Sleep Is So Overrated

     I just can't seem to get my sleeping patterns in sync this week. I even went to sleep early tonight. Lights out by 10:45pm. Here I wake up at 2 again. It's nuts! It's throwing off everything. I grab my iPad and read my book, but it doesn't help. Hope this passes soon.
      It's Friday and that means another weekend of house cleaning. This time we ate focusing on the backyard. We have a fenced in, rather small yard. It's doable as long as your not looking to put in a swimming pool. I just want all the old stuff removed. I am calling my lawn guy to see how much he would charge to clear out everything. I long to get a quaint patio set to sit outside and eat dinner al fresco. I enjoy that, and we have a nice grill but we eat inside. I envision so much in my head and I don't think I'm being extravagant. I know we are going to do basic, as my hubs has a camper mentality. I like a bit more comfort in my yard. We will compromise I'm sure. But sometimes I would like, just once, a little more than basic!
     I think that's why I love my car. It's not basic, it's not top of the line either, but it's a nice middle ground. I got the convertible, I got the "pony package"  (it's a Ford Mustang) so my engine, although not a GT V8, is a nice supercharged, throaty V6. She moves well. Stereo is not the 1000 watt, only the 500, but the bass is great. Nice 17" alloy wheels. It's more than basic. It's fun to drive, and it's my escape rocket. I like nice things, I'm not ashamed of that. I also would like to get another job so I can pay for what I want. Gifts are nice, but I was taught you work for what you want. I'm trying. I look everyday.
      I found out that the company I worked for closed ( sold off) an entire division. 6000 people will very well possibly find themselves without a job. It s so very sad. Consider yourselves lucky if you are working. I always did, and wish to again. I know there is something out there. I rarely mention my angst about it anymore. Friends got tired of hearing me complain I know. It's not their problem, and since they can't really help it's not right to be a downer to them. So I'm trying to focus on good things. Like the yard and my home getting some much needed curb appeal.
     Next weekend will be busy, tonight I have a date with some wine. I may splurge and get this cheese from England that had cranberries in it.  I forget the name but it starts with a "W". Lol  it's wonderful. I have grapes and strawberries. So it's not bad. We have a home, food, clothes. I go to a gym, able to put gas in my car. I am thankful for all of this, as well as the people in my life. So until next time peeps, I will say, Ciao For Now

Please pardon

The spelling, granmer and word errors. I wrote the blog late and will correct it later. When I'm on my laptop. Ciao. Now go read more. Hahaha x

A Passion I Think

     Tonight on Facebook there was a link to a Florida paper telling the story of a small town that is boycotting a Summer Solstice festival that is scheduled to be happening there. It states that all these pastors and ministers were saying they didn't want no witches in their town, said just like that. Educated people of God right? BULLSHIT!! Sorry but I never heard such uneducated remarks from men and women, who seemed to take joy in shouting them Wht does Lucy from Charlie Brown comics say? "If you can't be right, be wrong at the top of your voice"  Well I tell you it made me so angry. Look Pagans, witches, Wiccans, all get a bad rap. Of course as is everywhere you get radical. The extremist who want to shock. Majority do not, us Wicca witchy folk are ruled by the law of 3. Harm none, so more it be. Very powerfull and it makes you responsible for your actions. None of this "sinning" all week then off to church for a hour on a Sunday and all is forgiven. Like in science, every action has a reaction. What you do or say has an effect on something. I hate when people spew out Jesus' words when they are acting the least like the man they claim to adhere to.
      I was born ( I always want to say the line from the movie the Jerk lol) into a Catholic family. Irish and Italian, so church was every Sunday, Catholic school, 12 years of it. Even my university was kind of Catholic,it was Jesuit run. An offshoot so to speak. It didn't work for me. I have nothing giants it per say, but for me it left a big hole. Being a witch or if its more acceptable, Wiccan, works well for me. It fits like a glove and it pains me to see it belittled and broken down to a Hollywood mentality by heads of churches that are supposedly teaching the words of a man who said to love thy neighbor as thyself, everyone, it didn't say except other religions, or sexual preferences, it said everyone.
     Even the US government has recognized Wicca as a religion. In national cemeteries they now offer to have a pentagram adorn the headstones on the graves of Wiccan military men and women.
Look I don't announce it, I don't say hi I'm Mary and I practice an age old religion, yet I have people come to my door trying to get me to switch to their religion. Sorry dudes but its not like I'm switching cable companies here,  this was a choice I made. As an adult, freely, and I don't regret it at all. I have friends of several faiths and some who are atheists. Whatever fits for you. I have to interject here, I like this new Pope Francis, he has a gentle way about him and already is making statements that I'm sure some die hards won't take kindly too. I like that lol
     Getting back to my point, see I do get there, is that these folks are complaint that the marina where it's to be held and the town will be over run by devil worshipers, witches and warlocks. P,EASE P,EASE if you are going to insult a group at least educate yourself a little. We don't believe in the devil, devil didn't make us do that. Like I said we are accountable for OUR OWN ACTIONS and the word warlock is insulting. In Welsh it means traitor, so not nice to call someone that. A male witch is just that, a male witch!  The man who owns the marina is not backing down, good for him. Don't like it then don't go see it. The solstice had been around to sands and thousands of years, it's going to happen wether you acknowledge it or not.
     My fear though is the radicals on both sides of this fence. Yes Wicca is gentle and nature based but nature can be volatile and sadly there are fanatics here too. I just hope the confrontation doesn't turn physical. All it akes is one lunch thrown. So I for one app,aud the festivities, hope it brings good cash flow to the little town. Hope it's peaceful and calm. I have no grip with any belief as long as you do no harm. Harm someone and yea then you have an issue. The path to the Divine has many routes. I wish you all a peaceful journey. Lol I should say Cool Runnings. ( peace be the journey according to the movie. BWAHAHA ) nice sentiment though. :-).  So until next time peeps, light and love to you all and of course Ciao For Now.

Quarter To 3 , No One is Awake , it's Only Me

     Yes here it is almost 3 am, and again I am awake. I am all sweaty though as my fever from yesterday broke finally. I long to take a shower right now but I'd wake the hubs so I will wait the 3 hours for his alarm to go off then jump into the shower. I will need to strip the bed too.  Yuck
     I have no idea why I'm awake, too much on my mind I suppose. It's coming on 4 months out of work and I was really hoping to be at another job by now. I feel guilty about every dollar I spend. I feel like I'm a bad person if I go see my dad in NY leaving hubs to go to work. We have always been a two income family and I am not used to being home. I rather like going to work, being productive. Feeling that I'm contributing something, know what I mean? Ah well there is something for me I'm sure, but I wish it would hurry its ass up and get here lol
      My cousin mentioned the other say that her daughter asked her if sh was fat! Apparently someone called her thy and it upset her. My Cuz was so upset and exp,aimed to her little one that she is beautiful no matter what. She is a very pretty little girl. She is not fat, she is more what I would call soft. Her body is not bone thin like o many 7 year olds, but it's not how she is built. Her mom is a sturdy gal, again very curvy and I mean J Lo curvy, maybe a size 12 max. Drop dead gorgeous too, but I may be biased. Lol Her daughter is a mini me of her. It makes me sad that her little one had to even ask that. I guess she is at the age when girls start to notice themselves and as she grows she will sleek out I'm sure as she is an active kid. If not, it doesn't matter, as long as she is healthy.
      See I guess I never reached that point growing up. I was thinking about that and I really don't recall when my body "matured" so to speak. Being a chubby kid I had boobs in second grade but I remember fighting with my mom to let me wear a tee shirt on gym days and not my bra. I was kind of embarrassed to be wearing one when the other girls didn't. I got better as the years went on. I do remember shaving my legs at 12 for the first time and giving myself a slice right up the front of my leg. My friend Julie di the same thing when he did it too. Wonder if its like a little right of passage ll us girls go through? Lol  I was a tomboy and I liked to play things like dodgeball and rode my bike all over the place. I was on a basketball team in junior school, I was always active so even tough I was chubby I was able to move and run fine. Still I was teased but I could care less back then. High school was different. I was more aware of my pudge and yet I always had boyfriends. Cute ones too. Lol I don't know, my life growing up had lots of old times but there were darker ones, bullies at camp poking me telling me I was fat and they isn't p,at with fat kids. Yea I told my mom I didn't want to go to camp anymore, she dent ask why and I never told why.  Girl Scouts was fun, dances were fun, school trips, the first time I rode a snowmobile so any good times.  Ah peeps it's after 3 so my mind is wandering and I'm bringing you with me.
      I'm an odd duck I know. I sometimes write like I belong in the 1800's not 2013, I don't overly curse, although frustration about work had lent itself to more colorful language as of late.  I'm the kid who told my neighbor that a homeless man was a cousin so he would pay I'm to shovel her sidewalk and driveway so he could earn some money, I was 7! Lol ths was also the same lady who had a gorgeous garden, I loved it and so I picked her a bouquet from her own garden and handed it to her one afternoon when she answered the door. I also gave away my moms kit hen appliances to my friends because they liked them and then had to go collect them back with my mom later that night. I was a handful then and am a handful now.  Lol okay that's enough of a twisted road of words I've taken you on, and too self serving. Next time I won't ultimately write about me. But those tangents are so fun! Lol. At 3:20 I wil say ciao for now peeps :-)

I Can't Believe What I Read

     I saw something on a persons page on another website. It had a pic of George Carlin and under it said, Fucking a fat chick is mind blowing. Well I never had heard this attributed to Carlin so I googled if he ever said it. Nothing like that came up, but what did was a skit he did of 10 things he'd say to fat people.  I browsed the replies to see what others thought since I didn't listen. WOW WOW WOW The amount of hateful, rude, purposely mean remarks took me aback. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I'm not talking about things like "oh ate a few too many pies" or cutsey things like that. I'm talking things like "lazy fat fucks don't deserve a life" or I hate fat fucks. Amazing how fat and fuck go together in so many replies. Those were the nicer of the remarks. I tell you, I've been teased by strangers and I've developed a thick skin but as I read these, I felt a tear run down my check. These people don't know me, or any of the ones they are teasing. I'm not stupid, I know that I need to get more healthy, which is why I go to a gym and eat better foods. Also here you have Carlin, thin man, who has had 3 heart attacks with surgery. Isn't that just for fat folk. Of course its not. I think I was partly crying because here was a man who used to be so funny with observations and before he died he got very harsh. Very critical. But damn if I didn't feel like Piggy in "Lord Of The Flies" reading what these people were saying, and every time someone tried to say stop you don't know why they are fat, they had their throats jumped down for defending fat people. It just made me sad, I needed to pen this as it's 5:30 am and I'm tired but can't sleep as I'm coughing too much. Ah so it goes. This fat chick is thinking its not making as much sense on here as it is in my head. Now THAT'S a scary place :-) Hope your day is stellar

A Long Weekend Comes To A Close

     As the midnight hour approaches I think back on the last few days. My cold is leaving the same way as it did months back, by way of a cough and wheeze. Very annoying to say the least. But hubs on the other hand is feeling it in full right now. Just before he was shivering so much I put a second blanket over him as he slept. He grabbed at it, almost waking up, but I ran the back of my hand over his cheek and he quieted. Now is snoring away. I know I have been as this cold wrecked my breathing . The neighbors must be wondering what jackhammers were  being used at the sounds I must have made. Lol
    Main thing is I am headed back to the gym tomorrow after my doctors appointment. It was closed today and last week I was not up to going, I barely wanted to get out and take a shower. I did of course as some things had to be done. Saturday I met up with the lawn guy to remove the leaves and clutter from the yard and he can late Sunday afternoon. I was surprised he did it so fast but very grateful he did. The yard looks so sad now, no grass at all, just dirt and little tufts of green that are trying to look lush, but failing miserably at it. Haha. I want a yard where I can wiggle my ties in lush cool grass. We are going to see about getting the entire yard aerated and plant grass seed. I actually went out today and bought a  small heap garden fairy at a yard sale. She is cute and sits on my front deck. I hung a small flag that has cheery butterflies on it , on a welcome post that is staked next to our lawn lamp post. I want the house to look pretty, I want the inside comfortable. I want the kind of home that I grew up in, where you felt welcome, and were treated well. My mom always had cookies or little cakes on hand for tea with guests. Or if you were there at dinner time, there was plenty should you have decided to stay if asked (you were always asked)  😀 It will get there, little by little. It's mapped out in my head. Gods help us all hahaha
      It was a powerful weekend, with the full moon, lunar eclipse,  and the fact that mercury , Venus and Jupiter were visible with the naked eye . All this made for an exciting feeling running through you even if you weren't doing much. I read a lot, skyped  with my friends daughter (and her sister also after a fashion). It was sweet, I can't explain it. She was sitting there brushing her dolls hair quite comfortable in the fact we hadn't spoken. Just having a giggle at silly things. I also made sure it was okay to Skype as I don't want to interfere with house rules. That would not be cool, nor would I disrespect her parents that way.   Then there was the chicken....... Ominous sounding huh? FEAR NOT, I just made an abundance of chicken that we had enough for 3meals. We finally finished it tonight, thank the gods!!! Sorry  tangent crossing. Lmao
     So while writing we have now crossed past the midnight hour, I should go to sleep but when I lay down I cough and its not conducive to sleep, so I think I'll make a cup if tea when I'm done.  Oh oh. I have to tell you, speaking of beverages. Hubs made coffee tonight and I like this sugar free powdered creamer, it's hazelnut flavored. I put it in my coffee and stirred and it splashed onto the mug in the shape of two hearts. I couldn't believe it. I took a pic for Facebook. I almost didn't want to wash the mug but well I had to, because, yuck, dirty mug. :-D. So it was a quiet, peaceful weekend filled with energy that I'm still feeling. It's positive energy and I'm hoping news of work comes soon. Things to do, people to do them to you know. Lol I had a totally different blog p,annex but this will do for now. I will start earlier tomorrow and write it then, so until that time, I will say as always: Ciao For Now

A Witches Tale

      She sipped her tea as she gazed upwards. Watching her beloved moon, full and round, climb the night sky. Soon it would be time she thought to herself. The thought made her smile. She looked over to the bed and her husband blessedly had fallen asleep. Her cat looked up as she stretched out her back paws then re-curled her tail. "Oh, did I disturb your sleep?" She asked. The cat let out a big yawn as if to say yes and don't let it happen again. The room was calm, the night was chilly even though they were coming up on the end of May.
      Okay time to get the proverbial ball rolling. She gathered her things: her athame ,which is  the ritual knife never used to physically cut anything, her chalice, her little cauldron which she loved ( it was just so witchy lol), these and the rest were all ready and waiting. She proceeded. Clearing her mind, she lit the candle as she had been taught those 25 years ago, grounded and centered herself and brought her breathing to a steady measured pace. Being a solitary for so long, she developed small rituals that satisfied herself and hoped they satisfied her Goddess. She often felt the loving touch of the Goddess. She also knew what it felt like not to get the result she was after. The Goddess after all is the great mother, and as such she gives as she feels her children need. This fact was accepted years ago, and served as a way to gain self awareness and to do for yourself. Until recent years she stumbled on both these counts. With simple, pure thoughts she chanted what others might call a prayer.  The full moon was a time of beauty, of fufilment, of setting forth new goals that would show progress by next full moon. Build as the moon grows, tear down as it wains. Now  she looked up to the sky, called out for protection, and reaffirmed her love, shared  her dreams aloud so they would come to fruition with her own help, day by day. It felt good, it felt right. The energy of the night was strong. She hummed and felt her body swaying to the music in her head. Slow and with purpose she moved back and forth almost snakelike except she was kneeling, not on the floor. When the time felt right she took the salt out of the bowl with the tip of her athame and put into the chalice of water, the great rite they called it! Union of the God and Goddess. You didn't need to be a scholar to get the meaning of the knife entering the chalice. Sex is not shameful to the Goddess or to her either. She ate the small biscuit and drank the salted water in honor of the Mother Moon shining down. She could smell the incense as well as the oils she had annoited herself with. This one was an alluring scent with cinnamon and clove. She had another that was more like the sea, but the spice felt right as the air ad a crispness to it. She had many oils and incenses, tonight was simple but for Sabbaths she would light charcoal and place it in her sensor, which was the cauldron for her and burn different ones. Some smelled good, others not as much. The few times she ad asked others to join her she would put on a little show at the rituals end. She would mix some sugar and salt Peter together and once the end was coming she would give her guest a final kiss and throw this mix right onto the charcoal and flames would shoot up and sparkle like stars. Very dramatic, but not tonight as just she was there to acknowledge the moon hanging heavy in the sky.   She let her mind drift, to the morning she and her boyfriend greeted the sun as it started to rise over the ocean's horizon. In unison they made the moves of the God and Goddess standing at waters edge, and as the sea came in she could
feel the water rush over her ankles. She opened her eyes and between her feet was a piece of white marble in the shape of a triangle. Of course the mundane world would say it came in with the tide, or the sand washed away from it as the tide ran out. She knew it was a gift to her, no one could tell her different. She brought herself back to where she was, and what she was doing. She loved  to remember special things and special people. She closed her ritual by pinching out the candle, while saying her thank you.  She was peaceful. For now. Lol

True story or made up? You decide, as for me I am saying ciao for now :-)

Why Is The Question I Guess

   I have come to terms that I am not going to get hired for every job I apply to, but in the last few weeks I have not even gotten any replies from the places I did apply to. Is it too much to ask, or to expect, that a company at least let you know they received your résumé. It's quite disheartening.

I want to scream, or cry, or oh I don't know. I need hugs and kind words, and for once I will say YES I AM NEEDY! I need a purpose, a reason. I'm trying to find something I want to do with my life but all I get is false leads. I even looked into getting loans but I have no collateral to start anything.  I want to make my mark but its not easy when all you have is invisible ink!!

All My Bags Are Packed, I'm Ready To Go

     To NY that is. I am quite excited by this and really looking forward to seeing my friends. I don't relish the drive, although it should be ( knock wood) uneventful. Not a holiday weekend, which I try not to drive those roads at all costs.   I'll tell you more on Monday night after I get home. 
     I am concerned about food as all three of my adventures will have food in the center of them. The tea room shouldn't be too bad as the sandwiches are finger sized, but it's the damn scones with jam and clotted cream that will be an issue. But I figure I can cut the scone into 4ths and share it with my friend. 2 pieces 1/4 each will feel like more ( in Mary world anyway) Brunch will be a veggie omelet of some kind. I know the French toast will be calling me but I will stay true. The communion, not sure. I will let you know. The thing is not to center the food but the friends.  Went to the gym 3x this week as I won't go again until at least Tuesday next week.  So that part of my trip is all up in the air. 
     I will take a few pics so you can see lol
     I have no real post tonight but wanted to get back into posting as often as I can. I also moderate a group board on a weight mgmt board. It's for scifi fans. And some nice chat from the folks there.  I saw my old manager today and she said I really look like I've lost weight. Not when I lay down, "the chin" comes back. But at least I'm not taking pictures for Facebook with my arm held up so my face looks thinner.  Lol I'm actually taking them full on now. Ah yes life s good. BWAHAHA 
     Okay enough goofy. So I'm off to sleep, as soon as I finish my tea. Been having green tea the lat few days. 😀Need to get some as these are ones hub gets from work and I'm sure it's the lowest grade possible.  I've become sort of a tea snob, thanks to my friends in England. Lol.  I can think of worse obsessions...........................sorry I'm back, I was thinking of worse obsessions.  It's warm in here hehe   And on that note. I will say Ciao For Now 

Men I Ask You

     When you are cuddling and what have you with your partner, on a scale of one to ten, how bad is it to start giggling while kissing? Of course I'm asking as this is what happened to me tonight. I don't know why, I don't know how it happened, but it did.  Every time I started to get into a deep kiss wi the hubs, I started to giggle. I can't explain what came over me. But I could feel it starting and then yep out it came. The kissing was no different then other times, but I admit it has happened before. Of course he gives me the wounded puppy eyes and that makes me laugh more.  So I close my eyes, lean in to take, start it goning and then, hehehehe. We gave up after about 6 tries. No clue, but I'm giggling thinking of it now.  Oh vey!
      I'm sure men don't want that, but I love to kiss, I love listening to music, having wine or a cocktail and just kissing. Enjoying the feel and taste of your partner. It's great, perhaps more romantic thn some guys are. Men, I recommend it, try it one night.
Women and men are different (obviously) and we like different things but I just saw in my Yankee Candle catalog, they have a line of men's candles. One is called man town, kind of a take on the man cave idea. What would that scent be? Beer? Sweat? Beer? Dirty socks? All mixed with sweaty balls. Oh yea get the lighter. Lol I think it has a men's cologne type scent, meaning like a spicy body spray. Could be interesting. The one called Riding Mower ( not making this up folks) should smell good if it sticks to that newly mown grass and hay smell, that sweet clean smell, I like that a lot.  Then the one that tops it for me is called.......Hmmm Bacon! Yes bacon. The house will smell like cooking bacon all day. Oh dear. Hahahahaha. I'll stick to my spiced pumpkin and home sweet home scents thank you very much.
     I've already told a few people, but I went shopping today and purchased a dress in a size that is 2 dress sizes less than what I had in my closet. It's a big gal size, 22/24. It's not stretchy material, so it's not like the dress is hugging myamas body. No, it hangs nicely. Of course it's supposed to be just knee length. It hangs to my mid calf LOL, still better an ankle right? It put me in a good mood. It shows me on my own body that the trips to the gym are working.  I started a few weeks back checking in all the time and it annoyed me to see all the same check in. Lol Look I do this for me, not so everyone can ooh and ahhhh about me. So decided I'm not checking in anymore. Results will show so no need to post it every time!  See I am learning lol
     My eyes are closing peeps, was up at 5am so I am going to say my usual Exit.  Ciao for Now.

Just A Sentance Will Do It

     I got my hair done today, and as soon as I walked into the salon, and my hairdresser saw me, first words from her were "You've lost weight!"  Now she was not saying this to be kind. She didn't say that the last time she saw me, she is honest about it as I have found out, she has lost about 80 pounds herself. It felt good. When I see myself in the mirror I see no difference, but she hasn't seen me in about 5 weeks so - YAY!! lol 
     Well as usual she did a lovely job on my locks and I can now see without hair in my eyes. My bangs (fringe) starting to get like an English sheepdog LOL I do feel better but damn, my walking is still not where I want it to be. I am more flexible, I can lift my legs higher and more further back ( I know because of an exercise!! What were YOU thinking?? HAHA) I need that boost, and it felt nice. 
     I got my hair done as I am headed to NY this coming weekend. I have a Communion to go to and I am so looking forward to it. It came up quick, I got the invite a month ago, and here it is, this Saturday.  I am also now having tea on Friday afternoon with my friend. I am looking forward to that. Now I'm not sure if it's a real English tea but they say yes, and I am a tea fiend so it's all good. I'm trying to see if my friends from upstate want to go to brunch on Sunday, and I of course will see who else can go. Will keep an eye on my food intake, eggs and salads and the like. Now I have to tell you, one time I go to NY,  I would love to go to the afternoon tea at The Ritz Carlton or The Astor Court at the St.Regis Hotel. It's former is legendary of course, and the latter, supposed to be so top drawer, and very elegant. Of course I'm sure it costs a fortune. Maybe when I win a lottery  LOL One day I will!! There are so many fine tea rooms now in NY, I'm sure I will get to one. I need to look into this more. I am so appreciative of T going through all the trouble of getting this reservation on Friday. I will be taking lots if pics! LOL  Thinking of another cup now as a matter of fact. Is that you calling me Earl??? hehe
     Today was a friends birthday, a good friend and I wasn't able to get him his gift on time!! I am so mad at myself, and even more that I forgot his daughter's gift in my car trunk!! I have it all boxed and ready for shipping and it did not get sent. She must think I forgot about her. That is the worst part. My friend understands, but children don't always get it. And they shouldn't have to!! One more reason I hate that he lives so far. From what I saw & heard from him, he had a great birthday though. YAY, as I think birthdays are awesome. I have no problem telling people that I will be 52, I look darn good for it. Sexy even, in a short round kind of way. :-D   He should get a kick out of his present. I hope so :-D   I have another friend who has a birthday tomorrow! I must call her at midnight and sing to her, this way she can start her day with my voice in her head :-) Shouldn't everyone. LOL 
     Well peeps I am getting up early as I want to get in an extra gym day. I did only bike and treadmill today so I am doing those and machines tomorrow. Alarm is set for 5:30AM eek!! (smirk) SO as I always do, I am saying Ciao For Now.
    

 

Worthy Of A Read

     So I found my way to the gym yesterday after all. I couldn't let it go by me. I had to at least go ride the bike or do the treadmill, I ended up with the former. I rode about 35 minutes. I ride at a moderate pace and today I picked the mountain bike terrain option. Lol. No clue if that is any better or worse than the free style one I normally do but as par, at about 20 minutes in I feel the sweat on my head. My head! Body is dry as a bone, and it's just part of my weirdness. I then finished up with ab crunches. I added another 5 lbs to my reps so now I am at 40 on that one.   I have put it to 50 when 30 seemed way to easy, but 50 was doable but tough. I am a weakling really. I mean I'm starting at slug level. After the Chinese food Saturday night I couldn't let it go. I am trying to go every other day at least. I was there for about an hour. Kind of in stealth mode yesterday. Usually I check in on Facebook but I left my phone in the car and seemed dumb to check in when I was actually leaving. Lol. I don't want anyone to think I'm bragging either or even setting myself up for failure.  

     I make no promises, sans one. That is to try my best to accomplish this, what at times, seems a Herculean task! So yea there will be sesame chicken nights, or frozen yogurt afternoons. I can adjust my caloric intake to accomplish this without too much trouble. Bedsides, you work out, you get more calories. Now to me it seems almost defeatist if you use them. I mean shouldn't you just stay at your regular calories and not binge on the extra ones you get? Or is it since you worked out you need the extra calories? Can someone answer that as it confuses me. I can see both of them being correct. 

     I enjoy going to the gym. It's working its way in to the getting my hair done category. It's something I do for me that makes me feel good. Selfish witch that I am lmao I really see no difference in me or my body. As a matter of fact, my diminishing second chin seems purifier today than it did last week. What's up with that? I'm working this so different than last excursions into the gym and think in the long run I will benefit more. 

     Oh of course next Friday I will be meeting my friend at a tearoom for, get this....tea!

Can you imagine? Lol I have never in my life had clotted cream, or Devonshire cream or whatever they hell its called and I want some, on a scone, along with strawberry jam or lemon curd! I want the cucumber sandwich and whatever other goodies will go along with my pot of tea.  It's at 4:30 (divine right?) so it will be a dinner.  Then later if we get hungry, it will be salads late that night. I will be hitting the gym often and staying longer  this week and next as this communion on Saturday is going to offer little in low cal choices. So I will enjoy myself but keep to smaller portions. I am not shooting for thin, like I said I am doing for health. I'm tired of not being able to walk without getting out of breath or my back hurting. I am only 5 ft and my fame is weak from extra  weight. I know this I'm not stupid.  I caught a side view in the mirror recently and stared! I tried to really evaluate myself.  It was less Jabba the Hut looking but my damn tummy. I see ladies who I know weigh more but they don't have that issue. Now if I could only push all that up to my boobs, I'd be a happy bunny.  I am such a work in progress. I have a doctors appointment end of the month to let him know what I'm doing and make sure I have no restrictions as I want to keep building more and more.  

     This is the only place I alm about this really, I don't want it to consume me. I am vey mindfull of that. It's just part of my routine now. I don't want skinny. I want my size 14, I want to ride a roller coaster again, I want to be able to take care of a one the way it should be. Things you all take for granted I have red flags on lots of them. Now some larger folks don't have these issues. Bless them, like I've mentioned everyone is beautifully different. But for me I just have to. Trust me I love food too much not to eat good stuff. My friends are good cooks and I will enjoy what they serve, that's not changing. 

     This also takes my mind off my job situation. Still nothing. I had hoped something was going to happen last week, but no go. The recruiter said they were looking for a more specific person. She disagreed with them, but fine and dandy, they have the final say. She got me all hyped up for it too, and I admit I was quite disappointed to not even be considered. Next one right? I hope so! 

     Well peeps its 2:30 in the morning and I best get to sleep, or try too. So I will say ciao for now 

Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

     Que whistling. Lol. Well lets see, it's Sunday and its Mother's Day here in the US of A. It's a good day so far. Last night I had a good number of calories available so we had Chinese food. Will not be doing that anytime again soon. It was delicious but I had (hanging head) sesame chicken. I ate an allotted amount but I regretted it soon after and most of this morning. My tummy was not happy with me. If you get what I'm saying.  Anyway - we got up fairly early and since I was still feeling yucky I did not go the gym (will be there early tomorrow) but I went out and went to Starbucks. We had steel cut oats with blueberries so breaks was healthy and yummy, I really needed a bland food to start today and it worked. I feel much better.  Now, like I said its Mother's Day today. Both mine and hubs moms are no longer with us. It's a day for me when I think back on life lessons that my mom taught me, as well as the times she let me fall on my ass to learn a lesson. She didn't spoil me, grandma did that lol, but she did give me lots.  When I was younger, of course I had toys and a bike, clothes and a great bedroom filled with books. She sang to me and read to me every night. As I got older and into my teens, we would go have breakfasts on Saturdays since my dad worked back then that day. Then she fell ill for years. After she had chemo, we went away, and had a blast. We developed a more adult relationship. I can't tell you how proud I felt when she liked my apartment, and the things in it. I had my parents over for dinner and she complemented my cooking too. Thing is, it's all due to her. She taught me all that, hell I was cooking at age 6 lol. Really cooking full meals for us all at 12. She is the voice in my head, still guiding me, she always will be. Mom, I love you, will always love you, thank you so much.
      That is really all I am going to write today, so hug your mothers everyone, they are the reason you are here.  Ciao For Now.

Time To Release The Angst

"And In The End...The Love You Take Is Equal To The Love You Make"
      After all the hoopla with Abercrombie (& Hollister - same company, same rules) bottom line is, it IS his company, he can run it how he wants, and we can choose if we want to give this man our hard earned money. People I am a larger lady, I have always been a larger lady.  I have learned over the years that I am worth something, and have a right to be here. I am annoyed at this man, very much so. I personally think he is an asshat, but that's his right to be one. I voiced my dismay, and now I am letting it go. I have my friends, my family, places I can go to shop that I happily give my money to. So as they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and he won't beholdin' any of my cash any time soon!

About time, right?

      I know I'm not doing this every day, but I'm trying to find a job and I've been hitting the gym. So sorry guys.
      I do have a an agenda though tonight. 3 Words: Abercrombie and Fitch!!! I keep hearing things about the owner of this company. I have said from the start, it's his company and can run it as he pleases but the more I hear, the more I realize he is indeed an ASSHOLE!! He won't hire anyone who is not very attractive, its in his store policy, plus he has no sizes for women over a size 10. His choices yes, but since the most common size is a 14, maybe it's me, but that's not very smart. What amazing amount of revenue he is missing. He doesn't care of course, he want to be "exclusive". Well good luck to him as he is going to need it. Since the whole size issue has caused such a stir, now all kinds of things are coming out about him. He has horrible work environments and managers of divisions are writing articles about how bad things are. He even burns any clothes that do nit meet approval as he refuses to donate them to children's homes or shelters as he has been quoted as saying I don't want those people wearing my clothes. That's horrible. What happened to him, to make him this way?
     Anyway peeps that's it for now. Until next time Ciao For Now

Good Bye And So Long

     Today I got an email from my high school alumni group that the man who was the school priest died. Now we all know that I left the church years back, but the fact that he was a priest does not take anything away from the fact that he was a good man. See religion is not bad, it's the fanatics, but this man was so good with us crazy teenagers. He let us hang out in his office whenever we wanted, he would talk to us about anything. I mean anything. I told him I was drawn to being a witch and he said, well some would call the blessed mother one, she had a child and was still a virgin. He didn't judge anyone. He accepted you for you and that is what made everyone get drawn to him. He had a warped sense of humor too, he was asked if he was a Giants fan and he said no he was a small air conditioner.  This man stood in front of us at graduation, parents and family were there. So he had 800 graduates all sing "Old Man River" so we would always remember to just keep rolling along no matter what life had in store for us. He also told us to always carry 3 cents with us. A sense of humor, a sense of honor and common sense! Pretty good speech. So I say Godspeed Msgr James Cooney, may your journey to Summerland be swift and joyous.
     Well this news put me in a sober mood. The rest of the day put me in a tenacious mood. I am actually going to say goodnight as I am reading a really good book and I want to get to it. LOL so until next time ciao for now

Time To Get This Party Started Hardcore

      It sure as hell is. Feeling good today. I got in my workout, albeit a shorter one, have lots errands to run today, but I don't want to get lazy and not go as often as I want to. I have set a goal of at least 70lbs gone by the time I go to England early next year. I can do it and if I really try I may get even more. Shit what will I look like. A half melted candle? LOL Maybe, but all I know is I'm bringing a empty suitcase to fill with some cool English clothes & shoes. I have also, to the dismay of hubs, cut all carbs out of evening meals except for 3x a week. He then has the choice of potatoes, rice, or grains. I am now back on track for quite some time. I should be almost at my goal but I got lazy. Well I've had some good arse kicking from a few friends and they help by design as well. SO enough about that for now. Today is sharing some recipes that I have made now that are healthy and lower in fat, so here are a couple that we recently had. 

 GARLIC SHRIMP W/BROCCOLI (serves 4 but you can have half pound of shrimp each also lol)
3 cup(s) uncooked broccoli, small florets   

1/4 cup(s) water

1 Tbsp olive oil, extra-virgin, divided

1/3 cup(s) panko breadcrumbs

1/2 tsp lemon zest

1/4 tsp table salt, divided

1 pound(s) uncooked shrimp, large, peeled, deveined

3 clove(s) (large) garlic clove(s), sliced

1/3 cup(s) canned chicken broth    1/8 tsp crushed red pepper flakes    1 Tbsp fresh lemon juice     DIRECTIONS:  Steam broccoli and put aside  - heat 1 teaspoon oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium heat. Add breadcrumbs and cook, stirring often, until lightly toasted, about 2 to 3 minutes. Scrape toasted crumbs into a bowl; stir in lemon zest and 1/8 teaspoon salt.   Heat 1 teaspoon oil in same skillet over medium-high heat; add shrimp and sauté until shrimp turn pink, about 2 minutes. Add garlic; sauté until very light golden, about 1 minute. Stir in broth, pepper flakes and remaining 1/8 teaspoon salt; cook, stirring to loosen bits from bottom of pan, just until shrimp is cooked through, about 1 minute. Remove skillet from heat and add cooked broccoli; toss to mix and coat. Drizzle with lemon juice and remaining teaspoon oil; toss again. Serve shrimp and broccoli sprinkled with toasted breadcrumbs. Yields about 3/4 cup shrimp with broccoli and 4 teaspoon breadcrumbs per serving.  Hawaiian Curried Chicken with Pineapple Salsa (serves 2 or 4) 3 spray(s) cooking spray    2 tsp peanut oil    2 tsp ginger root, finely minced    1 large uncooked onion(s), chopped    1 Tbsp curry powder, mild-variety recommended    1/2 tsp sea salt    1/8 tsp sugar    1 pound(s) uncooked boneless skinless chicken breast(s), cut into 1- to 1 1/2-in chunks    1 cup(s) light coconut milk    2 1/2 cup(s) pineapple, diced 1/4 cup(s) uncooked shallot(s), minced    1/4 cup(s) cilantro, fresh, minced    1/4 cup(s) shredded coconut meat, toasted     Coat a large skillet with cooking spray; set over medium heat. Add oil; heat until oil starts to shimmer. Add ginger and onions; sauté until onions turn translucent and start to caramelize, about 5 to 7 minutes. Add curry powder, salt and sugar; cook, stirring, until curry becomes fragrant, about 1 minute. Push vegetables to side of skillet and sauté chicken until lightly browned, about 1 to 2 minutes. Add coconut milk and reduce heat to low; simmer, partially covered, stirring occasionally, until chicken is done, about 20 to 30 minutes. Meanwhile, to make salsa, combine pineapple, shallots and cilantro; toss well to coat To serve, top chicken with salsa and sprinkle with coconut; sprinkle with salt if desired. Yields about 3/4 cup chicken, rounded 1/3 cup salsa and 2 teaspoons coconut per serving.        So there you have a couple of recipes. The serving sizes are not for a real dinner, I mean a 1/4 pound of shrimp will not fill up my hubs. Shrimp though are good and not bad to eat calorie wise. I've been making more fish and chicken and staying away from red meat. I do love me a juicy hamburger or steak though. LOL   Well peeps got to run and I know you have older blogs to catch up on, LMAO    So Ciao For Now peeps  Until tomorrow then.

Honest Truth Of It

      I have so much weight to lose, and at times for whatever reasons, it just seems so overwhelming. Then I think, boy I'm going to have extra skin, how the hell will that look? It scares me but I know I have to keep at it. So many people have 20, 30 pounds only but when it gets to the 100 point its such a struggle. I wish I had done this when it was only 30 or even 50 pounds to lose. It's hard to keep it fresh, to keep thinking of food to eat so you don't get bored. Exercise does help but I don't want to get obsessed at looking at the scale all the time as that does NOT help. I added a new, and final machine to my circuit work out last night. Its the leg press. Now the thing is most of my machines are set at 30 pounds, my ab crunch is at 50 pounds. I was able to start my leg press at 70 with two 5lb added on, so a total of 80. It makes sense, as where my upper body is weak, my legs are strong since they get a daily workout just carrying me all day. I am going (at least trying to go) every other day. Yesterday I was so not in the mood to go. I had a sinus headache from the pollen that seems to want to turn my black car a weird shade of yellow green. I forced myself to go. Once I got there and got on the treadmill I felt better. Basically I start my routine with the treadmill, 20 minutes at a moderate pace to jump the cardio, then I do the circuit then I go back on the treadmill. Yesterday I only started with the treadmill, I did not finish with it. Tomorrow I will.  I will be adding more cardio as well. I think they next will be the stationary bike. I have one at home so I am used to it. I can not do a recumbent bike as my arms and legs are too short HEHEHE. I will eventually get to the squats and zumba but each step at a time.  So many things to do there. It really is a nice gym.
     I feel like while I'm doing good for myself, I am failing in my relationships. I miss chatting with my friends everyday. When I was working, it was better I think, as my mind and body were busy and it was emails and an occasional call. I am now home, looking for work, hearing and getting rejections via email and even though I am really trying to stay positive, it gets to me. I can't tell anyone really, as who wants to hear it. I hear, I'll call you back, or I'll text you tonight, but it doesn't happen. I can't get upset as I know these people have lives, and I KNOW they have lots going on. (they really do) They care about me and I KNOW that they do on occasion think of me but I have way too much time on my hands. So here I am, typing away, sounding like the worst sad sack ever. But I'm not, it's just, here is where I come to vent out frustrations or tell you whats in my head (scary stuff I know LOL) and as I have said you were warned by the explanation of my blog. So there :-P lmao    
     Had an interview this morning, agency again. Haven't heard much from any of the others so I hold no hope for this one to be any different. BUT I am willing to have them prove me wrong :-)
     So last night was Beltane, and I know I said I would tell you about it. In truth nothing much occurred.  I lit my candle, thought of loved ones, cuddled with hubs. Beltane is the earth wakening ready to be planted. The last of the 3 fertility festivals. Yes very sexual, and when in a group it is practiced sometimes shall we say in the flesh. Im not saying the high priest and priestess "do it" in front of everyone LOL although some may. The groups I was a part of use the more symbolic chalice and athame. Which you can also do as a solitary. It marks the union of the God and Goddess. Beltane translates to "bale fire" so often you can find bonfires dotting countrysides, this is true still in the UK and other parts of Europe. There is also often a maypole. Where young maids dance and weave ribbons around it, again sexual. Why not, sex is part of life, I love sex, who doesn't?  It can get very wild and naughty if your coven allows it.  
Its also a time like in Samhain, (celebrated in October), where the veil between the worlds is thin. So many of us who have lost loved ones can reach out to them.  The fairy queen rides this night and as tradition goes, she may pull you to ride with her if you gaze upon her. Off to the land of the Fay you will go, where a moment there can be a year here :-)   So many folk tales and traditions. Being a Pagan is not like being an unsupervised child though. You can't just run free doing as you please. You answer to your wrongdoings. If you harm one who is not deserving, you yourself will be harmed. You must take responsibility for your actions, no go to confession and then go do whatever you want. You have natures laws to live by. Christians have taken these for their use. But also Judaism has them also. So in fact maybe there is a bit of pagan in everyone. You can't tell us apart from anyone unless were are wearing some sort of jewelry. We don't look different LOL  
     So there you have it, Beltane info, my "kvetching" and time to say, Ciao For Now   Later Peeps

In A Nutshell

It's been busy interviewing this week so I haven't written blogs. My apologies
Tonight is Beltane. A major holiday for me. I am going to my ritual soon. More on that tomorrow BUT in the meantime ....
All is status quo. No job offers yet. Been going to the gym. Had a fabulous visit with my old manager. New ink this coming Saturday. It's been a boring time lol
Hubs is doing better thankfully but it's like wAiting for the disaster. And it works on my nerves. I thought I mailed something overseas and I found it in my car trunk. How do I explain this one. It's hit a child. She must think terrible of me. I don't want her to think I'd forgotten. Well there you have it. The very short version.  Okay I am out. Will explain Beltane more tomorrow. So be well peeps. Ciao for now