Let's Get Real For Several Moments

Okay this weight thing has really taken a nose dive since my Dad moved in. He has to have a sweet every night, I don't want him eating crap so I bake. It's here and I eat it. I'm so stressed out that I don't care. I'm just now re-starting to somewhat care a miniscule amount. Let me be fully Frank. I love my father with all my heart, and I don't want him anywhere but with me. But in doing so I've lost me! I was getting a bit stagnant but now, I'm downright petrified. Metaphorically and literally. I miss human interaction, nothing new happens anymore. I miss work, different things happening each day. I don't care sometimes if I forget to take a shower, no one sees me. Going to the grocery c store for a few hours is like a fucking vacation. Maybe if I had had children I'd be better at this. I make no contribution to the day. Hubs goes to work at least, gets out.  I know I'm lucky that my dad needs minimal care, we're not at adukt diapers yet and he is still decently active. But every day I notice tiny things. He's getting forgetful, not his usual, this is more short-term. I have been reading online blogs to see what I should look for. He can barely see, he needs to see a spdcspecia we've been told but he's stubborn and refuses to get any surgery even if it helps him . My day is this, take hubby to work, get home make coffee, call dad, prepare breakfadt. He's a good eater luckily. Do the dishes or add them to prior nights dishwasher if not run already. Then straighten up the house. Laundry if need be. He wants me to stay near him, get him more coffee. He hates being alone so I sit with him but he doesn't know what to talk about. We talk about the NY Yankees and he will ask every day are there bills or do I need to go to the bank. Then he wants to know our bills. I keep explaining he has only 2 bills and I pay them online. He's like what about electric, etc. I tell him he doesn't have those bills anymore. Then an hour goes by and he'll ask again. I get it , not only forgetfulness but boredom as well.  Boy do I get it .I do my best to create conversations. We do walk, then he stays out a little while.
I make lunch, he eats the same thing, dinner I have to think of what he can chew. I make food for him which has carbs. I never met a carb I didn't like so I eat that too.
I'm venting so go ahead and go if you want, I'm on a roll .ha another carb. Lol
I just feel like I should do more, I just don't know what! I need a haircut, I need to moisturize.
At least the house is sold but before that I need some extra cash and I have no idea how to get it. I stopped wirwork to take care of Dad. We have an apt that brings up very little throw away cash. November can't cone cone enough, I'm getting physically sick due to stress and worry. I feel very alone. Stupid I know but I can't think of any night within the last month I haven't cried before going to bed. For someone who didn't look their age I now look 10x worse.
I hate when he talks about his death benefits, I don't want to think about it. I'm very aware of it. I get short tempered and instantly feel bad.
I'm a fucking mess, and I know my friends think of me but I'm not fun right now. I hope to be again. I'm so stressed I really don't know what to do. I feel stupid and selfish I know there are people way worse off than myself but I feel those tears come at night. I love him so much I don't want him to want for anything. I'm very lucky that my husband is there he tries to comfort me, give me time alone on the weekends. I adore him for it.
I'm fucked up right now, I need to find my way back. I will, but when at what cost. Unless you've experienced it this makes no sense but I needed to vent.
Ciao for now

So He Fell

Yesterday was not the best day. My back, which I pulled in the move, was starting to feel better but yesterday morning I heard a thud. Dad fell in the bathroom. I have no idea how, but I ran in and he was on the floor. So it took 10 minutes to get him up. Did a check, all was fine, no bruises. So the rest of the day went as usual. Today was better.
I can't go crying to people, it's my deal. I don't mind but I am already so tired. Hopefully it will get better.
I just have little mini crying fits. Nothing more than stress relief but still it's hard. 
This morning I was up and out to the grocery store and was home before hubby left for work. So I made a cup of tea and just sat on the patio and watched the sun cone up. It was a brief moment of peace. If you asked me what is it that's making you tired, I really have no distinct answer. It's just the day. I'm venting here so I don't burden my friends. They got their own shit going on.
It's only 9:45pm and I feel like it's 3 in the morning. I'm just tired. Lol
Take care peeps, ciao for now.

1am At Least They Are Sleeping

Of course im referring to my hubby and my father.
I will admit, taking care of my dad is no picinic. I'm not saying, it's hard. That's not the right word. It's frustrating. I love him dearly, even knowing what I know now, I would still do this BUT it's not what I envisioned. I really was not sure what to expect. I did not expect to find that my Dad can barely see. He kept thus hidden in a home he had for 55 years. Of course he knew it like the back of his hand. But here, it's blatantly obvious.  This makes me beyond sad. I can't even imagine how he's feeling.  He keeps reaching out for my hand when I'm sitting with him.  Says he's glad his girl is there for him. Of course I am.  He keeps saying he's not sure where he'd be if it weren't for me and my hubs. Oh my hubby is so sweet and gentle with him. It's beautiful to watch them.
My dad knows that he will never be alone. For as long as he walks this Earth, he will be cared for.
 Tonight I heard him yell out on the baby monitor so I went to look. Must have been a bad dream. So I sat in the chair and watched him sleep. He was restless, I heard him mutter gid help me. He's not happy with his situation I know that but he is against books on tape.  I'm not sure why.
Look, we got him a nice comfy chair, some new clothes, I feed him what he enjoys but IT'S NOT ENOUGH!  I want to do more. This man kept me safe growing up, he worked hard and took care of us. I should be able to take away any fears he has, any issues I want to fix. But it's hard. I'm never going to stop so every night I ask the Goddess for strength so I can do right for him.
I'm tired and frustrated yes but when I tell him I love him and I see him smile, it's worth it. I just hope I am doing it right

I should be sleeping

Operative word there is should! Can't sleep, too much on my mind.  Long story short, my Father's brother died and my dad is the last family member , all his siblings, his parents and his wife are gone. Not to mention all his friends. Guess it's not going to be that short....well my dad is 90, he is not doing as well as he was even a month ago. My neighbor called tonight to say my dad fell and hurt his hand. Finger was banged up. He's fallen before apparently. He won't tell me anything so my neighbor keeps me informed. Well neighbor clean him up, took care of his hand. Other night had to help him shave. I'm his daughter, I should be doing this. I'm 5 states away, sucks!!! At least he realizes he will need to live with us. I just hope he stays around for it to happen.  I'm not as sad at the thought of his time coming to an end. He's had a good life, done lots if great things. I just don't want him to be in pain or alone. It worse in pain and alone. When his time comes, may it be a long time coming but when it does. I must be there with him .he was always there for me and now it's time for me to be there for him. So instead of sleeping, I'm thinking about selling houses, getting bigger place, making sure he's happy.  I love him so much it breaks my heart to think he struggles with anything.  I hate not being there.