Well how do peeps it's been a while? I almost logged in on Saturday as good things happened but I figured I'd keep it for tonight and dammit to hell if I forgot how I wanted to post it. LOL I think the bleach is seeping into my brain (Now thinking Monty Python - My brain hurts! haha)
My weekdays off were spent cleaning and then trying to find clothes that I liked. The former got done the latter not so much. I am between sizes and that sucks, so my choice is buy something too small and look like an overstuffed sausage or buy something loose that will be too big in a few months. So I'm waiting for the 4th of July sales in a few weeks to see whats available.
These past few weeks for me have kind of made me feel a little a failure. I have been to the gym only a handful of times and have been eating crap. So of course I can see it in my face, I've put weight back on. Remember I was going to get on the scale today to see how much, and well I did and its close to 9 pounds!! Holy shit!! But it proves how bad I've been and I admit that I am embarrassed by it. Still last Monday at work a woman who hadn't seen me in a long time (she works on another floor) told me that I've lost so much weight so at least it's still noticeable. How shallow does that sound? Look my weight is not linked to how I think I look. That's a totally separate issue but it IS connected to my health and that's whats important. After the realization that I can't help those I love if they don't want to be helped I am now saying fuck it!! I am putting me first again. I need to be my top priority! I hate how selfish that sounds and its not my nature but it must be done. I was able to get to Target and buy some new work out clothes, I mean its one thing to be comfortable when working out and another to look like a slob! They are by Champion and yes they are not the Adidas ones I was looking at but since they will grow too big on me I couldn't see spending the cash on expensive work out clothes just yet. I do love my Sketchers though although I feel a bit like Herman Munster in them as they are so high and curved LOL I literally bounce walk in them and you really can feel the pull when you wear them. Plus I got them on Ebay for $40.00 so they were priced right. Listen to me being all money conscious, it's almost comical. Especially since I just got a new laptop (on sale really great price).
I put a post on another blog of mine in regards to two people being trained in the same job where the larger lady had experience but was treated horribly over the "normal" sexy young lady who had NO experience. I in no way am belittling anyone, but some facts just are what they are. Being fat more times than not is cause for discrimination. I found out that this happened to me personally and you know what? It hurt A LOT!! I'm not talking plump, I'm talking about when you lose 50 pounds and realize you still have at least 75 more to go. It fucking sucks, it's hard to do (case in point my recent faltering) and it's easy to get very discouraged, especially when by no one else's ideas but your own you start to feel inferior. I get scared and then I think why the fuck bother. Then I leave my pity party and continue on. It will always be this way and no one knows my mind but me as there are thoughts I even feel embarrassed to discuss here, even though I have the anonymity of the blog, it's painful and I don't want to anyone to think I'm asking for pity. It's so funny, last night I was just out and although everything at home is fine I was just feeling antsy and I wanted an ice cream cone from McDonalds. They are low in points on weight watchers. I don't follow weight watchers but that was the excuse I gave myself and all the way there I kept vacillating should I get it or not. Well I decide yes (I know I know) and I go to order it only to find that their machines are broken, no ice cream or shakes available. I drove off quietly laughing to myself. The powers that be decided it for me and yes I could have gone to another one but I didn't. I thought real hard and realized I didn't want one and it was just filling a void I had at that moment. So I drove off smiling and thanking my Goddess for putting that out in front of me. I felt like I got a shove in the right direction from the universe itself. I realize that sounds so trippy but I stand by that and yes I believe in things like that also. I am an odd duck but I'm worth knowing.
You know I also want to make a promise to myself right now that you are witnesses to. I promise that even though I will falter I will never give up, I will push through and do what I must do. The end result will only benefit myself and therefore benefit those I care about. That is a win/win in my book. So there ya have it peeps. I'm signing off now and will be back tomorrow, so as always I say Ciao For Now!
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