Today was hard.

    They have been there since the day I walked in, but I just never really used the machines at the gym. They showed them to me when I first joined. Me being me of course gravitated to the treadmill and quickly found that quite acceptable. I also occasionally went on the stationary bike. Never really bothered with all the trainers they have , nothing past my original day there. I was missing out for certain.  Well a year later (I'm a slow starter ) I finally went and got me an appointment with one of the trainers. I will be brutally honest here. I was embarrassed at myself, my weight, my inability to do the evaluation without sounding like Darth Vader! I started to get teary. Great, fat, AND out of breath AND crying. It was the talk my friend had with me OVER a year and a half ago all over. I cried in front of him then too, for similar reasons. Embarrassment, and felt like I let him down as well as myself. He told me I needed to get fit, build up stamina, NOT get skinny as there is a difference. I did from that point lose 58 pounds. Gained some back and lost it again plus at least 12 more. But I hit a plateau, and stayed  there. It all came back to me in the room with my trainer, that day in the city.  Staying in my comfort zone was not helping me. My right side was starting to randomly hurt and I know it's from the fall I took a few years back. It was basically a belly flop but on my back on cement.  Well I looked at her, the trainer Gwen, and she just told me - first not to be embarrassed as some women could barely walk when they joined and now they are dancing around in Zumba classes. Two - I needed to forgive myself again. Which is not easy!! She took me through each machine, to get me away from the treadmill. We walked around and she explained each one separately. Figured which would be good for me. Worked out a plan for me as which machines to use that will target my tummy (worst place  on me)   I went on them and did what she did, she didn't leave me once as I took my turn and did the same thing, just as she showed me. By the end I felt like I was going to die. My legs were shaking and I was breathing so heavy. (not for good reasons either lol) After all that I made an appointment for today. But back to that first day. I sat in my car after all of it and I really cried, what a jerk I am. I just felt so tired, so beaten and I was scared I wouldn't go back or just run to the safety of the treadmill. if I did. I was scared that I would never lose what I should. I was scared of the amount of weight it's possible to gain in a short time. I was scared that my trip to England would not be all it could. I hated the memories in my head of things I COULDN'T do.
     Unless you have a really large amount of weight to lose, I'm talking 100 or more pounds, it's not easy to imagine what your body feels like. I'm tired of it, I'm tired of being tired  I'm tired of not being able to go play with my niece and nephew because chasing around a soccer ball will do me in. That's not living, not the way I want to live.
     So today I did go back, honestly, I still don't love  being out of my comfort zone. I probably never will, well maybe one day lol,  but I got there and I'm going again on Friday.  3X a week to eventually build up to 5X.
     I can see myself more fit, I picture her in my head. I want to yell to that woman and ask is it any different? I know the answer of course. I will be able to walk with no issues and god knows sex will be more, shall we say,  active, vitamin E time we're talking haha. I will not have to toe drive, although I don't really do that anymore. I hate to sweat! Diva I am lol BUT - Fit wins over sweat.  I really have no choice. My dear friends, I can't promise to be perfect, I can only strive to be a more fit me. I am a confident and competitive woman, but that's to the outside world. Now I'm facing off against myself, may the better woman win!!! Ciao for now everyone.