Sometimes It Just Hits You

     We all have our demons, for me it's weight and fitness, others drug, gambling, etc, The list goes on and on but today we talk fitness. As you know I have been emailing a lovely woman named JoAnn who has much weight to lose.  Well long story short my last few emails were unanswered and then today I got one from her. She was in the hospital not becasue she was ill but because she tried to off herself. She wrote me that it was so hard for her to not eat the "bad" stuff and that was the only thing that gave her any comfort. She was at the end of her rope she said. I cried when I read her email. She told me from the start she was going to kill herself as she didn't want to live like this, but was going to try this diet (South Beach) as her last effort. Seems that she couldn't keep on track , now I know she lost some weight and was so happy. I can only surmise she maybe didnt lose anything new or gained a few pounds back and just gave up. I was in agony reading this I wanted to get in my car and drive to NJ to hug her and let her know she is not alone and that she matters!!! I'm getting a little teary writing this blog now too.  I quickly wrote her a long email back giving her my phone number again and told her to call me please then I proceeded to tell her all my weight stories. Like waiting online only to be turned away at a roller coaster because the bar wouldn't go down right. Things like that and then I also told her about good things, my theater I did and that my friends accept me for me. I don't know what it is that makes people want to end their lives. I have felt so alone and depressed over the years but I didn't want to end my life. Oh I HATED it sometimes, I talked to counslers, read books but ultimately I like life and believe we make our lives by doing the best we can and trying the hardest we can. Also believing in what you are doing helps more than anything I find for myself. 
     I hope she reads the email and I hope she calls me. Those of you who know me well know that I hate anyone in pain, or having problems. I want to save the world. Right now I'm just working on saving me. LOL  JoAnn needs to find it in her heart to realize she is worth saving and I wrote her this. She may have lost 10, 15 or whatever pounds and it seems like so little I'm sure but I wrote that any weight she lost is that much less she has to lose. I was writing to her but I also know that part of me was re-affirming it to myself.  I will pray for her and if I don't get a reply I will email her again. I want her to know that just because we haven't met in person doesn't mean that I don't care. That I am there for her should she need someone to talk with. I understand being overweight, I understand limitations, I understand being made fun of and I HATE ALL OF IT BUT...it can be overcome, and she is able to do this.   I also let her know that for my hubby's birthday we had Cheescake Factory and I ate a half a cuban sandwich (SOOO GOOD LOL) and had a slice of pina colada cheesecake!  Now no where is that South Beach friendly but it was a special occasion so I allowed it and know what?  My body was like ...Um no  I don't think so!!  I got so sick. I had been sick all day Friday due to other reasons and I suppose it was a lot to eat Saturday but well, all I will say is I will never understand bulemia. Why would you want to get sick, I can't stand it!!
The one last thing I told her was that one day I had to go check on a friend of mine no one had heard from and sure enough when I got to the apartment I found him slumped on the bed blood all over. I called him then actually shook him and thank heavens he was alive. I got him cleaned up, made tea and we talked. I let her know that he also was at the "end of his rope' as she had said but he was grateful that his atempt failed. We cried together and he kept apologizing and I told him there is nothing to be sorry for.  I said in the email that I was sure she was glad she didn't succeed and that her friends, her real friends and family will be very glad. I don't know;  I guess sometimes we get so caught up in our troubles that we feel unloved or unwanted by those we care about and know, but we need to take a step back on occasion and look at things clearly (if that's possible) . Life is not always easy but it can be so much fun. Like I said I will keep at JoAnn and let her know this and pray that she gets in a better frame of mind. It is definately going to be hard, I am sure it will not always be perfect  but it's life. Carbs no carbs, sweets no sweets it is not looking at the wrongs but realizing the next day is a new start each time.  Yep very sobering email and blog too I guess.  Love you my friends , until next time..ciao!!