Monday morning 2AM

And so it began, hubs went to bed early since he still has the remnants of the flu that hit him hard last week, but it seems to be leaving him quickly also thankfully. I have the cough and slight chills at night mainly. But I got a flu shot so I'm okay, so is Dad.  Speaking of Dad, he called out about 2 am, so I got up, (we have a baby monitor for just this reason), and found him standing up in his room and he asked me if he could go inside. Inside where??? I explained that we are inside, we're in his room and he was very confused.  So I got him to realize that he's safe and in our home. Also that it's raining out and if he was outside he'd be soaking wet. He needed to use the urinal that we keep on his bedside table, so while he did that, I went and got him a Gatorade Zero (no sugar) to help replenish his liquids. He's not as bad as last time, he knows me, remembers I promised to give him a haircut and shave today but he keeps thinking he's outside for some unknown reason. So fast forward to about 3:30, he's up again, still thinking he's outside, when he realizes he's inside he wants to get up and go into the living room. I explain that he'll be alone out there, so he lays down again. Of course Hubby is up by this time, he comes to dads room. Helps my dad get into bed and tucks him in.  He gave me a huge hug and kiss and a look that says I'm so sorry, so I nod then he squeezed by boob. He makes me laugh. I'm reading my book and here we are at 4:15 am, Dads up yet again, I need to call the doctor in the morning to see if I can get a gentle sleeping pill to make him drowsy, nothing strong. Again we go over the fact he's already in the house. That he's safe and that he's loved. He keeps apologizing for keeping me up. Sigh, I settle back and hubs comes in with a cup of tea. God I do love that man! I am worried about my dad, I really wish I could see inside his mind. I mean, I can cook for him, keep him warm, clean and talk with him, listen to music and play name that tune with him, but when he leaves and goes into his own little space I don't know what to do. First time it happened I freaked out, now I'm much calmer. Meaning I don't raise my voice with worry, I keep my voice steady and low. I know what to ask to gauge the extent of his disconnect. Right now, thankfully he's 98% here. He knows me, knows hubs, just that teeny part that's not comprehending his being in the house.  Ugh, I can hear hubs coughing, poor dear, he needs to get up in an hour to go to work. He barely got any sleep tonight. I'm able to nap if need be later today, although I'll be watching my dad like a hawk. I know this is my life now, I know I don't want my dad in a nursing home, but I'm afraid if his mind goes it may come to that. That scares the shit out of me, how will I know if he's okay, what if he gets scared? They won't sit in his room with him all night making sure he knows he's not alone. I know it's selfish but if it looks like it will come to that, I'm going to pray real hard that he pass to go be with my mom again. He deserves peace, not turmoil. Oh man hubs is coughing up a storm. I swear I don't know if I'm coming or going sometimes between them. Here's little ole me in the middle just trying to get a handle on what life has become.
Weird blog I know, nothing cute nothing funny, just my night in a nutshell. I just needed to get it off my chest. Well it's now 5:06 am and I promise a more upbeat and groovy blog next time. And until then, ciao for now