend who is family truly. So here now I find myself breathing a little easier. The NYC house is sold. There is a little money to ease all the calls from creditors looking to be paid and a few perks. Some reasonable if not modest new furnishings, a car now paid off, and 2 new purses, that's it. But for me the change I've decided on is to not color my hair anymore. Well not blonde or red, it brunette for that matter. I'm dying it grey, yep, this way it can grow out and my grey will blend. It will probably have a slight mauve/lavender tint to it. That plus a rocking cool haircut and I'm revived. I'm not hiding me, I'm learning to embrace who I am. I've been pretty in touch with myself over the years but this is the total no bullshit me.  I'm at the point of I don't give a fuck if you like me it not. I'm going to like me. I have close friends I know love me. Gone are the days I need to speak with them constantly, I'm content in knowing they are there, and I'm there should they need me.  So Saturday I'm back to my roots, figuratively and actually 😂
I'm making my home a place where all are welcome, I sick of drama. Been there, done that. I'm a nice person. 
Which brings me to something that's been on my mind. I wonder if I'm any kind of special.  Im not sure in what manner I mean. I can sing quite well when I want, I can cook and damn I can bake!! Oh yeah, I'm a good driver too but am I special in any way.  I need more time to ponder this. Maybe this is my Sidartha time, trying to find the real me.  It's such a selfish thought yet so unselfish at the same time.  Yep that sounds like me, a total dichotomy. Two totally different mindsets constantly pulling at each other.  A modern gal, doing her own thing yet quite old fashioned in her way of tastes and needs. Libra was the perfect astrological sign for me. So how to bring the two sides together in harmony, that is the question. I'll figure it out .  Don't get me wrong, I'm no Sybil, I don't have 20 different people living in my head. Lol But the mind of a soul filled with wanderlust can feel that way I suppose. 
Where is this blog going? Who the fuck knows, who cares? Im just awake and can't seem to sleep, so my mind is spewing out psuedo intellectual queries. I'm quite interesting to talk with, I love getting into deep conversations about life, love and the universe while the Grateful Dead are playing in the background.  Right now I'm listening to them on my headphones, so I don't wake my sleeping hubby. I'm sitting naked on my bed, I just ate a small piece of naan that was left from dinner, and drinking a low sugar Gatorade. Groovy baby. So when I wondered if I was special the answer at this moment might be yes special ED!! I'm perfectly sober yet I feel high AF. Why????  Maybe I should get under the covers and try to sleep.   Oh I lost 14 pounds for the month of January. Hope to do as well this month. Remember why I originally started this blog? Still doing it but now it's going to just be part if my life, not the entire life.  So if you've read this far, all I can say is, are you bored or something? Go to sleep. Hehe .Until next time. Ciao for now