I Still Look At The Stars And Make Wishes

     I really do still look up to the sky, and marvel at the vastness. I try to gather hope, and believe good things will come. It's getting harder and harder. I never begrudge anyone good news, or good things happening for them. That's not a good thing. Plus it's not who I am. I just really wish I knew how to bring some of it to me. I am not lazy, I go to work every day, I work all the overtime I can, and yet I can't get my head above water. I am writing this down just so I don't freak out. I have to get this out of my system. I'm not doing this for pity, or any other reason. I'm so frustrated. Weird thoughts go through my head. I got paid on Friday, thank heavens as the mortgage hit too. So bye bye check PLUS a little more. I'm trying to work at least 10 hours OT each week so at least this should not be an issue. It's the electric, car insurance, HOA fees that make it a bit of hell for now. I was able to hold off my car payment for 2 months but it's back this month. Ford is awesome this way, thank you guys. But I'm not pushing it. Part of me was thinking of selling it back, unfortunately it now has a dent in it. Plus as hubs said, I need it for work.  Hubs had an interview that he believes went well, but with the bad weather the man he was supposed to hear from was out of the office when he called on Friday. So fingers crossed for next week. I'm hoping that we are getting tax money back this year again. If we have to pay, we can't, so will have to make arrangements. It's okay they will do that. Yay Uncle Sam.
     Again I'm sorry to vent on here
     So yes I still look at the stars and pray. I pray the Goddess hears me and sends me the information and guides my path to get some relief. I'm looking for a second job. You got to do what you have to do. It's getting critical, I never thought it would ever be like this.
      I will still laugh and smile when I speak to those I love. My Facebook page will have cute pics or funny thoughts. It helps me believe it's going to be fine. It will be, it has to be. I do truly believe it will. I just wish it would get a move on. Hubs is putting out resumes every day. I admit I cry at night often. I ask for nothing but what my effort will bring me. I do though, welcome good wishes and thoughts. Most appreciated. Thank you for letting me have my little breakdown. It won't happen again.

Man It Snowed Alright

     So it's night 2 in the hotel (motel). Seriously, I look around and all I can envision is a motel where you go to get away, on the lam. Hide from others, change your hair , well you get the idea lmao. Did I write this already? And the kicker is the heat is barely working. Holy hell.
     Well we got quite a bit of snow.  About 8 ".  Thankfully Paulo helped me clean my car off. I can't reach the middle of my roof. I'm too short.
      Okay Rob just stopped in, we said we'd hang a bit. I'll be back or maybe in the morning.  I'm  not staying up to late. Want to get in early in the morning.   So ciao for now.
      So next enters Paulo.  So room is freezing and Paulo sees the air conditioning unit by the window. Suggests maybe wall thermostat does not control the temperature.  Well duh. He's right. So. Now room is toasty warm. Rest of group sans 2 come in so the 5 of us just hang out.  Fun to hang and chat with work people on a non work basis. So they all leave by half 11. Jackie is bunking with. me. She's a new temp and if she doesn't work she doesn't get paid plus she says she wants to work.  Good girl.
Coming in to the hotel tonight I had to drive into a non plowed spot.  My car ( a 2014 Ford Fiesta) got in, over the little hump the plow made then settled nicely into the spot.  I went forward and back to make imprints so getting out in the am will be easier.  Don't tell me Fords suck. I love my car. She is great in snow.  So not really much else. So I will now leave you again.  I hope you all have a funky weekend. Ciao for now

Snow Team is now

    First part of this. So it's just after 7 and we are all meeting up for dinner. Then we are going back to the hotel for drinks. Not sure who's room we will end up in. Lol it's hard to believe that in 24 hours time there may be a foot of snow on the ground.  If this happens I will be staying st the hotel for another night. I don't mind it, but I miss my hubs. At least like I said in the other blog - I'm not using my vacation.  So off to dins and throwing caution to the wind and some Kracken over ice with some coke.   Will be back later
     Well, change of plans. No rum,  but hubs surprised me at the hotel with wine. I was so happy to see him. The room is meh. I would not pick this place but I had no choice. I really don't want to stay another night but I think I'm going to have to. I made a deal to do this and I keep my word. Well I set my alarm early so I'm going to close soon. I just want to say that today some people made me shake my head, I wonder why people lie sometimes? Any ideas? I'd be curious to know. Well until next time, ciao for now.

What A morning And Its Not Stopping

     So I get into work today, all bright eyed and bushy tailed as the saying goes and bam!! No phones. There is something wrong that is not allowing us to log in. So we've been doing emails all day. Choonz in my ears all morning, and then just now we got out of a 2 hour meeting. One of the many that are in regard to the new operating HR software we will be using.  I like it much better. Not that that matters in any grand scheme.
     So we get called into another little meeting to announce that they are Doug a snow team Wednesday night into Thursday as it looks like we are headed for a possible large storm. So I said I'd help. Hey I'm Beijing put up in a hotel with an expense form instead of using a vacation day if I can't get in. I'll take that deal.
     Oh as for my curfuflle with that gift. I asked my friends other daughter to try and find out for me. So should work out okay. Until tomorrow night peeps. Ciao for now

I Got Nothing Really

     Tonight my mind is not into my blog. I took my shower and I just want to brush my teeth and go to bed. I have things I have to get. I also need to find my link for my friend's daughters birthday. I bookmarked it and now it's gone. It's not on her FB page anymore either. I MUST find this. It was only able to be shipped to her home so I figured I'd wait until it was closer. Now I'm fooked. I may have to somehow find out again what it's called. I have the wrong name. It's what she wanted. Darn it darn it. I will find this. I should have ordered it when I originally said I would but it was way too early. Not happy
     More winter weather tomorrow too, unreal. Ah well. Bed now. Catch you all tomorrow. Ciao For Now

So Done With Winter

     Seriously. Hubs and I were planning a drive up to the mountains today. This was halted by the sleet we had today. I enjoy the winter. Okay not the scraping ice off my car windows, and shoveling snow part. But yes to snowball fights, snowmen and snow angels. Just the beauty of it, glistening in the sun and moon. But enough is enough! I'm ready for Spring. It's lighter in the evenings now, it's time for the plants and trees to start budding and plants seeds to take root and blossom. I love Spring days when you hang your laundry out to dry. It smells so fresh and feels warm from the sun. Love it. My two favorite seasons are transitional. Autumn and Spring. They are moderate, not extreme. Kind of like me I rather think. I can be extreme occasionally but I'm pretty easy going. :-)
     Well I know the week begins but I took off this Monday. I carried over 3 days of vacation that must be used by the 3rd of April. We are getting new operation systems, so I really can't take any days soon. Figured tomorrow (today) was best. Actually looking to maybe get a few things done. We shall see what the roads are like.
     As the weather was not great, I window shopped online. Did pick up a few foot spa type items. A pumice stone, really good foot cream.  I need a pedicure but will at least keep my feet nice.  Ugh my feet were terrible a few years ago. But with scrubbing and exfoliating they finally got nice enough to wear sandals. They are really nice now. Better than ever before, nice and smooth. As pretty as feet can be. Lol. Now to get a nice spring color to brighten them up.
     I'll be back later, got a few thoughts rattling around. Ciao for now.

1AM

Feeling restless. Just popping in. Should be asleep. Not tired. Off Monday yay. Come say hi. Leave a comment when you see this. Lol ciao for now

That Damn Dress

     I'm sure by now, most of you, if not all of you, have seen the dress that people are arguing over what color it is. Hubs saw blue and black, I saw lighter blue and gold. Lots see white and gold. Apparently it's an experiment to see how people view colors. They changed the R,B,G settings. When you see what they did, they put all three exposures side by side, you can clearly see they photoshopped the image. I think it's interesting how we perceive things so different sometimes from another person. I could go all existential and say it's our own personalities, changing our views from the inside. It's pure science folks. We do perceive things differently many times and it's normal.  One thing I think we can all agree about this dress is - that it's butt ugly!!!! Best tweet I've seen on this was one from " Helen Keller". It said, dress looks black to me IDK.   Hahahahahahahahaha. (So wrong but admit it you just LOL at that )
     Decent work day. Snowing this morning made for late work start, always nice not to rush, so was able to get all set up but half 9 and do emails. My trainee didn't show up so I had my desk to myself, until the last 2 hours when I took another trainee from a gal who was leaving for the night.  Oh man. This one guy call all angry and demands to speak with the VP of human resources. He says her name is Linda, and I can google my company for her last name. Pardon? No, YOU Google it and tell me. He goes on a rant and I tell him I can help him. In 3 minutes I send him an email with a step by step guide how to get his online yearly tax statement.  Yep that's what he wanted. That was all, not a big deal.  I have no value why people want to scream at you girl 10 minutes, when once he actually said what his issue was, I got him his information in a matter of minutes. I'm so calm and collected a person, it baffles me.  (Almost couldn't write that, was laughing too hard) I can get freaked out, I admit it. I don't yell at strangers though. Only those I care about, do I get a tad mental at times. ;-D
     I got home tonight and my friend says to check his son out on his Facebook page. So I look and OMFG,  I was in awe of how he was dancing, the moves were outstanding. I was actually mesmerized watching. I watched it like 10x. So fookin good. I posted it on my page to share. He is outstanding. Any of you who know me check my Facebook page, he's there.
     Well almost the witching hour so I'm going to fly [snort] so as always, Ciao For Now

Ah My Bed Feels So Good

     Worked overtime tonight, ate dinner at work. I'm trying not to eat too late during the week, so food doesn't sit overnight in my tummy.  Lol when I get out at 6 it's fine but I worked until 8 and I wasn't about to go home and prepare a meal to eat at 9. It's half 10 and I'm all snugly, ready for sleep. I took a bubble bath and washed my hair. So of course, I blow dry my hair and it falls great. I will not have this look in the morning. Lol will get out the straightening iron. My bangs, or fringe, if you will. Is starting to grow out and the cut is getting closer to what I like. My, vanity, thy name is round chick! Lol
      I'm hoping to have good news tomorrow evening, I will let you know. I also sent my resume out to a few recruiters today. Never know, just dangling my line in the water, but someone may take a bite. I'd love more money. Gee, no one has ever said that before.  :-D
      I'm working on a card for my friends daughter, her birthday is coming up. She has seemed to grow up about 5 years in a few month. She is coming into her own, as us girls do. Yet another beautiful young lady in that family. Such gorgeous youngins.
     Well peeps, boring tonight. Calm bunny here :-) so until next time. Ciao For Now.

Question

  Why is it so funny to make fun of fat people?  I really am curious. I see it all over, and I'm really wanting to know. I see it all the time, calling us lazy, stupid and smelly? Really, smelly? You sniff every fat person? Let's address that first. Being fat, the majority of fat people, probably smell better than many thin people. Especially as a female, I am very aware of how I smell. I shower, use deodorant, shave my accepted body hair. Wear perfumes or body sprays. So I don't think I stink. If I'm doing something that ends in this result, I shower. I have stood next to some very stinky skinny people. So don't judge me.

Next stupid? How the fuck does your size determine if you are intelligent? Not even going into it, as it's too stupid to waste time. (See what I did there? Lol) so don't judge me! 

Lastly, lazy. Now maybe I'm not out running marathons (maybe one day......little ones {grin}) but I'm not lazy. I clean my home, I go to work, I'm carrying the load right now. I go to the mall, go to the gym. Okay not enough as I should I admit. I'd like to go cycling when the weather is nicer, play some disc golf with hubs in the sun. But I'm not lazy, so don't judge me! 

I am human like everyone of you. With so much in this world to fear, want to change, to help. Why degrade yourself by foolishly labeling me and others like me. Walk in my shoes, look through my eyes, feel what's in my heart. I PROMISE you will feel things you never imagined. You will see how strong I really fucking am. So sit on your thrones and look down on me. Then watch as I surpass every limit you foolishly put on me. I am me, love me or don't

So please answer my question, I posed at the start of this blog. I really want to know. 

Ciao for now. 

     

Speaking of Blessed I Must Also Mention

I can't forget my friends in England. I have known my friend for just about 7 years. Over this time, I've been treated to so many wonderful things when we would meet in NY. He would not think twice about spending on me.  I am not used to this, when I went overseas everyone there was the same. His family whom I grew to know through photos and Skype, were nothing short of wonderful. Opening their home to me. TAKING ME TO PARIS!! I didn't pay for any of it. Take about amazing.  So I am truly blessed to have these people in my life. My sister wants to help me again. I can't, I can't stop anyone but I don't deserve thus. I will do what I can for any of these people. I love them and would defend them to the end. My sis and my friend, well I would do anything in my power to take any hurt they feel away. I truly would trade my life for theirs. Not too dramatic right? Lol

I was in NY with dad, was so good to be back home. I love the old coot. Hehe, I mean that sweetly. He's my dad, I love him. Went out with sis Saturday night. Getting ready to go out. I finish blow drying my hair and it's snowing like mad. Great. Well we didn't let the snow bother us. We went to an Irish restaurant / pub. Each having it's own side. Excellent choice ( thank you Yelp). Had a pint, I went light due to the snow. Good laughs, great waitress. Meet some people as we were leaving, that started up a conversation. Add on 10 minutes to our departure lmao.  It was coming down by the time we left. Dropped sis off and she gave me a bag with some sweaters she was giving away to donate. Guess who now has 6 new sweaters. Hehehe
My dad had me laughing this morning. He asked if would drive him to church since it was nasty out, still snowy on the ground. Of corse I will. So he said he usually walks since he has his rubbers. 'scuse me? I know what he meant and I said, you know what those are used to refer to? He laughed said yes. He came downstairs in a black suit with a grey turtleneck. He asked how he looked. I looked and told him, he looked like a minister. Lol. He loves getting spiffed up for those church ladies.
Coming home was so much better than I imagined. Roads were brilliant. Dry roads, no traffic, made for outstanding time. Had some kebabs, now just relaxing before the Oscars. I like the host, Neil Patrick Harris. So not too much right now. Hope all had a great weekend. Ciao For Now

I'm back.

     to being blonde again. Lol I feel better. My hairdresser helped me trim up all the chopped areas, unfortunately not much she could do about the bangs but they will grow out. But the color is so much better. She also did not charge me at all. I was gobsmacked! Such kindness, I'm blessed. My sister did the same for me before I went to England. I need to remember these things before I go all mental. I am beyond humbled.
     I'm going to bed early tonight, I mean by 11:30. Going to take off my make up. Get relaxed, have a cuppa.  So ciao for now, until tomorrow

Gimme a Head With Hair

Well I'll be happy with a head of hair with a shape to it. Lots of highlights & lowlights. Oh peeps I fucked up, not so much with the color but the cut. Ick. It looked decent the first day but it's growing out - well - not good. Luckily my hairdresser knows my ditch and she is going easy on me. I'll post a before and after pic so you can see.
     So we got snow, about 6". Not terrible, a friend at work got 10. It depended where you live some more coming and tomorrow us a high temp of 14. Low will be -4. Brrrr. I love snow and winter but please Ostara, hurry up and come.
     Not much tonight peeps, heading to bed. More tomorrow night.  Ciao For Now x

im happy/ I'm sad. My blog my feelings

It's about 2 am. These are my thoughts. We all have things we are going through I wish I could help my friends but I can't even seem to help me  Finny that .

There comes a point in time when:
You feel like a dog abandoned by its owners and you can't understand why
You keep hearing it will get better but you can't see how
You work so hard but are still buried in a hole
You're almost glad you're not seeing anyone 'cause you've let yourself go
You feel you've become less than you've ever been
You want to scream so loud but who cares
You wake up in the middle of the night filled with fear
You feel unloveable
You try to smile but the tears come
You want others to realize how much they matter but you you say nothing in fear that you're labeled as weak
You just wish that no one you know ever feels like this
You wish you had an honest laugh inside you
You wish your heart were colder then get scared its happening
You're sorry you're depressing to those around around you
You are hopefull it changes soon and you find yourself again.

Shimmering Snow

    I'm sitting at the window watching the snow fall.  I'm so thankful we have heat again, or I would not be appreciating this silent snow. It's been steady, and it's starting to pick up. We went out before to get kababs and I just love how this kind of snow shines when light hits it. You can see how it glistens, each snowflake, the perfect crystal shimmering in the dark. It just makes me catch my breath and just stare at the simple beauty. You see I love fine things, good restaurants , fine dining, high end wines and drinks. I love the feel of soft leather, good fabrics, but my world comes in contact with these things in rare occurrences. So when this happens I latch on to it and those that allow me that beauty.  This snow though, speaks just as much to me. I love that my room in NY allows me a full moon view. I lie in bed, bathed in the moonlight, looking out at the sky.  This is what reaffirms my calling to the earth. To my beliefs. It's right.  Just thoughts in my head   More tomorrow. Peace out. Ciao For Now

Marriage Thoughts feel free to Jump In

     I assume most of you have heard the phrase "razors edge". Being wed is kind of like that. Watching the play Company on YouTube. Sondheim, I like him, less pretty than Webber, in my opinion. Enjoy them both though. Sondheim seems to write about human nature a bit more raw. In company, Bobby is so unsure of marriage, should he? Pros and cons.  I've had this conversation with a friend of mine. She is married, for years now, 2 beautiful children, and her usual day to day life. Theater is a relief we both share. We have spent weekends surviving on vodka and pizza whilst we pondered the question of did we choose right, did we settle, do we still care? We've both had sections of life  where we went off our "set out" courses. It settled my questions, her not as much. In the Spring we plan on meeting for a weekend to have a talk, get drunk, she said she has a lot to say, too much for emails or phones. So be it. I will be there.   I have learned over the years, that you have a roller coaster life. Thrills, anticipation, lows, highs, scares, unsure for a moment, just do it and see what happens. Yep a roller coaster, and if you don't get sick, you keep riding. That's the good part. But sometimes you want to get off the ride. And then, as you walk away, you look back and see it's not that crazy from a distance. As long as you're not the one riding the ride. So you don't wait in cue anymore to ride.  You go around the amusement park looking fir other rides, they are awesome, fun, exciting, and yet you find yourself looking back at that damn coaster.
     What is it with humans? We want someone so bad, to the point we actually allow a part of us to change for someone. Then as the years go by, we find that we don't want to make allowances anymore. Are we no longer in love? Or rather, do we no longer want to suppress a part of ourselves any longer? If that's it then, who's to blame, us or them? I think we don't fall out of love, if someone has gotten to us enough that we want to make them happy we just lessen the level of love. Even if we've been wronged, hurt deeply, we still don't want them harmed. If we want harm come to them well then we gave to think? Was it true love? Or was I just stupid at the time? If it's the latter then we need to let it go, fir our own sanity. But the pain stats there, even that they may cross our minds occasionally.  You know the saying, everyone you meet has something to leave us with. I believe that. I've been fortunate overall, I've been very hurt too.  So I'm like the majority of people I suppose.
     In the end, reading through this blog, it's obvious, I have no fucking clue of any kind of answer, and really am no help. I will though still meet up with my friend in the Spring, even if I have no answers, there is always vodka and pizza. Lol
      Ciao For Now.

So Valentines Is Over Thoughts of the day

Did some OT. Found that Rob at work sleeps naked , it came out in a conversation. Brought home burgers for dinner.  Hugs and tv tonight. Hubby and I have hope. I have hope. I drooled over meals I saw on Facebook. Wanted to call my friends to wish them happy Valentine's but didn't think it would go over so I didnt.  Saw that they made a parody play for shades of gray.  Looks hilarious.  Want to see shades of grey.  Curious.  Liked the books. I like naughty play but wondering how the hell it will be good without x rating. House is heated again. Very thankful hubs fixed it. If his back was good. I'd have had a brand new kitchen years ago. Would like to do more OT but not sure. Off on Monday. Yay  enjoyed nice cup of tea, my usual. Need to ask my friend again about being my tea connection lol. Can't wait to get to NY. Snow tonight. Not much though.  Need clothes. Looking to see cash for the week as payday is Friday.  Do that's a bit of my minds thoughts.  Lmao. Ciao for now.

Fuck It's Cold

    Shit, damn, twat waddle, it's cold. Sweat pants, sweat shirt, socks, 2 blankets.  I usually sleep naked at home! And OT tomorrow.  Will be warm at least. Lol.
    HAPPY VALENTINES DAY to those them thar I dun love.  Hehe.  Ciao For Now.

Really? {Crazy laughter}

    Okay, I've come to terms with life throws curveballs, I'm truly working on keeping a smile. I'm okay, yesterday sucked but today was okay. So hubby picked me up after work, and he was a bit quiet. I asked what's wrong? He said I'll let you know when I know when I'm sure. So I tell him, tell me, we are in this together.  So he says the heat seems to have gone out, or on the way of going out.  So we get home, long story short, I'm wearing a sweat top and pants. Socks on, so yeah we have no heat at the moment. I refuse to cry, I'm actually fine. I'm warm enough. Hubs thinks it's the thermostat. He will check in the morning, if not then he thinks it may be the coil. Hopefully it's the thermostat, sigh. What ya gonna do, I'm tired of crying, of bitching. I want to believe it will all get sorted. It will in time.
     Not really much going on, just enjoying a hot tea. Catching up on Downton Abbey. The cat is curled up next to me. Cuddling against me, personally I think she's stealing heat from me.  And she's snoring, LMAO!!   I'm off peeps, so ciao for now.

Was Home Today

     Years ago, in my teens, I was told I have colitis, so when I get very upset, it hits.  I've been lucky, over the years I've had fewer and fewer bouts. Last night and today, well I was not good. Along with the fact the muscles in my body decided to make it feel like I was being hugged by The Hulk. So needless to say, I'm home.  It's stress, I see it. My face looks tired, bags under my eyes that would make Louis Vuitton envious. I posted that I'm doing better and I am, truly, BUT yesterday I crashed and burned so bad. I angered a dear friend, which kills me, I snapped at a co worker, who being as sweet as she is, hugged me and said it will get better. I want to forget yesterday, but it happens. Well since I've been in bed most of the morning, due to sleepy meds just for these times, I had the weirdest dreams.
     Having a cup of tea, not asking for forgiveness, if people truly care and love you, as they say they do, they will understand eventually. That's what I'm hoping anyway, I'm going through a really bad patch, I know I'm better off than many, but yet when it's you it's happening to, it's not always easy to appreciate that as one should. If I was flush, I'd be helping everyone. So my dears, I'm out. Be back soon    Ciao For Now