Sometimes It's just fuckin' hard!!!!!!!!!!

     Today is one of those days. I'm not talking about work being hard or there being too much traffic! I'm talking about trying to fight the hardest opponent you ever can fight....YOURSELF! It's the eternal battle of angel on one shoulder and devil on the other, except this time,  neither makes sense and neither is good for you. You just have to fight your demons and mine come in the form of food. Food I shouldn't have.  I won't have! But damn if it's all encompassing, your thoughts drift to the places you pass on the way home, filled with carbs and sugar and delicious things like pizza and garlic bread, fries and cookies. I really am not tempted by the candy near my desk but the folks here (all young & thin) are going to Chipotle tonight for dinner. Lovely place with burrito bowls filled with barbacoa & rice and salsa and guacamole and cheese and beans , sour cream.....I just am feeling weak right now - I am having a fat day which is making me more upset. Yes even fat people have fat days, we feel even more fat, that gravity is working overtime. I'm not sure why, it started last night. The same way I couldn't eat yesterday; I couldn't sleep last night.  2AM, 3AM, 5AM finally getting up to start the day. Having  a good hair day too and make up looks decent but I feel bloated. I argue with myself, like last night I was laying in bed and trying to see where I have lost some.  Yet today I feel like I haven't lost an ounce and then that makes me feel like why bother and I really have to push myself to stay on track.  "No one said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it" that's the saying right?   My rational mind knows of course it's right but that one small part of my brain the "Gimmie" part wants to give in. I will not give in, the weakest I was today was that for my snack I had a a half cup of plain oatmeal, which I'm not supposed to have until Sunday when I go on Phase 2. I know I'm a rebel!   I just feel empty, and yes I see the irony in that statement!!  This is helping, writing it out. I don't expect you to understand me, god knows I have a hard time doing that myself but GOD IT'S FUCKING SO DAMN HARD!!!  I want to give in but NO NO NO it's to the point where my eyes are tearing up.  I realize that by now you think I am a total nutter and should be committed, but I'm not. Even when I was "bad" over the holidays I wasn't "bad"  just not as careful as I should have been. Which is why I didn't gain 15 pounds back  but really it's been just over 6 months since I've had a french fry or anything greasy and gooey and yummy.  I am not going to falter to gain back the weight I have worked so hard to lose, that would be pure destruction.
   
Thing is as I'm writing,  my urges are calming slightly, I need to focus elsewhere. I eat to live NOT live to eat! I will get through this day and tomorrow will be better. I'm a stubborn biatch.....mind is set and will not falter!! Thank you guys. It's been a really tough month and I've had a few meltdowns but this is the first I really felt like eating bad!! It won't be the last I'm sure.  I am ready for the others........I will win the fight with myself and emerge the better me!!  (I'm speaking more to me now than yu LOL)

Have a fabulous weekend and catch you all Sunday night or early Monday morn.
As always, ciao for now.