Looks Like A Blog Occured Anyway. LOL

     I finally told my husband I can't take this anymore. I don't want to live here anymore. I didn't mean I don't want to live with him, I meant I don't want to live in this house anymore. It's never been my house. It was his mother's house. I agreed to live here for reasons that seemed to make sense at the time. Ifyou asked me now, I'd be hard pressed to list even one. The 17 years I've lived down here seemed to have gone by in a flash. I've thought of millions of future plans, and the future just never seemed to become the present. I've been working on a new kitchen for more years than I care to admit. Each year hopeful this will be the one, but something happens and stymies it. Oh the small fixes happen. I'd go crazy if they didn't. I've picked up a paint brush and gave the bathroom vanity a facelift of sorts. It was my first try at painting a cabinet. It looks okay, but can use another coat. But it has a sort of unplanned rustic charm. Yeah, we'll go with that! Lol I look at decorating magazines with as much lust in my heart as a teenage boy looking at Playboy. I keep up my mantra of one day, one day.  Well I'm tired of it, I want it soon. So today I mentioned it, calmly, stating my reasons and this was met, not with the usual instant road block, but today there was a discussion. An honest one, I actually heard an admittance of nerves and slight fear. More than a little frustration, and resolve that perhaps it's time to move.
     Of course my first choice is NYC. I went to Zillow and looked at homes out on Long Island. I love the Island. You have beaches, and farms and wine country. I prefer north shore to south mainly because the north gets less snow. It's not in as direct a path as the south shore. Even when hurricanes Irene & Sandy hit the south shore got hit much worse. Homes were cheaper than I thought. This having to do with how far they were out. I'm talking railroad to get to Manhattan. But to me it's great talking the train in and also having the open feeling of the Island. Wether or not this will come to pass, I don't know. I do know I can't stay here. It's draining me and as I heard in a song, you can't put a band aid on a bullet wound. Try as I might, I'm not 100% me here, never will be. It's better than it used to be, but it's not me. Not this area anyway. So I made my stance and we shall see what comes of it. What would my final move be. Would I move myself? I sometimes think I could. Then I look at my husband, his face looking so forlorn when he doesn't think I notice. it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart though also when I look in the mirror. I see the stress I'm feeling as well. My body is talking it's fucking time recovering from these blood clots. Dr said it could be 2 or 3 months before I feel normal again. Normal? Me? Horrible thought. Lol.
      I feel sometimes like I went so far, I pulled on that rubber band, getting out more and more, and then wham, it snapped back. I don't speak to my friends much anymore. I've called and texted, but one can only reach out so much. I miss FaceTime but you have to let people live their lives and hope they think fond thoughts of you the same way you do of them. I don't always abide my own words and then I end up feeling like I intruded or did/ said something dumb. Only person I truly speak with regularly now would be sis. I'm thinking to ask if she wants to have an outing next time I'm up. Take the ferry to fire island and go shopping and drinking lots of fun boat drinks. Look at gorgeous men wearing very small bathing suits. Of course they'll be gay, it being Fire Island, but it's still nice to look, and they love big gals. LMAO  I think that would be fun. I can count on her to want to do things. I'm going to take a long weekend in August for this. Hopefully I'll see my friend from England in July. Hit up a cool bar in Manhattan perhaps. Visit a museum or something equally fun. It's always a rare treat. I will ask him to bring some tea and Costa coffee if he'd be so kind. I'll pay him of course. Hell I still have £15.00 I can give him. Lol
      Well peeps, I'll leave you all here. Going to bed.  Ciao For Now