Rainy Days and Almost October

     I can't believe it's almost October. I also can't believe in just over a month I will be traveling to England.  I was also hoping to be about 25 pounds less than I am. Now I do weight less than I did this time last year, even hubs says I look smaller , but i wanted to ow them! Then I come to my senses and realize - hey they see my pictures they know I'm fat! I'm not ashamed of me, I'm fun and then I feel okay about it. Its just that so much has been going on at home. I'm really looking forward to going, to meeting everyone, to letting go with no work or home to worry about.
     I feel bloated today so i just want to go to the gym and work out a little.  I'm feeling a bit disconnected from folks today and the weird thing is it doesn't bother me as much as it usually does. I think that's a sign of growing and learning that I don't need to be there 200% and still love them and have them love me.  Who knew  lmao  
    I'll catch up later peeps I want to talk a walk around the office  Ciao  For now

What I Learned Growing Up Fat

People can be cruel for no reason - so I learned kindness early

People judge without knowing you - so I learned to know a person and not pre-judge anyone!

People tease you - so I learned humor, first a sheild then as entertainment

People talk behind your back - so I learned to be upfront & speak my mind

People will lie to you - so I learned to be truthfull

People will ignore you - so I may at times push too hard but only because I always had to

People will use you - so I learned to love & appreciate those I call my true friends

People don’t want to be seen with you or are selfish - so I learned to depend on myself and was always willing to share. 

So here you have a woman who will be honest with you, share what she knows (sometimes when you don’t even want to know lol) Can speak about current affairs and will laugh up a storm with you. In retrospect I suppose I should be grateful for these people as they made me the person I am today. I love myself and moreover I LIKE myself. I am not perfect and I’m working on changing what I don’t like. I don’t expect anyone to help me, although I do like support from those I care about. Hey, I’m human. It's taken me a long time to be almost,  I dare say, proud of myself. I'm not fully there yet but I'm on my way. Closer than ever before.

Ciao For Now. 

Ah Social Networking....

     So as it turns out my Husband is now on Facebook. For years he swore against this. I have a feeling it was a bit of "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em " pressure but I know he is enjoying it. He's connected with an old friend. A very nice gal who used to be his roommate years back. Of course there is the added amusement of mocking me and I don't mind. I'm not that insecure - maybe. Lol
     Well babies. HAPPY AUTUMN. The first harvest festival us here. It's called Mabon. We celebrate the offerings of the earth today. The day is split between light and dark and the darkness will slowly creep in then finally settling into deep winter slumber. I was noticing while driving tonight that it was only quarter past 7 and the sky was streaks of pink and darker blue. The pale gold and orange off the horizon as the sun set earlier, causing cars headlights to turn on. Last Saturday I went into a store about this sometime and when I came out it was proper evening. Last widows of light blue but the sky was deep blue. There is a crispness in the air. To say I love it, is an understatement.
     I'm off to sleep perps, been a rough day, but at least I'm going to get my haircut tomorrow after work. It's getting long. So sweet autumn dreams, until next time. Ciao For Now

Feeling better and I really mean that.

        All it took was someone saying it will be okay. I guess I need validation on my thoughts and hopes.  There ARE worse things people go through. Made sense, so thank you.
        So I found out that U2 has their own hotel in Dublin. Wow. Yeah a friend looked it up today. Wonder if U2 music is in the elevators. Lmao. I'm sure it's major money to stay there. One day? Nah....
       Work was busy but but less crazed thankfully. I went to the gym tonight, just feeling better all around. Another friend has her situation cut out for her. Lots of hard changes and I'm sending her lots of hugs and positive thoughts.  
        Well nothing really. This chick is going to sleep, I am tired!! Ciao For Now
       

In The Wee Hours

It's half 2 in the morning. I used to love this time. The stillness, the calmness if it. But right now my mind is cluttered. I'm having setbacks. Much like an alcoholic who decided to have one drink. I are yesterday like I was having my last meal. I had chips and donuts and lots if wine. The stress is getting to me and I caved. I'm furious at myself for being so weak. For giving in. My own body is fighting me as right now I feel quite ill. It will pass but I'm still angry I did it.  I'm scared!!!!!!
     Things I keep secret, they are eating away at me. Im trying to put up a good front. While I play magician in the shadows. I don't know how much longer I can. Like I said I'm scared.  I cry every night and let me tell you as queen of selfies - it's getting harder to take a flattering photo. The circles and bags under my eyes are getting worse.  The horror  haha.  See trying to make light of it. But I really can't.  I don't know if any if this is cohesive - if it reads with any sense. Sorry perps. Like I said before.  I'm scared! I will smile and be cheerful as no one wBts to hear depressing stories especially when there is nothing they can do. But sometimes I just need a hug. I'm going to go find the cat for a cuddle now.  Good night. Or morning depending where you are. Until next time

Well...

     All in all, a decent day. Things could be better, but everyone has got some shit going on. Like I said to someone today on Facebook. If you wake up, it's always got the chance to get better. So on that note I'm ending tonight's blog.  Ciao For Now. 😄

Wow. It Got Hot In Here

      I wrote this a while ago but never posted it! Whew I was on fire!!! Must have watched a great movie or something. Oosh!!

The touch of your hand, the taste of your skin
The way you work my body
I respond completely
Use me, mold me, take me
I am your toy, play with me.

I want you inside me, I want you completely
I want to devour every inch of you
Past desire, to the deepest part of the soul
Meet me there as we fly together.

In ecstasy of each other
Perfect feel, perfect fit
That perfect moment in time
The look on your face as you look at mine
The dark demon of desire
Releases us as you move inside me

Don't stop, don't ever stop
I want to burn in your fire
I want to be part of you
Blood running together
Lick me let me lick you
Feel me inside you, that special insertion only for you
Dominate me and let me explore
Be so in control of me that you allow my probing
To take you in kind
So intimate the angels blush
Perfect moment in time
In that moment it's only us as I come over you
And you come in me.

Somber Day For So Many Reasons

     First and foremost of course is that today marks the 13 year of the attacks on NYC Twin Towers World Trade Center.  I remember these towers being built as a young gal. The company my Mother worked for quickly moved into them and she worked there for years. Oh how I loved to visit her -  to see the clouds beneath us as I looked out of the window. I know people who lost friends there. These people are NYers and English. This was not just an attack on America, yes that was the main focus, but it was an insult and terrorist attack on countries all over the world. It was felt by everyone. I am looking at tributes today and I am fighting back tears.
     I was reading last night about the people who "jumped" out the windows. They were gasping for air. Now I ask you this? If you had the choice of breathing and falling knowing the end would be instant OR falling into a fiery furnace that was eating away at the floor whee you stood what would your choice be.  I know what mine would be. I would want to fly out and breathe in air. They say the speed of the fall was not enough to lose consciousness but was enough to positively say that you would be dead on impact.  I'm getting teary at the thought of having to make that choice. The fear these people must have felt, its beyond horrific. I will never get over this and each year its like puling off a band aid to reveal the sore again only to put another band aid on until next year.
    My next reason is that today I just found out that someone I worked with here for years, committed suicide. His funeral is today. he was a bit of an odd duck, walked to the beat of his own drum for sure. I got upset with him on several occasions but then finding out that he had OCD and AHAD and then it all made sense. He really tried in his way.  He had a bad leg and walked with a limp yet he would run for cancer or run for other awareness groups. You had to respect that. I asked him once and he said why not I can run? Why nit help those that can't?  Yep respect that. This sad news was the cherry on the sundae so to speak. Hopefully we have god news later on, wil inform you all after the fact as not to jinx it.

So on this day of remembrance I want to say to those I love. You all know who you are. That you are important to me, you matter to me, your health and welfare matter and that I love you all. So if I'm too pushy or crazed at times it's really just a weird sense of affection because I cant be there with you all the time.
 Ciao For Now

Fucking Tired Of It!

     I tired of constantly walking uphill. Even good things have to get shadowed. Most recently my returning flight home from England. Instead of being able to zone out for hours I know have to change airports. Yep not non stop now. All because of cut backs during winter months. Yes I understand but couldn't they have chosen another flight? At least my lay over is at Kennedy Airport. One I know. Although I won't be able to leave. So I suppose I will just get drunk and the connecting flight is on Delta! Sir Richard I have a complaint. It's really stupid I know but I'm graciously told I won't have to pay any fee for the switch in flights. I so hope not. They canceled my flight. Another thing that is effecting me that I had no hand in. At least it's only another hour from NY to my final destination. {rolling eyes} I know pity party. But I'm tired of not sailing  my own boat!
      Another thing that really pissed me off happened last night. I was on Facebook (I know surprise!) anyway....a friend made mention that his kids wanted to watch his wedding video. Now thus friend and his wife also, had gastric bypass surgery. He lost over 200lbs I believe since then. So this other girl (who also had the surgery) commented on how fat everyone looked and thank heavens they are all skinny now and sexy. Mud look how much hair all the men had then. WHAT!  Superficial bitch! I was seething.  How dare she make a commenting that and I know it was just that she's petrified of being fat. It's not a bad word. Christ I wanted to scream at her. She had surgery and got to the weight she wanted and fast! I'm struggling every fucking day with a snails pace. It's been two years but I'm down from a size 30 dress to my latest purchase of 22!! I did thus on my own, with love and encouragement and I know my friends love me and I daresay may even think sexy. At every size even when I couldn't see it. She has no idea how cruel that cut me. She has not learned about nutrition or exercise. I've seen her chow downtime someone with an over achieving metabolism. I mean we know what's bad to eat but I'm not going to condemn anyone for being human. But she does and says this with no caring about anyone's feelings and that makes her a selfish bitch. Even the men weren't safe. Do they have list hair. Who the fuck cares?! I know it shouldn't bother me but it does. I don't like cruelty at all. I've been victim enough and I wang to smack her.  AAARRGGGHHHH!!!
      Oh well. Peeps. I'm headed back to prepare our dinner. The veg part anyway. I already cooked the chicken at 7this morning - was up early .
So until next time. Ciao For Now

Sometimes

     Okay, been a not fun few days. Some sort if stomach virus decided I'd be a great place to hang out and halfway through the day on Thursday made it impossible to stay at work. This is still going on today, 2 days later. Not much you can do for this other than drink lots of water. I've lived on soup the past few days but ventured into eggs this morning. So far so good. So what's been going on?
     Not a lot really. I had to laugh as a person I spoke with lady week wNts to meet and have coffee. She said she liked me and thought I was funny. She was very nice and I'm sure it's all innocent. But it amused me. Work was crazy busy Tuesday and Wednesday. Not much time for anything. Not even Facebook. Shocking I know! Lol. I have lots on my mind, things are still up in the air about previous issues and it's taking it's toll on me. I swear the bags under my eyes could hold a weeks worth of clothes. Not sleeping well but in comparison with what's going on with some folks I know and what I've read. It really matters very little. Yes I'd love to hear from people but part of me is just as happy not to. Who ever thought that would even be considered by me. I love my friends, love talking with them but right now I'm kind of in a state if flux. It will change an doing I'm going to be in England in just over 2 months. A dream come true. But right now, although I've lots of thoughts, they're not making it to my blog. Hang around guys. They will be shortly. Ciao For Now

So Okay It's Been Awhile

     It's that I really have not much to say. Lol all is pretty much as it has been. So I will be back in a day or so, but if anyone has questions, bring them on.  I think I may regret that. Haha. Ciao For Now

2:15 AM

     Well I was supposed to call my friend tonight and got caught up making cards. I feel so bad but I will call later today. Where to start ....hmm. Well, it's the last day today of a 4 day weekend. It's been kind of a weird Bacchanalia of sorts food wise. I have not been a good girl, and although it's been filing it's time to get back on track. Only 2 months about before I get my butt overseas. I can tell you that on Friday, we ate out and I had a Kobe burger on a brioche bun. Heaven - and Saturday went for brunch with some co-workers that was really fun. Was good rest of the day but Sunday morning, no clue why, but I was up at 5am! Ugh so I went and treated hubs to bagels and lox. But was good rest of the day. This morning I will have my eggs and fruit again and my gym is open so my ass will be there. I'm feeling sluggish and am happy to report that my body now rebels on its own. I can't overdo too much anymore.
     So I got a nice surprise in the form of a check from Ford. They slightly overestimated my cars fuel economy and sent me a check for the difference for one years worth of standard driving. Well if course I'm far from standard LOL but I do get the 39/40 mpg highway so yay for me. Found money as they say. I just need to multiply this by lots but I'm taking it as a good sign. I even washed and vacuumed my car today, do of course, around 6 this evening the skies opened and it poured.  Lol. I love rain so nature gave my car a second rinse. But at least the inside is nice and clean.
     Okay lastly - hubs is on social media.  He just decided Friday night to join Facebook under an assumed name. Says he doesn't want to be searched for but not hiding the fact who us is on there. I think I'm finally having a positive effect on him.  Oh and my friend is loaning me her luggage to oh overseas. Yay. Love her lots and so sweet of her to do that. One less thing to worry about.
     Well perps it's half 2 in the morning. Hubby finally offline and snoring. I am going to get a few hours if sleep. So until next time. Ciao For Now