Sometimes

     I lay awake at night and I just feel my strength leave me.  I've not been feeling well for awhile.  Not sure what it is only that it drains me.  Gives me stomach issues, headaches.  Legit pains but lots of stress.  I have a physical scheduled the middle of the month after I get back from NYC. I just have no umph! It's getting bad here again and this time I have no where to turn. Hubs is still waiting for unemployment to kick in and it's been a month. He's called but had to email so he's done that. He's had some interviews but nothing yet. He's getting very upset. I'm trying to be positive but it's difficult sometimes.  I'm a broken record stuck on the turntable hoping someone will turn me over and play a fun new song.  I'm just in a mood tonight peeps so bear with me if I vent.  
     I'm not taking care of me as I should.  I'm ins fuck it mood most nights.  Have fun conversation with Sis and that makes me feel better.  Can't wait to see her.  But sometimes lying here in the dark my mind wanders. I wNt to run away.  Then hubs will reach out to me in his sleep and grab my hand. He brings it up to his face and holds on  tightly.  I don't move my hand away until I know he's in a deep sleep.  I've fallen asleep sometimes too. But it's like I'm the only thing he has to hold on to. I love him and want him to have a job and enjoy it.  Yes money will be a huge help but he's losing his sense of self I think.  No one should feel useless .
    So it's nights like this I let my tears flow.  I'm writing not for the sympathy of anyone reading but more for myself. I can't keep this bottled in.   I'm thinking of asking the doctor for some Valium or something similar to calm myself on nights like this.
I'm under the covers. Fan is on so the room is cool and it feels so nice under the blanket.  I think of my mom at times like this.  I'm in my bed like when I was little.  Picture her sitting on my bed comforting me because I had a bad dream.  She was always there for me.  I miss her so.
     Anyway.  Wiping away my tears.  I need to settle down.  Work for me in the morning.  I know I haven't written in awhile. Sorry but this one was for me. I'll be back soon. So ciao for now