Early Morning Ponderings (ramblings lol)

     It's been a rough night peeps. Let's just say I went through half a bottle of Pepto
Bismol trying to keep my nauseated stomach at bay! I think the Thanksgiving revelry got to me after all. Now as I wrote, food wise I wasn't bad on Thursday. Yesterday was a little different story. Went to a pals (one of the two I have here lol ) and we ate a very filling lunch that included pumpkin tarts, that were made with shortbread crusts and a vanilla glaze. Very rich, very good and a million calories I'm sure. That was along with a full lunch of course. Wrote out Christmas cards so not much movement there. Then for dinner we had a full repeat of the night before. Then only Goddess knows why, we had panettone bread pudding. Yes, when I'm a bad calorie girl I don't do it half assed. Lol
Well, around 9pm my body said, "GIRL, YOU'VE BEEN SO GOOD, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU PUT IN ME THESE LAST FEW DAYS?!" Needless to say what happened next wasn't pretty! So after that toilet run, I lay down, only to get up, what seemed like every hour.  Lesson learned and will not be repeated at Christmas!  Ugh!!
     Speaking of Christmas, I am one of the 3 in charge of out holiday work party. I don't mind really. It's fun and a nice chance for people to chill for an hour or so. They usually shut the phones so everyone can enjoy it at the same time. We also do a secret Santa gift.  We have lots of new people so should be fun. Everyone brings food to share, our bosses bring the main meat dishes, turkey, ham, etc., and we bring side dishes. It works out quite well. I'll try a few Pinterest dishes perhaps. Heaven  knows I have lots of them. LMAO
        I'm in bed, sitting up, my cat is against my side. I've just been texting with a friend about a giftee fir his daughter and it's now sorted. I just wish I could see them open the presents, I mean that's part of the fun giving them. I try to imagine what they may like and I'm sure some things do not go over as well as others but my gifts to all ate heartfelt so I hope at least that much cones through.  Easier for adults to understand as I remember being a kid. Not quite understanding why something was given to me. ☺️Oh I love Yule/ Christmas!!
       Well I told you it was ramblings today. I'm going to stop as my tummy is not happy. Hate this, too much to do, and no time to be illin'. At least it's not a work day. So I'm going to say, ciao for now peeps, catch you all later.

Burp!

     Well Thanksgiving is done. The Alka Seltzer is at the ready, and a cup of tea to relax. I must say, I am quite pleased with my eating tonight. Some turkey. Then a spoonful of green bean casserole, same with the mashed potatoes. A bit more of the asparagus and carrots, and okay two healthy tablespoons of stuffing. (A major weakness I wil admit) then a small roll. Later a normal size piece of pumpkin pie. We have wonderful leftovers for tomorrow night which will be about the same amounts, minus the pie and whipped cream.  Okay okay, I had wine, and cocktails. So bad Mary on those. But I am not over stuffed as some are. The food was lovely, and conversations good and easy flowing. All in all just a wonderful night. So we are now settled in for the night. Hopefully an up eventful one. So far so good. Mood is calm and happy.
     Now comes the choice tomorrow is do I go shopping, or do Christmas cards. I'm thinking it may be a combo of both. I am also planning a trip to the gym in the morning as long as they are open. I was on my feet today, but I wasn't walking. So grrr, not many steps on my Up. Oh well. I can tell by my body. I am competing with me, no one else. Although I do look in awe sometimes at my friends stats on there. Lol
     Well peeps not much else going on, very VERY chill day. Loved it. 😄🍷🍷🍗
      I will say, as I do, ciao for now.

Enter The Light Of Day

     Well I came home tonight and it seems like things are seemingly normal. Very nice greeting, nice meal. A good talk. I made it known that I'm scared, I said that perhaps we need to speak with someone. It was met, at first, with denial, but then he warmed up to the idea. We shall see, we shall see.
      I just want to interrupt this blog to tell the people who listened to me, that you rock. You guys make me laugh when I need it and that is priceless. I wonder at things sometimes, the occurrences of last night re-opened communication on this issue. Moving forward is the only option.
     Now getting to my other thoughts. Ooh exciting I know! Lol. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. The day when Americans sit down and give thanks for the things they have, then after gorging themselves they lay in a stupor until they can move again. This is when they go out and buy more things to be thankful for. This holiday has become a true celebration of gluttony. Not only organic but in monetary meanings. Stores are even open on Thanksgiving, money money. We are thankful for 30% off , it's crazy!
     As for us, we are headed over to the in-laws and I have to admit we have scaled the food down. We don't gorge, we enjoy our time together. Food is not the focus of this day, it's a player in the day, but not the main view. We have things to be thankful for, last night aside, I go full time on my job Monday, I have my friends, family, and I'm getting more fit and I will be, by the end of 2014 a world traveler! Yes, I hate to tell you all but I may be mentioning that once or twice more. Lmao
     It's not easy this thing called life. I've got obstacles, big ones, but with resolve, patience and lots of perseverance, not to mention luck, love, and hope, I'll get through. I'm smiling right now and I actually feel about 80% of the smile. Lots on my mind still, but we all have our own shite, I have mine. I'm here to listen and help you, if I can with yours. I thank you for doing the same for me. Giving me memories to replay when I need a boost! I've got some good ones 😊😋
Huge hugs to the ones I love, you know who you are.  So off to bed I go for what I hope is an  uneventful night. 😜   So as always ciao for now.

I Try So Hard, So Fucking Hard

     I can't do this anymore, I'm at my wits end. I have no one to talk to, no one can truly understand this living hell. I want to run off somewhere, alone, live my life, but damn this sense of responsibility. It's now just after 2am, he's on his back in the bathroom, fell, grabbed at something so that now everything on the vanity is strewn on the floor around him. Just missing the edge of it that would have slashed his head. I can't lift him at all, he's telling me he's broken, then he's telling me to sit on his face, funny fuckin world we live in. Any other time I'd climb on but this is not one of those times. I'm scared, for him, for me. But like any drunk, he's now just sitting there like nothing happened yet I'm going to be shit at work tomorrow as I'm not going to sleep much tonight, now look I've been drunk, I've tripped over my own two feet, this is not the effects of a fun party, I understand that. This is a cry in the night, and one I'm truly scared I can't answer anymore. For better or for worse right, but god damn when does it get better!?   Oh peeps I am tired of crying in the night, I want to run away
I'm not making sense maybe, forgive me as this is my outlet.  Ciao for now. X

Well What Do You Know

     Came home tonight to no cable or internet! Whimper whimper what does one do? No technology, no mindless programs to fill the void, epiphany!! We'll rock it old school, actually talk to each other, OMG, what a concept. It started with a small how was your day? And an answer back, and from there it grew into a conversation, who would have imagined it?
     Wow, it's amazing how much we rely on these technologies that fill our time yet at the same time can, if we're not careful, overcome basic human interaction. We have a standing rule if no tv or computer during dinner. It's helped reestablish conversation. May not always like what's said but it's important to listen.  Good lesson in there. Lol
     Well hello boys and girls, Mary here coming to you at the start of Thanksgiving. Yes thus Thursday families will gather to say how thankful they are for each other and all they have. Then go out the next day and buy some more. Yes because soon it will be Christmas!  Look I'd be lying if I said I don't like getting presents, if course I love it, especially if it's a random thought, I saw this and thought if you, or I want to share this with you. Knowing that someone took the time to think of you, that's sometimes a better gift than the gift itself. I love that, being with those I've come to love and cate deeply about. Thing is, most of those I care about are no where near me so if course I want to give presents to these people. It's not going to replace a hug & kiss , or laughs around a table but it's my way to let them know I'm thinking of you and I care about you. I mean I know gifts are a poor replacement for the spectacular me LMAO but it's all I can do to let those I love know I'm thinking of them. I was writing out the Christmas cards for my Dad, and it was bittersweet. It was looking at his old reliable address book that was all written in my mother's hand. Memories if her at the same table writing boxes if cards, sad now that so many names are crossed out, some by her, and even more by me. Kind of a timetable of all those friends and family now gone. I got a little weepy addressing these cards. Oh I know I'm silly that way but it's like what I said about the internet at the start if the blog. Time doesn't stop, new ideas become reality. Some of us are here to see it, many have already passed on. How long before everyone in that book will be gone? Yes I love my family and friends dearly. You are more than an address in a book. You are part of my life always. Your names are written in pen, no erasure possible. So this Thursday when I sit down with loved  ones near to me, I will say a Thanks for all of you that will continue through Christmas, when you get my hugs & kisse disguised as gifts from me.
     Oh doesn't she get deep when there is no tv to distract her? Haha. Well I will say ciao for now ad I'm off to bed.

All These Years and I'm Still Not A Cool Kid

     Well I've been thinking tonight that when I was in school I was not a "cool kid" , well not in the group mentality. The cool kids were all friends with me on their own. One on one, or a few perhaps, but when a get together happened at someone's house I rarely was invited. It hurt at first but then I realized the ones who did invite me, the ones who included me actually wanted to hang with me. So all in all I was a selective cool kid. Lol in my late teens and 20's it changed and I hung out with the groups but I actually liked the core group better. These were my peeps. Why bring this up, you are all asking. Well tonight at work, everyone was going out to a bar for music and dancing. I was aware, but yet no one asked. The new girl even asked me directions to the place. I had a chuckle on that one. There I was back at age 14 not being included. But man I was clubbing in Manhattan, in the best clubs, The Tunnel then Magique, Danceteria, Limelight, doing things there these kids will never even know. I partied big time back then, tripping was a weekend standard. Did Rocky Horror, got invited to after hours clubs, and studio parties. It was magical, so I'm not shedding tears about not going tonight. I have my nights out, with friends I love. I prefer finer wines and better liquor. But getting down and dirty is so much more fun now. Lol yes I much prefer now to those early days, but thinking back from 19 on it's been such fun. Can't wait to see what's to come? ☺️

Can't Sleep

Got an itch I can't scratch
I can't sleep at all
Twisting and turning all night

Thoughts in my head
That Won't let me sleep
Nothing it seems is right

Dreaming of places by the sea
Vacation near water I guess
Time has  seemed to to stop advancing
For me it seems no rest

I didn't plan to make this rhyme
It just seems it did
It's a sleepless night for me it seems
But for you sweet dreams I bid

I sat down to write a quick blog and this just poured out. Lmao
Going to try and sleep so as always I say. Ciao for now

TidBits

     Well, let's see, back home in VA, not feeling well. I'm sure a good nights sleep after a nice warm cup of tea, and I'll be right as rain.  Oh I must share this funny with you. Maybe I shouldn't but those of you who know me personally will be able to imagine the blank look on my face followed by the look of the lightbulb lighting as I "get it" LOL. On Friday before I left to go to NY , I was in the toilet and hubs was standing in there and he was naked. So im looking at his crotch and I just blurt out " your ball sack doesn't look right!" He looks at me and asks why. Here's the "me" moment. I say "it looks cockeyed!" He stares at me with a look and after a second I realize what I said. I laughed for 5 minutes. He did too, I just say stupid stuff I guess. Hehe 😳
      New York was nice, quiet trip, but a nice one. Really didn't tell anyone sans one pal. Didn't see her last trip. We had a great night, killed a bottle of wine and had the new sprice Jagermeister. It tastes like Pfeffernuse. Which is a kind of gingerbread Christmas cookie/biscuit. It's really good. I recommend it. Work tomorrow, but before that, I'm going to the gym. I'm jealous of my friend who walks so much. 😆  I don't have a far trek for work like he does. I get in my car, drive 5 miles then park. I'm parking further away from door and I've taken to using the stairs but I'm on the second floor. Lol I'm tethered to my desk to, so gym is important, now more than ever.  I need to drop at least 50 pounds by the time I get to England next year. OMG I will be almost at my goal. I'm trying to picture it, hard to do. But I have an email from a dear friend telling me I will get to it. He was right, I can tell it. I'm doing it for me of course, but it's nice to feel pretty and sexy. 😜.
      Bringing a big bowl of meatballs to work for the peeps there. I made about 35 meatballs yesterday, so lots extra, and they were quite tasty if I say so myself. Lol. Well peeps, my Up band tells me I need to go to bed at 10:45 pm tonight. No I'm not joking, lol. So I have an hour to wind down, hehe. Just finishing my tea, and watching a repeat of The Big Bang Theory. Then it will be bedtime for Mary when it's over, so as always I say, ciao for now!

Total Peace

In my bed, listening to my Bruno Mars cd. All those songs, (especially Gorilla yeah baby) had glass of  wine as chaser to my tea. The thoughts in my head now. Nothing left to do but.... FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP   Ciao for now

What?!

     I feel totally like I'm trying to fight a raging fire with an eyedropper full of water. My emotions are going up in a vortex and the weird thing is I'm totally cool with it. I'm finally feeling in a good state. I did some searching today. I'm getting my "Mary" back. I backtracked, I got so crazy at the thought of losing what I have that I over grabbed AGAIN!!! Don't I fuckin do that always?? Lol I'm mental sometimes but I really mean no harm. I just love fun, and having fun, sharing fun, and I'm watching fun from the bleachers sometimes. But you know, I'm making my fun, I have no one to blame but me for my woe is me nutter times. I am flying high on things that finally are falling into place. My job is official, I passed all my background and credit checks. It's full steam ahead, plus the holidays are coming. I can't tell you the high I get from trying to find great gifts for those I care about. I have gotten some cool things so far. Yay 😊😀😆
     In all seriousness. I'm in a good place. I can only take care of me, and by doing that I'm so much better for those I love. I just have started my new routine. I start work at 9:30 so it's gym at 6, then home by 7:20. Shower, then work by 8:30 and an hour it so to ease into the day. I hate rushing into work and starting right away. Don't you prefer a nice calm AM before the days rush. I do have an easy commute so I don't have to deal with public transportation. Added plus! Oh I am a complicated crazy mental soppy sausage, lol. I'm really lovable, I am. I'm also on 6 cups of tea today so I'm bouncy right now. I will mellow out but I don't want to overcompensate, and I don't want to fuck things up. Oh please don't let me fuck up, if I'm getting near to doing that feel free to bip me on the head and say ---stop it!!   Tangent night apparently. Lmao. Ah peeps, ciao fir now. Muah

Midnight meetings

     I awoke to his lips gently sucking my nipple, then placing a finger to his lips telling me to be silent. As I nod he lays on top of me, kissing me! His tongue sweet in my mouth, while his fingers work between my legs. With one move he pulls my legs open and enters. Looking at me as he plunges deeply, filing me. Our eyes speaking for us. Oh his face making the look I love. I respond the same as he brings me over the edge several times before his own release. He erupts with such force, then still for a moment. We kiss once more our final kiss of the night. In seperate rooms we sleep content.

Teach Your Children Well

     But please remember you did! Have faith that they know what the fuck they are doing. I'm singling out you Dads out there. We were daddy's little girls , you were our first crush, you helped us see what we needed to see in a man but please realize we are not forever 10. Although we appreciate your caring and you still fretting over us PLEASE PLEASE trust yourself to know we have grown up and wiser (hopefully). I love my dad with all my heart but sometimes I want to drop kick him across a football field! I go visit him and no matter what I say I'm doing when there I get some kind of argument. I'm alwYs going somewhere or going something and it's tiring trying to fit it all around his expectations, especially when he says I do what I want it's my house too all within the same breath! I actually hung up on him tonight as he got me so angry. I love to cook and he freaks out because I say I'm going to cook Saturday. I don't understand what it had to even do with him. As a matter of fact I will be home most if the day since I have other things I need to do. Like writing Christmas cards out for him. I won't be, as he says, out galavanting. Sheesh it does my head in. I'm not perfect far from it. But if I annoy any if you in this matter, please know it's what I learned from Dsd.  So yes teach your children well. Never know what we will pick up !  Ciao for now.

11th month, 11th day, 11th hour

     Well today is/was Verteran's Day, Rememberence Day. We honor those men and women who fought for our freedoms. I have all branches of the armed services in my family sans one, The Coast Guard. I do have a dear friend though who was in the guard so all accounted for. I thank them all for protecting my arse, that's for sure.
      So today was my first day back after being out most of last week. Day went well enough, my first call had me chuckling to myself. When I asked if there was anything else I could do for him, he said no, have a good day, and great voice by the way. I actually kind if giggled a thank you. Really Mary, you get a compliment and become a 14 year old teenager? But yeah, I kinda did. Lol A busy morning gave way to a quiet afternoon.  So my only panties in a bunch scenario would be my background check. Of all things, they can't verify my high school records. I wrote back the email, really it was long ago and were they remembering to use my maiden name. Seems my school wasn't answering the calls, so I will call them in the morning.  "hello brother David, it's Mary" lol oh hell. Worst case, when I go to NY this weekend I will bring back my diploma, scan it as proof, I is educated! Lmao!!
     Well tomorrow night I'm finally getting my hair done, OH MY GOD, SHE'S going to the hairdresser!!! Alert the media. Maybe nothing to you, but my hair is a hot mess right now. My blond gets more pop, I love the blonde. I'm thinking of a new style, still keeping a bob like look. I'll take a pic. Nothing very exciting, tonight, so I'm not going to force banal ramblings on you all. So that means, I'm going to bid you all good night. So ciao for now peeps.

Is It Really Only Eight PM?

     This daylight savings time switch to standard time sucks big hairy balls. It's only 8PM and it feels like it's already close to midnight. Granted I have been ill for the last few days, so perhaps my body is still not up to 100% but damn. It's too early to feel this late. LOL
      So the last few days have been not my most exciting, but I did get about half of my Christmas presents, the ones I have to ship out, ordered. I'm excited about the boys, I hope he likes them. I'm going to need a bit of help with the girls though. Lol I have lots of ideas but I need a little guidance on them. I love sending prezzies! Eeeeeee - that's a squeal of delight. ☺️
      I am such a silly Baggins, I was on EBay and was "this close" to bidding on a set of Elf on the Shelf dolls. From when I was a kid. They were the exact same ones. Memories came rushing back, isn't funny that I was going to buy memories for a mere $18.65. But then I realized memories have no price and these were not the ones from my childhood. I may have purchased them if I had children, but no, so the bidding went past me, and as a side note, those suckers sold final bid at $32.45! OMG they probably cost $3.00 if that much when they were new! So I guess someone was able to put a price on memories. 😜
       Well tomorrow it's back to work, Tuesday will be the gym, work, then hair cut & color. This gorgeousness doesn't happen all by itself you know. BWAHAHA  a peeps I still got it! Now what to do with it!  HAHAHAHA ooh somebody stop me! 😜😝
         I will stop myself, and say as you all know, ciao for now!

What's She Going On About Now

     In these early hours of the morning, one tends to feel a bit like the God Janus. Looking at the day just gone, while pondering the day ahead. I find myself drifting from one to the next quite easily as if floating on a cloud. I like this time of morning when my thoughts keep me company. I am the Queen and while my subjects sleep I am free to behave as I wish, even if the actions play out only in my mind. There is nothing that stops me,  and in my thoughts  no one questions my reason or intelligence. I have full autonomy. My world is as quirky as a Mad Hatters, mixed with the grounded vision of any good philosopher. My connection to my heart is stronger and I feel connected tfamily and friends in a way that I wish I could express yet am never able to do. My words always seem contrived and overused. Maybe the pure love I have for these people goes beyond anything I could find in a dictionary. No matter what, it's obvious that I have an easier time of writing what I feel, as I trip over my emotions when I try to speak them.
     I want to be elegant but I'm not sure it's a good fit for me. I would just once like to ride in a limo to start a 5 star night. Oh how the beautiful people all know just how to hold their champagne glasses. How to say just the right thing and laugh just so perfectly and always at the right time. So not me. I'm boisterous and talk way too much, I spill things and have a knack for blurting out my thoughts without thinking them through. I'm the proverbial sow's ear waiting to be made into a silk purse. But truthfully the folks in steerage always seem to have lots of fun. So -I'm happy with me overall . I like who I am and want to share myself with family and friends but alas very few are nearby. So I get distraught occasionally. I found something today about missing people  that said it best.  It went ( and I'm paraphrasing here) "It's not who you've known the longest but its when you are in a moment that you think of someone who you want to share what's happening, that's truly missing someone. " I have the quote somewhere but you get the gist if it.  I have come across things in day to day that I think of people and know they could appreciate s situation or something the same as me. Something we would share. Love that.
     I want to share myself with you dear friends and love when you share back with me. That's worth more than gold. It's priceless. It's bedtime now. So I say ciao for now

Wee Wee Wee Then All The Way Home

     It was not the best of days peeps. I stayed home as nothing would stay down from about 2 in the morning. I finally had a light meal that stayed down, and I'm finishing a nice warm mug of tea. I will be at work tomorrow's ought and on a new schedule. I will get to sleep tomorrow until at least 7 or 7:30 AM! Woohoo!! Lol
     Well I did go for my drug test this afternoon. Yes the wee into a cup. I hate this, if you remember last time I dropped the cup into the toilet. I had the hardest time of it. Well thus time I wee'd like a boss! I gave them more than they needed. I was spectacular in my wee wee effort this time. So yes I am a full time employee as of the 2nd of December!
     Peeps I am going to read a bit and go to sleep, I'm still not 100%, but I wanted to drop by. Until next time, ciao for now.

Christmastime Is Here (Almost)

     I find myself feeling a bit like poor ole Charlie Brown. I am already seeing the stores getting ready, the tinsel and trees are huddled in the corner waiting to burst onto the scene. Much like the players on a team bursting through the thin paper banner with their name on it! It's so overwhelming. Get this, do this, buy this it's better than that. Look I love to buy things, I love buying things at Christmas. I've already got a list of what I'm getting those in my life. But it's not just that, hell most of those people will be getting gifts from the dear postal services. I won't even see their faces as they open there gifts. I enjoy that more than getting gifts really. Unfortunately there are only a handful that I will actually hand the gifts to. Which brings me to the thoughts that have been running through my head this afternoon.
      I have the joy of becoming a full time employee no longer a temp in December. That month when the weather grows cold (in the northern hemisphere at least) and family seems to matter more for some reason. My family was not very large, I'm talking immediate family, as my Italian side has more than enough cousins to film The Godfather parts 4, 5 and 6! I'm an only child and yes I had great Christmas mornings, Santa left me so much. But as I grew older and perhaps a bit wiser, I came to love the traditions we had. One gift opened after we got back from midnight mass. I never went so much for the secular, as even back then I knew the church wouldn't fill my spiritual needs, but it did fill the need I had for family.  Seemed my little suburban town brought everyone out for that mass. All my friends from school and their families and it was like for that hour and a half I had a huge family. Not to mention a very cool new Christmas pin and gaudy corsage with poinsettias and red balls on my coat lapel. LMAO  as I grew older I stayed up with my mom and grandma after mass to help cook for the feast the next day brought. Simple joys but fun. Good memories. There were sad times. I had one Aunt die on Christmas Eve. Not the most festive occurrence. The one where for some reason we barely were scrapping by. No big presents that year at all. But I got little things for my mom, grandma and dad. I was 16, I remember it well. We had dinner just the 4 of us. We watched tv together that night. Tree lights on and egg nog. Still one of my best Christmas nights.
Now I've been here in VA for 14 years and this makes the 14th year I will not be with my dad for Christmas. I have a real strong pull to be there this year for some reason. The man is going to be 86 this year, bless. How many more Christmas days is he going to see? May it be many but fact is it will not be as many as wanted and I don't want him to leave this world without spending at least one more with him. Not a week or two close to the date, coupled with the fact his birthday is the 29th of December. Maybe there is a reason I'm feeling this pull. It hurts to be honest. Hubs hates NY, traveling hurts him and he hates driving long drives and you know traffic that time of year. Dad never seems to want to come here. So there I am stuck in the middle. I love the man, all little girls love their daddy's right! He's still here, mom's spirit is still there but he's enjoying his life and I'm happy for him. But I want to make a meal for him, perhaps the neighbors, his lady friend. Fill the dining room with talk and laughing again. Bring back those dinners of long ago. I would love that, but I truly don't see it happening and because if that I am feeling the tears running down my face. I wish the answer would come to me somehow. Maybe it will.  The holidays are here, love those that matter, I do very much. Just wish I could give you all a hug and kiss on those days when it is just needed, by me anyway.  I'm going to sleep. Ciao for now peeps.

Just that kind of night.

I used to love being alone. I'd get things done and catch up on my reading and just chill. I don't like it anymore - see it used to be that I was always hanging with friends, doing something or going somewhere. So it was an enjoyable break. Now it's the norm and I really don't like it. I miss human contact!   I'm at the point that I'm not going to be nice anymore. I'm going to go out and have fun. I'm just not sure how! 😥