In The Still Of The Night

      I know another song title. Lol didn't plan it but it's almost 1am & I should be asleep. Not tired although I'm sure I will be asleep soon after I'm done here. I just feel compelled to spill my heart out. Or my guts, whichever is messy. Lol
     I was talking with an old friend yesterday, my oldest friend. Met him when I was about 18 months old and he was almost 5. Mike is the brother I never had. Sure we dated when I hit the late teen years, fogged up many a car window at Alley Pond Park but  we are much better friends. We haven't seen each other in a few years but we caught up on the phone. I never realized he laughs just like my dad does. A Queens NY laugh maybe? Lol  Speaking with him brought usual nostalgia but tonight I'm thinking back on more like the last 10 years or so. I met my hubby when I was at my heaviest, I lost weight before my wedding and my gown still had to be let out. Largest size David's Bridal carried. Today it's so big on me but I digress. Like I said I lost weight but after getting married, my mom got I'll and I didn't care about me, just work and came home. Enjoyed making and eating full big meals for my husband (still do but smarter choices now -usually lol) so I gained wright again, more after mom passed away. Not sure why, guilt of not being a better daughter, anger at her leaving, fear she wouldn't be there to help me. Got upset I couldn't conceive but that's a different tale. Anyway----I didn't see the scale moving up. And up it went. Dear friends I will be blunt. I got huge. I made the scale say ouch. I know it. I wasn't happy but dud nothing about it. Hubs loved me.  We moved and I hot worse. Hated being here, no one around to hang out with. But slowly I hot a job and met people. Got better but still not watching my weight. Then one day around 2005, when I was at my lowest. I decided enough was enough.  Talked life through with hubs, he still loved me and I him, so all good there. Had a new job, better than old one, good there too. Then stepped on the scale and almost died. I broke into tears. It said, gulp, over 300 pounds! And I don't mean 3 pounds over, I mean over. At 5feet tall I was a sphere. So I started to lose weight. For some time now I've list weight and gained some back alwAys centering around that 300 mark . Tonight I'm thinking of me at my heaviest and me now. I always wanted to lose100 pounds, as of tonight when I weighed in I have. I'm surprised, happy and embarrassed by this. Looking at me you would tell me I need to lose another 100 pounds. You would be right if I wNted to weigh under what I should but I do still need to lies another 60 or so. I'm ashamed at myself that I didn't do this sooner and also that I weaken at sweets and carbs. These delicious evils make be out of breath when I walk, and does not allow me to ride roller coasters. I'm better on walking not where I wNted to be but better. Roller coasters are a hope for next season. I have been blessed by friends who loom past my outer shell.
      Now I've 2 weeks to go before I get my ass on a plane. It's been 12 years since I've flown, I have no idea how I will fit. I'm not looking forward to the look I'm going to get from the passengers next to me. Oddest thing is I'm slimmer now then when I got married. . But people don't know that.  I wanted to WOW the friends over in England, and it's all me I know. They tease and joke but they are a great group. You see I look at the world with fat eyes. I know I'm pretty, but I wanted to be the most pretty ever. Men you may not get that, perhaps it's a silly female thing. So yes I am beyond excited to go to England, it's a dream come true for me. I just wish I had been a bit more diligent and perhaps another 20 lbs lighter. I'm not so I'm going to keep at this. It's been a long long struggle but having the love and support of family and my dear friends I'll get there.
       Just forgive me if I say dumb things or act weird sometimes. My female friends I will always be jealous of your hair and independence , my male friends I will always be a bit possessive of you. I do not do any of this out of malice it's just that you are all so special and I love you and I'm very protective of those I love. I want to guard and make sure I'm always a part of what's going on, because , hey, you matter so much. I've learned to back off and chill. It's almost as hard as losing weight for me.  Be gentle, please tell me if I'm too much. I understand and take no offense as I don't even realize some of the shit I do.
     So I think I may finally go to sleep, yep you're all thinking what the hell did she go on about. Lol I know. Love you. Ciao For Now