Yes AND No

     Well today I had my first physical interview. I was a bit nervous I admit, it's been a long time since I had to interview. It went well and I had a nice talk with the lady at the agency. I am going back on Friday as she wants me to do some tests on Word, etc.  (Practice all day tomorrow LOL)   I also got another rejection notice, but it came later this afternoon and I had already comes to term with many things, so I handled it much better than my first one.
     Oh peeps let me tell you, last night I had a breakdown, tried and true get the men in the white coats. I just started to cry, I mean I was sobbing, my poor husband was just sitting next to me looking at me like a flag or something would pop up to explain why I was crying so hard. He asked me what was wrong and I couldn't even get words out. This lasted about 15 minutes and when I finally caught my breath I just said that I felt like a failure. I couldn't find a job, I was eating badly and not going to the gym like I should. He told me I needed to calm down, but he didn't get it. He's not going through any of this.  he made me a cup of tea and I calmed down and was able to get a grasp on the situation.  Really poor man wanted to help me, but I leaned into him and drank my tea. Him just holding me felt good and helped to calm me a lot. To me it really steamed from not eating as I should.  During the night, I was getting the worst pains in my sides. To the point that I pretty much woke up almost every hour. Felt better after a hot shower this morning. We need a new bed in the worst way and I know this is part of the reason for the aches.  Well this morning I was able to out into words my feelings on another site. A friend wrote to me to let me know a little on complex carbs and basically told me its okay, that we all falter & it's okay to slip. It made me feel better and then another lady wrote me that she can understand what I was going through.  I know I am not special with this but it surprised even me at how I broke down. Thank the gods for family and friends. 
     To look at this room it seems so normal. Cat is sleeping on my bunched up blanket. Hubs is on his Ipad playing Candy Crush Saga and I am here on the laptop, the TV is on in the background. Tea is next to me on my night table, it's Lady Grey from Twinings. A gift that I am savoring. Yep pretty basic night. Not very exciting but after my craziness last night, I want a little boring. 
     Oh it's pretty much past, crisis averted. I am gym bound tomorrow and ready to sweat. I have an appointment with a trainer again for Saturday. I was back on track eating today so I was very happy with that. I really am a very fun,  I'm just off kilter. It's odd, I've always thought myself a go with the flow kind of gal and I am but I like a solid base under it I guess LOL  
    I need a night of wild dancing and some alcohol  hahaha and a few of my gal pals here are wanting the same so all I can say is look out PA.  I may get me a shiny new blouse to wear on the dance floor...woohoo!!  So true how things can change, night and day on how I felt this morning to the way I feel now. We all have ups and downs, we have moods and thank you for letting me vent it to you all.  So tomorrow I will post having been all sweaty from a great work out :-D  Ciao For Now

Interview Tomorrow (Wednesday)

 Wish me luck.  I am actually not doing a blog as I need to try and sleep. Hope its better thank last night. Was awake from 2:30Am until 5AM. YUCK  So I need to sleep, full report tomorrow among some other thoughts. Until then Ciao For Now

Twatwaddle

     Well that got your attention! LOL  I feel like one as of late. I am a bit under the weather at the moment, nothing horrible, but I feel so unmotivated to do anything. I was on the phone with Unemployment this morning and they informed me that my old company has yet to send them paperwork that I am no longer working there. This has put a red flag up on my files so they are not sending me any payments yet. Good thing I have received my severance pay for now.   You know I always went from one job to the next, that was not the case on the last job I had. I was out of work almost a year before I had gotten it, and I had forgotten how much having a job, being able to be productive, to give my expertise to others, is so intertwined with your self worth, how you feel about yourself. One of my co-workers who was also made redundant when I was, just got a job, he started today. I am both thrilled for him and jealous that I didn't get a job so soon.
   Perhaps it's because I AM a bit thin skinned right now, but I came across a post in facebook that addresses the millions of women who have had a miscarriage. Correct that, the women and men, entire families this touches. I am a part of this, as most of you who have read my blogs know, along with the uterine cancer. I felt like I had betrayed my own self when it happened. I couldn't even do something so natural as have a baby, what was wrong with me!? It took some time to realize there was nothing wrong with me. I have had my moments over the years where I get teary or wistful of what may have been, but yesterday OMG I went full sobbing over this statue. It touched me that someone actually was able to put the way I've felt into a piece of beautiful art. I posted it and it was shared by several of my friends. I know that things happen for a reason and my personal experience was indeed, in later years, shown to prove that statement correct. But thank you to the sculptor who did this. Here is a photo of the statue: It's called “The Child Who Was Never Born” by Martin Hudáčeka located in Slovakia

The way the child is see through just got to me, I still am getting choked up looking at it. 
      The other thing that made me cry (being cheeky) was watching Seth MacFarlane hosting the 85th Oscars. LOL He was not very good, his material was weak and so was the presentation. He is wonderful in what he does though, he does Family Guy voices, he writes movies and does the voices there also, (watch Ted and Paul) but this was not a good outlet for him. He can sing too, I didn't know that :-) He also looks like Peter Brady grown up (cute) :-) The highlight for me though, was Adele singing Skyfall, I love her, she is a major crush for me, oh yeah!! She is so tall too, 5'9", never knew that. Having watched the BAFTAS last week on BBC America, both hubby and I agree they did it better. Come on America, step up!!
    Well for me that's my boring blog today, hope your day (or night) is great. Ciao For Now

So As. it Happens

     I know I haven't been around the last few days. I've been under the weather and basically playing Candy Crush Saga  and messaging people on Facebook. I have a doctor appointment later this afternoon at 3.  Just wanted to check in.  Thanks Russia, you guys have not missed one day on my blogs and its much appreciate. So I may be back later as its only 2:30 in the morning here. So until next time,  ciao for now

Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Get $200

     Well here we are headed towards the witching hour. I always wondered why it was called that, as this witch loves her sleep. lol  
      If yesterday was the "horny" day, today was "rollercoaster" day. Emotions went up early on, then down, they really down, then leveled off. Morning was good but busy. Always a dash when I leave NY. Made Dad pancakes for breaky, all was well, but then a package I ordered for a friend finally showed up and he got very annoyed for some reason. Said why did I have it sent there. It was supposed to have been there prior to today, it's a gift for my friend, for her new Condo. Of course it gets out of hand and I leave upset. I don't like that. It's so hard to put in my head that he is not used to living with anyone anymore. having his fridge and pantry stocked with everyday staples, getting parcels delivered. I try to remember this but, it irks me some times, I can be faulted with getting annoyed myself, but I try never to raise my voice, he is my dad BUT I also resent being treated like my opinion doesn't matter. Which he does. When we talk to the neighbor and I say something profound, for lack of another word, he looks surprised. Come on dad, you spent that money to send me to a private prep school. It didn't just go in one ear out the other. My impulsive nature has a hard time being "low key" so we argued. Then a friend called which calmed me down as I started the drive home. I called dad and told him how I felt and that I don't like leaving on a bad note. He actually apologized, we are fine now, but I never want to leave that way. Heaven forbid something tragic happens, I don't want our last time to be an angry one. Bad enough I can say with 98% accuracy that when the time does come, I will not be there, which saddens me to tears.
     So good to bad, got worse. As I'm driving home, I stop for fuel for the car AND me. I got a hotdog. It was all beef, a Nathans hot dog. Was so long since I'd had one, it tasted extra good. Then I notice this creeper dude watching me eat it. It was such a seedy look he had on his face, I actually left the spot I was in to move to another. Freaky for sure! So I check my email and I got one from the job I had applied for. It said after looking at my resume, they were going to go another way. Wow my first rejection in the job search. It brought back memories from 5 years ago, and the feeling I felt at that moment reminded me of how badly it could hurt. I admit a few tears fell down my cheeks but quiet ones, a sadness that stayed with me the rest of the drive home. Then I went to go get our dinner. I preface this with my coat has a fluffy collar and cuffs, so I walk into the restaurant and this little boy sees me and yells out, It's fluffy! I smile at him and brush past to go to the bathroom. he reached out to my coat, his mother tells him no. I stop and ask if he want to touch my coat, he nods yes. So I hold my arm out and he "pets" the end of my sleeves, then start to giggle as only a small child can. I made me laugh. Bless this little guy, he made me feel better. I am fine now and know I will get something and that was the first in a possible many of rejections I will get. So deep breath and soldier on. All will right itself in the end. So here I am, hubby and cat are both snoring, I'm blogging, enjoying a cup of tea, and just so happy to be home with both of them. Good night peeps, until we meet again, I say Ciao For Now

Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat

     NO your fat makes you look fat, and you know what? That is okay. It's who you are, if you had bones coming through your skin and that's just your natural state, then okay. We are who we are and yet people still judge us, without looking in their own mirrors. I am at the point where I will say fuck you but my inner young girl still cry's like a baby. But I'm not a child, I can fight my battles but I do need help on occasion. It's not needy. It's more validation that I am not wrong, and that I AM funny, pretty, sexy, and AS funny, pretty, sexy as all the other ladies who catch people's eyes for whatever reason. Bigger tits, more open about posing nudes on websites? I'm not sure why. I have this hang issue. It's skin that actually, when I was heavier looked better! It hinders me, I can't make a saucy video for those special eyes as everything seems hidden by this curtain of now saggy skin. It annoys the crap out of me. I have seen women bigger than me, and they don't have this. WHY DO I?? Doesn't help that I have arms the length of a T-Rex!! Today I felt sexy for at least a few hours, then the day progressed and here I am complaining about fat skin. When that special person heads south and parts the curtain of mystery and delight (well that's what I'm calling it!) I am inclined to sing the theme from Raiders Of The Lost Ark, you know "Tatadumtummmm Daaadada, Tatadumbtuuuum Daaaadadaaadaaadaaaa" I'm silly I know. But I have learned that sex is fun and as long as the person I'm with is into me, I am not ever going to hold back, nope not anymore. I am only held back by my own fears and I don't care if we end up in a friggin emergency room, at least we'll have a great story to tell the Dr.
     Yes it was a horny day, but tomorrow I go back to NY - and it's a new dawn, it's a new day! Now if you will excuse me, I'm off to take a shower. Ciao For Now

This coming Wednesday

I will be posting a new blog! I am in New York right now and been going to bed late and doing something every night and Day it seems. Having really nice time though. So I will be home Wednesday and will start my proper blogging. Please hang in there. I'll be back

Love Love Love

     It's been said All You Need Is Love, and we do. It's been proven that babies who are cuddled and shown love develop better and stronger than those left alone. The need for touch is so important. A hug can help where words fail! Love is so strong that in the most horrific twist if the emotion, people have even killed in its name. But today we celebrate the gentle living touch and the animalistic urges of the word. Lol.
     I love love, I love my friends, I love my family, I love my husband and more recently I have come to love myself. That was the hardest one but with the help of the ones I love, I did it.  :-D.  So on this short blog I will wish you all a very Happy Valentines Day, wether it be candy and flowers, jewelry, special dinner, or  mask and handcuffs, enjoy your day with your special someone.  X

Size Does Count (when counting calories)

     Well I got a friends request today on Facebook from someone I had never seen. So I went to his page to see if maybe he knows some one that I do, nope not the case. The odd thing is that he follows me. I didn't know you could follow someone who is not a famous person, but hey I can't blame the man right? LMAO Now onto what I really want to talk about.
     Oh friends, lets talk about weight scams, well not really scams, but misleading information. There is a new bar called Slimful. They have this girl telling you that if you feel hungry just eat one of these bars and drink a glass of water. You will eat less and feel full. Water will do that anyway. I looked up this bar and the first ingredient is corn syrup, then sugar. This bar is to help you feel full yet it has only 2 grams of fiber. Really?? These are not healthy.  And while I am on this topic, what has happened to the Sports bars or the Quaker Oat bars, etc. They are now filled with caramel & chocolate. Or Chocolate and peanut butter, WHAT THE HELL?? You might as well just eat a freakin' candy bar. I don't know what is happening in America. I think it's all planned by the food industry and the health industry combined. Think about it. You see all these videos and tapes and exercise machines to work off extra weight, that the fast food chains offer you.  Twofer deals and even restaurants are upping the "all you can eat" deals. So with all these fabulous food offers you eat yourself in to a coma and then one day you can't tie your shoes. I still believe velcro was invented by some fat guy who just couldn't reach to make a knot so he said fuck it, this just sticks to itself.  Then you have (and what many of my sneakers had) is the fat person bow. It's knot is off to the side since you tend to always put your leg up on the bed then reach over and make your bow. It looks kind of like this, see the knot is off to the side:

I am in no way making fun of this, or the folks who have their bows like this, as I said if you look at my Nike's you will find that same bow. Although I have gotten better at getting the knot in the middle. I call it Malcom BWAHAHAHA
     You know how it is for us larger ladies, lots of huffing and puffing, sweating and moaning, and that was just putting on my leotard! ;-D  I need to joke, as I often do feel like this when I am at the gym. I do sweat, come on, I'm moving a saucy, sexy body of substance. I am quite aware of how silly I must look, but no one notices, because none of them look their best either. That's the beauty of it, short, tall, thin, fat, we are all there to look silly and sweat like pigs. Problem is that some of these ladies are just doing it so they will be accepted by society, or friends or worse, their partners. I am doing it to be fit, I do not want to weigh what I did when I was 16, well actually in my case yes I do - HAHA, but you know what I mean. It makes me feel better being in an all women's gym as well, I still am self conscious of how I look while doing my routine. (Note to self,  NEVER touch anything you have no idea how to use) See yesterday's blog for explanation. If you see me in a bathing suit, undies only or nude, you know I trust you with my life. Not many have, of course Hubby has, but he signed a contract at the alter years ago. 
     I just want to say that it's hard, it's very hard and I tend to lose my sweet cherubic nature at times. It will be all worth it in the end, but I swear it is so easy to get waylayed. Especially when it's just not 20 or even 30 pounds. Triple that, yep 90 or a hundred pounds works. I do sit here some nights and just cry because I'm frustrated, then I give myself a mental slap to get over it, but I also give myself a mental hug. Yep I am definitely just MENTAL!! HAHAHAHAHAHA  
     Okay I've rambled on - WAKE UP!!!!  ;-D   I am going to have some tea, watch some Top Gear, then say night night. So as always,  Ciao For Now XX

The weekend comes to and end

     So I find myself laying in bed, nice and warm from the heating pad on my hip. Why you ask? Simple, I am an arse!  I was at the gym and spied a kettlebell. Never having used one before, I thought I could do this squat thing. Tone up those thigh muscles I rarely use. Well if I learned anything, it was always check with the trainers BEFORE doing something new. I did something because ouch!! I'm telling you if I survive the fucking gym I'll be full & fit!  IF being the operative word! Lol
     Foodwise I done okay. No cupcakes for me, but I did have a low fat berry crumb cake slice with my tea tonight. Still okay as far as weight watchers goes but over my calories by 25 on the other website. Still not terrible and I did get to the gym.  No candy for Valentines Day, with me being out of work I don't expect any gifts or flowers either. I got surprised last year, was lovely, but hubs is watching cash and I understand. We are not going out either :-( I will make a special dinner for us so its low key this year , maybe a single rose? Would be nice lol I'm incoragible.
     Hey all, I'm going to bed. One of those nights where I have lots of thoughts but not clear how to pen them. From things I've read on my other sites to my own thoughts, so until I can sort through them I say Ciao For Now

Cupcakes, Snow, & Oh What The Hell

     Well here we are at Friday!! WooHoo   T.G.I.F, Weekend!! You know what? When you don't work it doesn't have quite the same impact. Well went to the gym this morning, was greeted by ice. Could be worse, could be snow like they are having in the Upper East Coast.  I am doing some rearranging then off to the post office (AGAIN LOL) I have candy to get out.
     Oh peeps, I just don't feel myself, I feel like hardly anyone wants to bother with me. Even my Dad. I mentioned to him that I may go visit him next week (this was before the blizzard warning came out) and he got real quiet and asked why. Why? Well silly me I thought it would be nice to see him and spend sometime in a house that is mine as well. I sent out more than a few resumes and have heard nothing back. I just am feeling a bit more needy and sensitive than normal. I also hurt my back a bit at the gym. I saw a kettlebell sitting there and I kind of picked it up and swung it and twisted something LOL So on top of everything I now hurt. My back went out a while ago as you know and I guess it's a sensitive spot. 
    I am so down in the dumps that I toyed with going to the bakery and getting a cupcake, piled high with the best buttercream. But I am not going to, oh I want to, but I'm not giving in. It's as bad as an alcoholic, I guess. You get used to things being a certain way and when your life is a little off kilter you really need to know what you can count on, but you can't because it's changed. I don't want to be a downer. Was talking with my former co-worker who is in the same boat. He told me he just hasn't felt like talking to anyone. Funny how different people react. See I want to talk to everyone I know to remain, for lack of a better word, normal. Well I'm off to run errands. Ciao 

Pizza Is Round & Makes Me The Same Way.

     Okay today I weighed in and "officially" I am down 12 pounds. Now my bathroom scale shows about 2 pounds more lost but I will go with the scale at Weight Watchers. Now it's simple math, I need to move my butt more and as I get to the gym more regularly I will lose faster. Also by tracking my calories I am keeping myself at about 1400 a day. I really want to lower that a little, but all the articles I've read put the calorie count in that amount, so okay! LOL 
    Yesterday I did have some pizza, it was real pizza, not a lot, but it was delicious. I pointed it out and counted my calories, and came in under both which is good. BUT and it's a big but, (yea yea I caught that LMAO) I need to stop having carbs too much on any given day. Oh but it was gooey and cheesy. Two slices of pure decadence. I can't d it often though as I am a true pizzaholic! I love good pizza. Now of course, to me, the best will always be in New York. Brooklyn and Queens have so many fabulous places. Toppings, well garlic my dears, is always a good thing. I also like peppers and onions. Okay I like this stuff way to much, a red light as they call it. So I will limit it, I had my fix for now :-D 
     Today, like I mentioned, I am going to meet my former manager and I am looking forward to it. I miss her and I miss my job, but onto to better things I hope. But I need to get a move on, so I am going to say Ciao For Now.. Later...

Darn Sinuses

Have a killer sinus headache today peeps so I am heading to bed a little earlier than usual and not writing tonight but I will probably write at some time tomorrow AM. I am going to have lunch tomorrow with my former manager, looking forward to it.  So as always I am saying Ciao For Now

Super Bowl, Puppy Bowl, An Attack, & Molly

     I am writing today and here in America it is Superbowl Sunday. Yes, yet another day when Americans sit in front of the television and eat all the things that are bad for you, yet taste yummy. LOL I know there are those that keep it to a minimum and try to be healthy, these are the people who usually end up watching the game alone. Some have cold cuts and cheese, usually in a six foot submarine sandwich that's cut up, with sides of potato salad, cole slaw, macaroni salad, pickles, cookies, cakes, brownies and cupcakes, and those are the lower calorie parties. I think because there may be a crudites. BWAHAHAHA  At the real hard core lets party time, you will find all I mentioned PLUS, chips, dips, guacamole, tacos, 7 layer bean dip, candy, pizzas, fried chicken and chicken wings, lots of beer and so many other alcoholic drinks, it's a Bacchanalia of food and drinks. I have had these parties and one really good party ended up with a friend of mine getting sick in my neighbors rose bushes - NOT PRETTY!! LOL  Since the man I married will maybe once a millennium watch a baseball game if I turn it on, I don't have to worry about throwing one of these parties now in my life. I have gone to a few and yes I have gotten ill, usually from just a wee too much rum LOL Tonight though we had grilled chicken and veg. Not very exciting but filling and healthy. I am not going to trip up, I even had a sandwich thin with a touch of jam this morning and still came in under my calories for the day according to my fitness app. I had the jam as my end of week splurge, yes a tablespoon of jam is a splurge, it went on the sandwich thin.  I know I'm harping on the food thing but I did it back last year too. I warned you all from the start, my rants as I try to lose my weight. 
     I am cutting back on fake sweets but I do enjoy Splenda, as I have a terrible sweet tooth. I will not use Nutra Sweet or the "blue" packets as that is aspartame and that's terrible for you, where as Spenda is sucrose, yes still not great but even with all the negative articles I have read nothing official that states its that bad. I eventually will just use real sugar as that is always the best. 
     Now lets talk Puppy Bowl. This was on the Animal Planet channel today. OMG it was so sweet. All these puppies playing really but they made commentary same as the regular game. They had hedgehogs with taffeta skirts on and then the halftime show was all cats and kittens. Hubs came up and saw what I was watching, I told him it was half time and he said of course it is. Come halftime they always bring out the pussy.  Rude but funny, I did laugh though. 
     Well tomorrow I go to the gym, I also will be going on the unemployment website and apply. I set up my account last week but since my official last day was Friday, I had to wait until tomorrow (Monday) to finish the process.
     Life here in the mid-Atlantic has been a tease of snow. They kept saying we were getting snow but although we did get lots of flurries and the ground did get a dusting there was no real snow. Not that I want snow I can measure in feet, but its nice to have some snow in the winter. I like cold weather, I'm built for it. I don't like wearing a coat when I drive though, I find it very cumbersome.
     Well peeps, I am going to end this and make myself some tea and ready for bed, hubs leaves early tomorrow so I am going to the gym before the main rush. Will shower there so I get a jump on  the day, lots to do. House errands and I'm planning on cleaning the oven and the kitchen floor. So I will say, as always - Ciao For Now.
OKAY HAD TO COME BACK  
Two things 
1) I just read on one of my Wiccan boards that a woman in PA was punched and had her attackers sic their dog on her, all because she was Wiccan. Police said there was nothing they could do until something "bad" happened. What like being punched isn't bad?! WTF!!?? That is a hate crime pure & simple. They used the dog as a weapon which is a felony. They belong behind bars. This is not made up, as the moderator of the board knows this woman. It's tragic!!
2) On my facebook page I saw that a dog that had been used to lure other dogs for dog fights (which is what the vets surmised) lost her battle the other day and died. Poor little girl was only 6 months old when they found her, tied up in a basement. The rescue workers said it was a miracle she was alive. She had multiple surgeries and went home to a loving foster family. She lived there and was starting to overcome all her scars and ills. The family made a facebook page for this little pit bull named Molly. The video shows her, from basically being chewed up, she only has one eye, then you see her getting better and even all bandaged up she was giving kisses. Then all these wonderful photos of her so much stronger. She developed a bad infection though and she was not able to fight it. At the vets, surrounded by her family she passed away. At least for the last part of her life she knew love.
HOW CAN PEOPLE BE SO CRUEL AND HEARTLESS?? A poor little puppy being used then left for dead. An innocent woman walking down a street attacked for her religion?  They say man is the most evolved animal, but I sometimes have a very hard time believing this. I send all healing thoughts to that woman and well Molly has crossed that Rainbow bridge, run free precious girl. It brings tears to your eyes. I'm crying a bit while writing this.