Honest Truth Of It

      I have so much weight to lose, and at times for whatever reasons, it just seems so overwhelming. Then I think, boy I'm going to have extra skin, how the hell will that look? It scares me but I know I have to keep at it. So many people have 20, 30 pounds only but when it gets to the 100 point its such a struggle. I wish I had done this when it was only 30 or even 50 pounds to lose. It's hard to keep it fresh, to keep thinking of food to eat so you don't get bored. Exercise does help but I don't want to get obsessed at looking at the scale all the time as that does NOT help. I added a new, and final machine to my circuit work out last night. Its the leg press. Now the thing is most of my machines are set at 30 pounds, my ab crunch is at 50 pounds. I was able to start my leg press at 70 with two 5lb added on, so a total of 80. It makes sense, as where my upper body is weak, my legs are strong since they get a daily workout just carrying me all day. I am going (at least trying to go) every other day. Yesterday I was so not in the mood to go. I had a sinus headache from the pollen that seems to want to turn my black car a weird shade of yellow green. I forced myself to go. Once I got there and got on the treadmill I felt better. Basically I start my routine with the treadmill, 20 minutes at a moderate pace to jump the cardio, then I do the circuit then I go back on the treadmill. Yesterday I only started with the treadmill, I did not finish with it. Tomorrow I will.  I will be adding more cardio as well. I think they next will be the stationary bike. I have one at home so I am used to it. I can not do a recumbent bike as my arms and legs are too short HEHEHE. I will eventually get to the squats and zumba but each step at a time.  So many things to do there. It really is a nice gym.
     I feel like while I'm doing good for myself, I am failing in my relationships. I miss chatting with my friends everyday. When I was working, it was better I think, as my mind and body were busy and it was emails and an occasional call. I am now home, looking for work, hearing and getting rejections via email and even though I am really trying to stay positive, it gets to me. I can't tell anyone really, as who wants to hear it. I hear, I'll call you back, or I'll text you tonight, but it doesn't happen. I can't get upset as I know these people have lives, and I KNOW they have lots going on. (they really do) They care about me and I KNOW that they do on occasion think of me but I have way too much time on my hands. So here I am, typing away, sounding like the worst sad sack ever. But I'm not, it's just, here is where I come to vent out frustrations or tell you whats in my head (scary stuff I know LOL) and as I have said you were warned by the explanation of my blog. So there :-P lmao    
     Had an interview this morning, agency again. Haven't heard much from any of the others so I hold no hope for this one to be any different. BUT I am willing to have them prove me wrong :-)
     So last night was Beltane, and I know I said I would tell you about it. In truth nothing much occurred.  I lit my candle, thought of loved ones, cuddled with hubs. Beltane is the earth wakening ready to be planted. The last of the 3 fertility festivals. Yes very sexual, and when in a group it is practiced sometimes shall we say in the flesh. Im not saying the high priest and priestess "do it" in front of everyone LOL although some may. The groups I was a part of use the more symbolic chalice and athame. Which you can also do as a solitary. It marks the union of the God and Goddess. Beltane translates to "bale fire" so often you can find bonfires dotting countrysides, this is true still in the UK and other parts of Europe. There is also often a maypole. Where young maids dance and weave ribbons around it, again sexual. Why not, sex is part of life, I love sex, who doesn't?  It can get very wild and naughty if your coven allows it.  
Its also a time like in Samhain, (celebrated in October), where the veil between the worlds is thin. So many of us who have lost loved ones can reach out to them.  The fairy queen rides this night and as tradition goes, she may pull you to ride with her if you gaze upon her. Off to the land of the Fay you will go, where a moment there can be a year here :-)   So many folk tales and traditions. Being a Pagan is not like being an unsupervised child though. You can't just run free doing as you please. You answer to your wrongdoings. If you harm one who is not deserving, you yourself will be harmed. You must take responsibility for your actions, no go to confession and then go do whatever you want. You have natures laws to live by. Christians have taken these for their use. But also Judaism has them also. So in fact maybe there is a bit of pagan in everyone. You can't tell us apart from anyone unless were are wearing some sort of jewelry. We don't look different LOL  
     So there you have it, Beltane info, my "kvetching" and time to say, Ciao For Now   Later Peeps