My Arms Hurt & I Don't Care LOL

     Well the reason they hurt is because, Ive been good with going to the gym and have gone 4x in a row, meaning I went, came back, went, waited a day, came back, etc.  I was too sparadic when I went last time and one main difference (I know it shouldn't matter) is that hubs is 100% behind this. He is not going to any gym, but he has cut way down on carbs and sodium.   I still don't know what all the machines my amazon has me on but I know of course one is the Ab Crunch which I love. Moved my pin to 50 today. There is a rope that I stand by and pull down, I work arms and pecs with two machines and the one I find interesting too is the rotary twist. It is (knock wood) really helping my back. I know I said that but I am just reiterating it, as more times on it, it's keeps growing me.
     A friend of mine just left for a business trip to London and he sent me a pic today that was SO cool. He knows I watch the show and he sent me a pic of Selfridges & Co.   I was tickled pink. I love things like that. Another friend of mine knows my watch word - believe. At the holidays when he was in NY he took a pic of Macy's "BELIEVE" sign, also a pic of this huge sleigh from Canary Warf. It's things like that that mean so much to me. Means you are being thought of. I send stuff to people's Facebook pages a lot when I think of them. I love my friends and yet I can behave a proper ass, as I tend to get possessive of them on occasion. It's not them its fully me, my deal, but I say shit and then wish I could take it back or let them know I realize I am a jerk.  Wine has been known to be of assistance in these silly things as it was last night.  Even with just one glass I got stupid for a moment then tried to explain then sounded even dumber  LOL I so hope the person I emailed understands. Think so :-) HAHAHA
     I saw something today that sounded kind of interesting. I was at the grocery store and saw a bottle of Heinz ketchup made with Balsamic Vinegar.  I adore balsamic vinegar and almost bought it. I didn't though as it had 9 gms of sugar. Too much, it's only a condiment, not a sweet or candy.  I was coming down off the gym high so I bought such healthy things  LOL   I bought PLAIN greek yogurt, fresh berries. Grape Nuts cereal instead of granola to sprinkle on the yogurt. It has a very low sugar count. So we had the yogurt, berries, cereal for breakfast drizzled with raw honey. Was very good. I bought eggs and hard-boiled the entire dozen so we have a meal on the go. Grab the egg and be on your way. I've been having too many carbs, even though they are in the form of oat porridge, it's too much every day. Bought chicken that's cooking in the slow cooker right now. Lean beef, pork and salmon for tomorrow. Trying to be good, also not trying to focus totally in this. I am such a great starter, we know this, time to follow through again. I did it last year, I can do it this year. Bunk to not having a job, this is my life. We will get by and one more thing. My good fitting jeans (not my big ones) are loose on me. WOOHOO!!! 
     As I said dinner is in the slow cooker. We are having asparagus and brussels with it. And I need to get them started. So I hope that everyone has a wonderful Monday, and a fantastic night tonight. Ciao For Now.

WELL

     No blog tonight guys, feeling out of sorts. I will be fine I'm sure, as I am headed out to the gym for a 9 o'clock with my trainer in the morning. 
     I really wish I could afford a personal trainer but I get her one more time,  so I am taking full advantage of the offer. Then in 6 months I get one again.  :-D   So until tomorrow  Ciao For Now

Today was hard PT.2 (the after story)

     Well its been several hours since the last blog. (which I had to correct with all the errors LOL) After I got home from the gym and showered, I felt much better. I was happy I pushed myself and will continue to do so. I of course look adorable in my workout clothes. LMAO  Hell no I look silly but everyone else did as well.
     Tonight had some turmoil that I am not posting the details but I am just so emotionally spent right now. It's ongoing, but tonight it took a very odd turn. Suffice to say there were lots of tears and soothing talk and frustration for several reasons. Its all calm now but I have a lingering sense of uncertainty. I pray the Goddess watch over us.
     I try not to get too personal on here since most of you do not know me and would have no clue as to what I'm talking about. But feelings are universal. I have several friends who it seems have wonderful personalities but always seem to have it together. Never need that shoulder to cry on, not really, not like me. I would gladly listen to any one of my friends and do what I can to help, even if it's just to be there to let them vent it out. Me on the other hand, I keep things to myself to where I feel like I could buckle at any moment and just scream inside a crowded elevator. I can't bring myself to really tell anyone and yet I want them to know. I start to touch on things then back off. I don't know why? I want to hear all about them yet I keep so much bottled up. It's the same old shit story. I'm just spent AGAIN. Something is going to give and I'm just afraid as I see a good possibility but it keeps getting poo-poo'd  I know this makes no sense to most of you, it may make some to others, a small group who can piece things together. Pain comes from all angles, but its so intense when someone you love is in pain and you are helpless. I've never had children but I'm thinking it's like that. It comes from deep in you and , wow, Im really tired all of a sudden. I may end up deleting this and you will never know I wrote it. Maybe, I dont know. Life IS good and worth living, some just need more proof of that.Goodnight peeps. Tomorrow is a new and wonderful day :-D

Today was hard.

    They have been there since the day I walked in, but I just never really used the machines at the gym. They showed them to me when I first joined. Me being me of course gravitated to the treadmill and quickly found that quite acceptable. I also occasionally went on the stationary bike. Never really bothered with all the trainers they have , nothing past my original day there. I was missing out for certain.  Well a year later (I'm a slow starter ) I finally went and got me an appointment with one of the trainers. I will be brutally honest here. I was embarrassed at myself, my weight, my inability to do the evaluation without sounding like Darth Vader! I started to get teary. Great, fat, AND out of breath AND crying. It was the talk my friend had with me OVER a year and a half ago all over. I cried in front of him then too, for similar reasons. Embarrassment, and felt like I let him down as well as myself. He told me I needed to get fit, build up stamina, NOT get skinny as there is a difference. I did from that point lose 58 pounds. Gained some back and lost it again plus at least 12 more. But I hit a plateau, and stayed  there. It all came back to me in the room with my trainer, that day in the city.  Staying in my comfort zone was not helping me. My right side was starting to randomly hurt and I know it's from the fall I took a few years back. It was basically a belly flop but on my back on cement.  Well I looked at her, the trainer Gwen, and she just told me - first not to be embarrassed as some women could barely walk when they joined and now they are dancing around in Zumba classes. Two - I needed to forgive myself again. Which is not easy!! She took me through each machine, to get me away from the treadmill. We walked around and she explained each one separately. Figured which would be good for me. Worked out a plan for me as which machines to use that will target my tummy (worst place  on me)   I went on them and did what she did, she didn't leave me once as I took my turn and did the same thing, just as she showed me. By the end I felt like I was going to die. My legs were shaking and I was breathing so heavy. (not for good reasons either lol) After all that I made an appointment for today. But back to that first day. I sat in my car after all of it and I really cried, what a jerk I am. I just felt so tired, so beaten and I was scared I wouldn't go back or just run to the safety of the treadmill. if I did. I was scared that I would never lose what I should. I was scared of the amount of weight it's possible to gain in a short time. I was scared that my trip to England would not be all it could. I hated the memories in my head of things I COULDN'T do.
     Unless you have a really large amount of weight to lose, I'm talking 100 or more pounds, it's not easy to imagine what your body feels like. I'm tired of it, I'm tired of being tired  I'm tired of not being able to go play with my niece and nephew because chasing around a soccer ball will do me in. That's not living, not the way I want to live.
     So today I did go back, honestly, I still don't love  being out of my comfort zone. I probably never will, well maybe one day lol,  but I got there and I'm going again on Friday.  3X a week to eventually build up to 5X.
     I can see myself more fit, I picture her in my head. I want to yell to that woman and ask is it any different? I know the answer of course. I will be able to walk with no issues and god knows sex will be more, shall we say,  active, vitamin E time we're talking haha. I will not have to toe drive, although I don't really do that anymore. I hate to sweat! Diva I am lol BUT - Fit wins over sweat.  I really have no choice. My dear friends, I can't promise to be perfect, I can only strive to be a more fit me. I am a confident and competitive woman, but that's to the outside world. Now I'm facing off against myself, may the better woman win!!! Ciao for now everyone.
   

You look like, like? No That's Not It.

     They say that every person has 6 people who look just like them. I am not sure where they git that number. I figure they take the amount of people in the world and divide it up. Since there are more people in the world now, I would guess this number has risen up to at least 10. I have no clue really. What I do know is that we do resemble other people. In my years, I have been told I look like Ann Wilson (wish I had her voice), a fatter Valerie Bertonelli and of all people Stockard Channing. Sometimes it's just a look, or similar mannerism that a person has, whether it is natural or an affectation. This happens with celebrities all the time. Okay now you are going to have to follow my warped train of thought, so hang on. I'm going off on a tangent in a few minutes.  So back to topic. I am know watching a show on Itunes called Mr. Selfridge. It's okay, the main character is a bit over the top. It is enjoyable enough though, and based on a true story, which I didn't know.  Another friend of mine just loves this show. I was talking with her about it today now since I have seen 4 episodes now. I mentioned to her that that the lead character reminds me of a mutual friend and she said yes he does. I saw it a bit in the first show but as the episodes go I see it more. I told her to not tell him I said this as I didn't want to make his head bigger than it is, but he is actually better looking than the lead character. (YES I KNOW YOU ARE READING THIS MISTER LOL) But you are, and then (here's the tangent) I realized that my friends here in the US and abroad are all really good looking, and they are not only beautiful on the outside but on the inside as well.  I mean this and she thanked me for it, but I really am just making an honest statement. I must add that there is a character on the show I do really dig. That is Henri. I like him. 
     As far as the weekend goes, it was good. Went to the gym early on Saturday and was put on every machine, shown how they worked and what they worked on. We made a chart of what I will do, a plan that doesn't hurt my back or sides, yet at the sametime will strengthen my muscles on that side. I am going again early tomorrow. I then had a nice change in the afternoon.  I have not been making my cards because of well all that's been going on, or better yet, what hasn't been. But the stamp craft store by me was having a make & take. You make a card using their supplies, and take it home. Nothing extravagant, a moe simple card, BUT you can take it home and embellish it to your hearts content. It was nice to be back there, spoke to some folks I know, just a nice time. :-)
Chilled out that night and checked on my Doctor Who group I started on my fitness pal, then watched, what else? Doctor Who, while munching on celery and hummus. LOL 
I wasn't tired, and well ended up not sleeping at all. hence the blog before this one.
     Went out early to get breakfast and then came home ran some errands, filed for my unemployment and basically chilled, played on facebook a lot today, put up some pictures, instant messaged people, got a few new followers. And that leads me to here. I am so tired. It has all caught up with me and I find my eyes drooping at not even 11PM.  So I an going to say ciao for now and catch you tomorrow

4:30 am On A Sunday Don't Expect Much -But Read It Anyway

     In these early hours of the morning, one tends to feel a bit like the God Janus. Looking at the day just gone, while pondering the day ahead. I find myself drifting from one to the next quite easily as if floating on a cloud. I like this time of morning when my thoughts keep me company. I am the Queen and while my subjects sleep I am free to behave as I wish, even if the actions play out only in my mind. There is nothing that stops me, and in my thoughts no one questions my reason or intelligence. I have full autonomy. My world is as quirky as a Mad Hatters, mixed with the grounded vision of any good philosopher. My connection to my heart is stronger, and I feel connected to family and friends in a way that I wish I could express, yet am never able to do. My words always seem contrived and overused. Maybe the pure love I have for these people goes beyond anything I could find in a dictionary. No matter what, it's obvious that I have an easier time of writing what I feel, as I trip over my emotions when I try to speak them.  

     I want to be elegant but I'm not sure it's a good fit for me. I would just once like to ride in a limo to start a 5 star night. Oh how the beautiful people all know just how to hold their champagne glasses. How to say just the right thing, and laugh just so perfectly, and always at the right time. So not me. I'm boisterous, and talk way too much. I spill things, and have a knack for blurting out my thoughts without thinking them through. I'm the proverbial sow's ear waiting to be made into a silk purse. But truthfully, the folks in steerage always seem to have lots of fun. So -I'm happy with me overall.  I like who I am, and want to share myself with family and friends but alas very few are nearby. So I get distraught occasionally. I found something today about missing people  that said it best.  It went ( and I'm paraphrasing here) "It's not who you've known the longest or how long it's been since you've seen them, but its when you are in a moment that you think of someone who you want to share what's happening, that's truly missing someone. " I have the quote somewhere but you get the gist if it.  I have come across things in the day to day that makes me think of people, and know they could appreciate a situation or something the same as me. Something we would share. Love that!!

     I think I watch too many old B&W movies. Lol  it's 4:30 Sunday morning.  Just feeling mushy. :-)  will be back later with thought and telling how the weekend went.  So until later peeps. I say ciao for now. 

OOH OOH  I found the picture  here it is 

Wow I did a lousy job of paraphrasing HAHAHAHA

So there you have it Peeps. So again I say Ciao, see ya later :-D

Shine On You Crazy Diamond

     Well today I ended my pity party - the roar of the crowd is deafening LOL   Oh peeps, those of you who dont know me, let me tell you I made myself, and pretty much all the people I know, bonkers! I really fell into a funk, I cried, watched sad movies, wrote dumb poetry to my friends asking them to stay with me.  N-U-T-T-E-R!!! Today though I did come to a conclusion that I am worth it. I am not stupid I have a lot to offer and out there is a company that deserves me. I know I have said this a few times but today it really hit home. I was standing in line at the store and this lady and I were chatting and she told me she was out of work for 5 months and finally got a great job. Like everything I do I wanted it yesterday. I need to realize that it's not going to happen overnight. So I am trying to stay away from this pity party if mine.  
     I have been focusing on my weight and eating better and it's working the way I hoped. I called my gym today and set up my appointment with my amazon again. We are going all out and getting out the measuring tape. I hope they have a large tape measure LOL  I have no idea what my numbers will be. I'm kind of like the way the prices for gas (petrol) goes on the signs. Big, bigger, biggest. All premium of course ;-)  I was talking to her on the phone and she was either new or I hadn't come across her there yet. When we spoke I told her that even though I have been there, I still consider my work out level at "slug"  She started to laugh and said sorry but that it was funny. and she asked if she could use that one, I was laughing too and told her sure just give me credit  LOL  So I am going Saturday at 9. She said "see you then, and we'll get your rolling" To which I replied, Oh that's no problem, I have no trouble rolling, I'm built for it!  I think she pee'd she was laughing so hard. LMAO
    It just made me feel better for some reason. I just feel so good at the moment, so I'm hoping that I will actually sleep tonight. I have been up all night for the last 4 nights, which Im sure hasnt helped my outlook.   
     I am actually almost laughing at my rejections, I got one from a placement company and they sent me a rejection notice. I was like WTF? This company looks for work and they wont see me? They did have a questionnaire that one question was if I had a security clearance and I don't, so I'm thinking that's why.   I also made an appointment to get my other bridge done so I can smile pretty like!! LOL Now when I laugh I try to angle myself so people are on my right, where I already have a bridge. 
     I have been telling people that I am boring lately and you know what? That's bull. I am making myself boring. I am still me. That lovely, adorable, funny as hell , sexy beastette of a gal. I am going to PA soon for more ink. I am going to NY in May for a party for a friends daughter, which so many friends will be there. Dancing, music and karaoke, free drinks and food at the VFW hall. So retro so fabulous. I am really looking forward to it. I have allowed myself to slump and calling on friends to pick me up. It's not up to them to do this, it's up to me to be the best friend I can. The one I am.  If I lose the 20 pounds I want by the end of May, for the party, (ambitious I know); I am buying this dress I saw, casual but flowing and I have new sandals I can wear with it. Love the flowing skirt with sandals look. Some jewelry, lots of bangles, all silver of course. Kind of a gypsy look which I always loved. 
     Time for this free spirit to allow herself to be free again. I'm going to visit friends, I'm hoping some friends come to visit me, and then Europe will be here before I know it. Time is going by fast and damned if I'm going to just watch it. I have deep respect for my dear friends and they all have one thing in common. They are doers, they dont just sit back. I admire them greatly for this and need to put a little more of that in my life.  I am going to stop because at this point its about the doing, not talking about it. So I say Ciao For Now and see ya tomorrow

Such a Sad Thing

     I turned off the TV, not because I don't care but because I do. Assumptions & speculations aren't going to soothe families tonight. They are crying in unison and need help. I needed to clear my head and focus on what happened. Two graves, limbs torn off, lives altered forever. I needed quiet in my own heart to connect with them, to think of how they are feeling. I lit a candle and offered up a prayer. For those in Boston, AND, for all those I know and love too. Because you never know. It's an odd feeling that any time, on any day, it could be the last thing you do. Of those 2 dead I'm hearing one is an 8 year old child, 8!!!! They haven't even lived yet. 

     I had a rather long blog planned for tonight but I'm not in the mood to write it. I'm not personalizing it more than I already have. Not being a drama queen, but I'll say it again - those of you, my family and dear friends, I love you all! 

Week in Review / Fast Forward

     Taxes are done, thank heavens, not to worry until next year now.  Costs were what I thought. This past week. I've had good heated discussions, healthy ones at that. Others just dumb. I've been mad, curious, pushy, and hurt. Even lost a few pounds. Bought some work out clothes on EBay and some flip flops from Adidas! No appointments yet but hopefully. Cooked food , drank wine, made body scrubs.  Wondered if I was thought about? Thought about some people. Just so tired of negative outlooks. Why can't I perfect and sell the bath products. I am not just doing it. I'm not going to get sued, my stuff is good, you're right I don't have any money to loose to a person in a lawsuit , your right but oh so wrong about the whole thing , it could work.    Missing folks, saw beautiful flowers, heard good music/ .my week in readers digest form.  I'm tired, he's snoring. Room is chilly, blanket is warm. A bottle of vodka emptied ! Reason for the snoring that's it for now. More tomorrow Ciao For Now

Wee Hours Of The Morning

In the hours of the night, between the dark and the light
I search for guidance 
I look up, I look down, I look all around
I find no solace
I look to see, at you, at me
The difference in our lives
I think I finally know, the path I need to go
I am afraid to lose 
By faltering, I am amiss
To be strong of mind, is the key to bliss

I must go and do, what must be done
Take care of me, not everyone
In doing so, I deal with life today
Be the best I can be, in every way
Love myself, the good and the bad
allow my self the luxury of sad

I try and fail, fail and try 
I'll always laugh but occasionally cry
Nothing I want more to be
Is to be the person that YOU see
I have flaws, and scars, and flab that hangs
insecurities, that cause my heart pangs

I will get through this, I will persevere
My cheek feels wet, from a single tear
One of joy, not one of sadness
A feeling inside that goes beyond madness
Of an image in my head, one I can make real 
A real person, that you can hold and feel
It will take time, your patience I ask
Let me have time to continue my task

Im going to fall, you know me, I will
But I'll get up, and continue still
Your words of encouragement ring in my ears
They dry my eyes and still my fears 
My friends I love you, it's as simple as that
this round chick needs you, as I turn fit from fat 
I'll make you proud just wait and see
The inside the same, with a new outer me

This Is Just Amazing To Me

     I am on facebook and in a convo with a guy I knew from growing up. he's a little older than me but I know who he is. He posted a story about a young waitress from Hooters who was basically forced out of her job, because she had surgery to remove a brain mass A BRAIN MASS! She had to buzz cut her hair and when she did try to wear a wig it hurt because it was over the scar. The manager kept cutting her hours until she wasn't making enough to live on.   For those of you who are not familiar with hooters, this is the uniform the girls wear.

Very short shorts, usually very thin, with big boobs.  I have no problem with the uniform at all, but what I do have an issue with is that they are discriminating towards this woman because her hair is buzzed and there is a scar. Now you can argue the point, and I understand, no one wants to look at a scar while giving a food order. But is it fair to the girl? It wasn't like she chose to have surgery and look this way for a short time, she was operated on her brain!!!  Personally I will assume that its not oozing, or dripping blood (which would be a health violation anyway) and I would have no issue giving her my order. This guy says its not right ans that the restaurant could sak her as she would drive away customers. Would she? No where in the article does it say anyone complained, or walked out because of her. I think she has a fair lawsuit and I hope she wins. 
     I have not gotten jobs because I am fat, not in years though, but it makes me sad and more than a little angry when I was well suited for the position. I have worked with people in wheelchairs and those who have MS or palsy and their arms fold up , they are the coolest peeps at work sometimes.  I don't know, I get passionate about something and forget that others don't feel like I do. I've been discriminated against and to see someone else going through it (and for medical reasons to boot) just burns me up. I've always said that perhaps growing up chubby, then just fat, taught me to look past a person's outer looks when it comes down to things like this. Don't get me wrong, if David Beckham walked past me in shorts I would melt on the spot! LOL But even that, he's just one of the beautiful people that everyone agrees is good looking, but everyone has things that are beautiful. I know men who say they need to lose weight, or their hair is thinning but damn each of them is quite handsome just as they are. People can be so shallow and it makes me sad, I hope I am not nor come across that way. Because it is so NOT what I am about.    
     Whew  just had to get that off my chest peeps, I know I am a nutter but I like to think I'm a sensitive to others nutter. LOL   SO until later Ciao For Now

WOW Just WOW

     I will get to NY soon, but I have to comment real quick on social media interaction. I personally see so many posts I disagree with, and we know I had issues several months back on a group page. I learned my lesson well and do not put any opinions on any group posts. Now on my own page, I should be allowed to my opinion, don't agree, that's fine, just keep on walking and live and let live, this is what I do. Today two people passed, one was Annette Funicello from The Mickey Mouse Club from the 1950's. The other was Margaret Thatcher. I posted a link for both, I said R.I.P Ms. Thatcher. Apparently someone got their panties in a bunch over that. Said he wished she wasn't resting in peace. To me that's just rude. He said why she was horrid, then he posts something from a person that was political. Then he tells me it was my fault for posting about her. Finally I said enough, I wished her RIP, HE made it political. Look I don't live in the UK, but I still think for a woman to be able to be Prime Minister is something. I really would like to hear from my friends in England to get their view. 
     So now NY. It was great, had fun on Friday, was planning fun on Saturday and did have some great earlier day time fun but later my back pulled just the wrong way and had to cancel for the night. I was reaching down to get a towel off the floor and fold it and I bent and turned apparently in one very bad move. I had not 15 minutes prior been speaking with a friend and was fine. This all comes from when I took that classic banana fall in 2010. Back has had these moments since then. But I was okay enough to make the Sunday wineries trip. Was such a great day, beautiful weather, good wine, good friend, it could be a Groundhog's Day day and I would be okay with it. :-)  We even found a beach that I of course had to go play on. LOL  Here's the round chick on a windy beach, One very happy bunny!

It was windy, but sunny so it wasn't that bad standing by the ocean. The hair was attacking me, I really need a chop!!

     The night could have been better, after my friend left, issues came up and it was just dumb. Got me thinking though! That's all I'll say on that.

    Peeps I just wanted to drop in and say hi. I was gone a few posts I know  but I will have them tomorrow night again, and until then I say Ciao For Now

There's No Place Like Home, There's No Place Like Home

     And it's windy as all get out tonight, but the day was clear and on the warm side. I tell you, I love to drive and for the most part this is a great trip, pretty direct, all roads marked well, BUT, as soon as I cross from The New Jersey Turnpike into Staten Island, it's game over man, game over!!  They are fixing the road, which is the new hobby of NYC, and traffic dwindled from 4 lanes to 2. So it was sloooooow, then the oh so fabulous Belt Parkway. For you out of town or even country peeps, if you've ever landed at JFK Airport, chances are you ave ridden the Belt or it's just as ugly cousin, the Van Wyck Expressway! Fooey to both of them. This stretch of road today added over an hour to my drive. I am so tempted just to go through Manhattan on my way home and take the Lincoln Tunnel directly to the NJ turnpike.
     But it is worth it, it really is. I can already feel my tension and angst melting from me. I met with friends for dinner and we ended up at a diner called the Blue Bay. It's a typical NY diner, that serves everything from hamburgers to Filet Mignon and lobster. I haven't been to this place in over 20 years. It was exactly the same. Not sure if that's good or bad, LOL.  I used to frequent this place almost every morning simply because it is right across the highway from where I went to High School. We had our own version of the Breakfast Club. A group of us would meet early and walk across the overpass to the diner and get bagels, or eggs or what ever, then go back in time for first class. It brought back a lot of great memories.
     I have a pretty full weekend planned, and the Gods are in my favor as the rain is holding off until after I leave. I just want nice weather for Sunday and the trip out to the vineyards. 
     I feel better peeps, not that it really matters to you but I have been down in the dumps as of late, getting all kinds of paranoid, and tonight, I feel sexy again! Not a clue why, maybe I listened to Justin Timberlake sing about how he's bringing sexy back one too many times while stuck in traffic. Oh yes do not kid yourselves, sexy me was butt dancing in my car seat to that song, and Rihanna finding love in a hopeless place, and even The Wanted were Glad I Came. LMAO I still got the moves I'm happy to report.
     So here I sit, in my old room, at my desk, as the loudest of garbage trucks is collecting recycle trash right now. REALLY? Bottles and cans at 12:30 in the morning. Not like people are sleeping (not me of course) , dayum guys, could you wait about 7 hours at least!!!?? At this moment, I am content, I feel truly happy. I am enjoying this moment, as I drink the last bit of my tea that's gone cold. This moment has eluded me for a few weeks, and I welcome it back. So I am going to extend this moment and go snuggle in bed and read my book, and wait for the lovely alarm clock, that is my Dad, let me know that it is 8:30AM and time to get up. HAHAHA So as always Ciao For Now

New York New York A Hell Of A Town

     Less than 12 hours from now I shall be cruising my way up north. Visiting my dad of course and also to see my friends. Going out Friday night, Saturday night, Sunday most of the day, Monday I'm not sure if I'm staying one more day or going back south. I say that, although many of you may think I should say home. I see why you think that as I live in Virginia, but home is, and always will be New York! I really need this trip too. I'm becoming a pain in the arse with all this free time I have. I do tackle things that need doing here but I can't do a lot on my own. I'm on Facebook WAY to much. I send messages but people see them and since they have lives, or on trains, or driving, don't respond. I fully understand yet those off hours it would be nice o get a response YET they are home with families or out doing things that they can't respond. I am not there to see what's doing. Last thing I want to do is intrude on private time. My timing always sucks anyway. Except I'm never late. I am on rare occasion, I hate tardiness. Or is it sardines? Kind of look similar when you spell them out! 😉
     I have more interviews next week. I know it's only been a month but I'm already getting hell for buying the few dresses, and shoes I did.  Granted I purchased some incense that made me quite happy when it arrived today. I got lectured on it though. I spent 50 dollars on it, incense plus a burner in the shape of an owl, that's imported from Japan. Yes maybe I'm not working BUT  the clothes and shoes are for interviews and work. The owl was for me, I admit that it was a totally selfish purchase, but it was a little something that has made me smile more times tonight than I have all week. In several weeks.  I'm not buying something every day. I'm really restraining myself, even from more work clothes. I'm tired of being reminded we have to be careful.. Dammit I'm not a child, I understand perfectly. Just make me feel more like shit, why don't you? I feel guilty enough. I decided that I'm withdrawing my 401k , it's not a fortune but at least it's mine. Of course it will go towards bill, my car, my credit cards, this way I don't feel guilty if I want to get my hair done. I will get a job, then I can save gain. I will put a little into a CD also, to add to and grow once the job starts.
I am getting a new tattoo that luckily I paid for when I got my last one, otherwise I would have had to wait. I was supposed to get it in January but I had just gotten out of the hospital so no way that was happening. Thinking about it, I spent the holidays with an IV stuck in me, only to return to work to find that I was being made redundant in February. So far 2013 has been a basketful of puppies , NOT!!!
      Look I know in comparison to so many, I have nothing to complain about. I realize things could be so very worse, I pray to the Goddess for those people who have real sickness, no homes, no income at all, I pray to her for me too. I'm tired of being a hinderence, not any fun, needy, and I'd like to go one fucking week without crying! I don't blame folks for backing away, the thing is though, this time I need them. So back to New York I go. Back home. I am bringing my camera so I will have some pics to share. Supposed to be close to 60 degrees on Sunday, perfect weather  to walk around the vineyards. I am quite happy about that 😀. So I am going to say good night, wishing you all smiles and good times. There is so much positive to focus on, my apologies for harping on the negative.
Ciao For Now.

Not Tonight Dear I Have A Headache

     I really do peeps so tonight I am not going to post a long blog. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. I did make a great split pea soup for dinner. Turned out yummy, now I need to write the recipe down so I don't forget it. LOL
     So peeps, I will say Ciao For Now

It Was The Worst Of Days, It Was The Best Of Days

     Well, I will say right off the bat, that I received another rejection notice today. This came right on top of the one I received yesterday. Today's job though, was one I really would have liked to get. We had a nice interview and good rapport. I thought so anyway. She said herself that I had the experience. Which is the exact thing the email I got yesterday said. It stated that I had an impressive resume.  If I am impressive and experienced, why is no one hiring me? I kind of had a little break down and wept more than I care to admit. Hubs is telling me to hang in there, so are friends. It was tied into a neat bow tonight, with two words: Persevere Dear!  Makes a lot of sense, and like I wrote my friend, I like to think I am much stronger, but I am not getting many interviews either. I have one tomorrow, but nothing else lined up. It's picking away at my confidence, and making me a bit depressed. When do I get past this stage and get to the I'm pissed stage? ine I'm trudging along best I can!!
     The second part of today goes hand in hand kind of. As we know I go driving when I'm in need of cheering up. Today I went off my normal path. Why not? It was a beautiful day, and tank was full, so off I wandered. I drove for about an hour, looking at old farms with barns half crumbled, cool grain silos, you know yeehaw country stuff.  Almost 2 hours went by and this gal had to wee.So I see a very nice farm store. You know the type. It has locally grown veg and fruit, homemade jams, pies and marmalade's. So in I go, and am transported to the late 1800. All wood, with barrels all over. People just so nice. Well I get some onions and am waiting on line and this older woman starts talking to me. Out of the blue, she's chatting about the people who own the place (seems they live communally). She asked what I was doing there, if I lived near by, things like that. Told her no that I just needed to go for a drive to clear my head. At that she orders her lunch and says I'm going to sit there, and wait. So I order a veg juice and paid for the items I picked out. Gave the man my name and went to wait for my juice. She motioned for me to sit next to her. We talked about how great nature is and that its nice to have a change of scenery sometimes. We talked about 10 minutes. They called my name and I went to get my drink. I told her to have a lovely afternoon. She shook my hand and told me her name. Said she was a regular and maybe she would see me again one day.  As I went to my car, I felt better for having the little chat. Who knew that would be the effect. 
     Sometimes we meet people for no other reason than to help us forget for a moment. They are not permanent in our lives, but there for a reason. Then there are those who fate has put into our lives to stay there. They are meant to be there for us, and us for them.  Like the lady in the store and my friends who are there with comfort for me, I am very thankful I got both today. Tomorrow is a new day and and interview. So here's to new jobs, and old friends. To fate, may it deem me worthy of a smooth transition. 
     Going to try and sleep tonight peeps, last few nights I have been getting to bed close to 4 AM. So I will say good night, and of course, Ciao For Now

Smile Behind The Tears

     Excuse me while I scream peeps. Today I had two interviews with staffing agencies. They went well enough.  I liked the first one better than the second. My first interview was with a woman, the second a man. The first one was professional with a good mix of pleasant conversation. Laughs were shared, and I felt good when I left. The second one was quite the opposite. The man for the second interview gave me a look up and down, where as the woman at the first one gave me a glance but that was all. I looked fine, I know this. New dress, worn for one interview prior to this, hung up immediately, so wrinkle free. Make up done nice, hair straightened, nails done. She seemed satisfied. He on the other hand looked a bit longer, and I got the impression was not as kind in his mind. Where as she and I talked and went over my jobs, he barely deviated from the paper he held in his hand. I know that paper. I had one when I did the interviewing, and now I'm the interviewee. I also felt rushed.  I am not holding my breath on the second staffing agency but am hopeful for the first one. I actually have to see her again on Wednesday, which is good ( I think). The reason I feel like screaming is just not 15 minutes ago I got another thanks but no thanks. This one was very nice in it's format. They wrote although your skills are quite impressive, we have decided to pursue other candidates. I guess I wasn't impressive enough, my hubs bless him, said you may be over qualified if it was for a starting position. You are past that now, didn't think of that. Felt a bit better but still upset. I know I can't take it personally, not with the companies I email my resume to, as they don't know me at all. In person though, I would love to be critiqued. What, if anything, am I doing wrong. Oh well, I need to grow a thicker skin, which is ironic. All the years of having to develop a thick, skin, due to  listening to all the complaints and yelling over the years, when it comes to myself it's quite thin. Well steady as she goes. 
     I calmed down by making some of my sugar lip scrub. LOL  No I really mean it. I put the recipe on facebook and took a pic of my mouth right after I used it. Oh okay. I hear you all saying well, post it here then. So here is my recipe of choice: Sugar Scrub Lip Smoother
Directions: In a non metal bowl mix about 1/4 cup white sugar (castor sugar) with about 3 teaspoons of pure avocado oil (or grape seed oil which I used) , then add about 1/2 teaspoon of honey, and break open 1 vitamin E capsule into the mix. Mix it well (you want a sandy consistency) Put it in a small jar and that's it! (refrigerate to keep it longer but I use it every night so I don't). If you want you can add essential oils like lemon or peppermint, but I like just the honey and sugar flavor.
TO USE: Just rub a little on your lips back and forth for about 2 - 3 minutes, then rinse with warm water. Don't worry if you eat it, it won't hurt you :-D I finish it by using my lip balm ( use Sugar Lip Balm by Fresh ITS AWESOME) 

 So there you have it. The only thing on my lips there is the lip balm I mention. No gloss or color. Smoochy soft. HAHAHAHAHAHA  
     Normally I would eat something bad for me, but I am NOT going there. The rejection notice is not an excuse to eat. I did make a cup of tea though ;-) I do need to go to My Fitness Pal and update my weight loss. Doing okay, what is making me nervous is NY, I have a hard time resisting real NY pizza, with garlic and peppers - YUM Even just plain cheese, calls to me as I sleep.  Go away stupid pizza, I'm not here. But it knows better, and whats worse is when it brings it's friends - the bagels!!   hehehe  Plus side is I will be doing quite a fair amount of walking on Sunday. 
Well peeps thanks for being there and reading my rants, I have no clue what you are thinking but in my head you are all telling me to chin up it will get better, I'm worth it, someone will see that. You guys are so great that way LMAO   Well on that I will say Ciao For Now.
    

Witching Hour Is Almost Upon Us

     Thus closing this weekend. It was a decent weekend, if I don't count the part with my back going out. It's amazing how fast it happens. I wake up early on Saturday, and get all the grocery shopping done, get home and start a load of laundry, Hubs is still sleeping. The night before, I had 5 small bottles of flavored lower calorie vodka. I put up a picture of me with 2 of them and two of my dearest girlfriends start an all out (loving) attack on me. Starting out that I love to be naked, moving onto saying I carry a vibrator in my purse and then of course how my friend's 7 year old son is taller than I am. Of course, I was quite tipsy and was laughing along with them. I don't argue the point, I had an outfit on that bared my shoulders, I do have "toys" and I AM short. I know they love me, but reading this after all said and done, it IS really amusing. I love them so much. One of them I get to see this Saturday, I can not wait. I believe we may end up Planet Hollywood again, which is always fun for the kids. Her and I will have cocktails after the kiddies are settled in. This coming weekend is going to be awesome anyway. Headed to Brooklyn Friday night to see friends, just mentioned Saturday and Sunday will be spent on the north fork of Long Island, we will be viewing a few wineries and having a nice outdoor lunch at one of them. Hopefully we can catch a live performance or two. It's always a fun time. Not to mention, some damn fine vino! SO next week I'll have a few tales.
     Today was Easter Sunday of course, now I do not really celebrate as I am no longer Catholic. What I do enjoy though is getting together with family, which we did. My brother in law cooked. He, like my husband, know their way quite well around a kitchen. The ham was super yummy as were the potatoes lyonaisse, all the veg and the hot rolls. Washed down with several very full glasses of wine. It was a really nice visit. It was kind of funny to hear the two brothers, as they are more alike than one realizes sometimes.  It was a very filling night with family and laughs.
     Tomorrow is back to looking for work. I have a few interviews and I really need to work, but enough of that. Not a very inspiring or interesting blog I know, but there you have it for tonight. I'm actually tired so I'm saying good night. I have something that's been on my mind and I will blog tomorrow about it. Oh I bet you can't wait! BWAHAHA So until then I will say Ciao For Now