Sometimes A TV Show Makes Sense

     Tonight was pretty much the same. I did go to the mall, did not find anything for my nephew. I went to the grocery store, picked up a few things. Came home, had dinner, read my book, then watched a little television. It's a show called Forever. I like it, new for 2014. The man in it is searching for reasons he is the way he is. Tonight it hit a nerve. The end wrap up had his voice over saying that everyone has secrets but a shared secret helps you know who your true friends really are.  This got me to pondering. The answer being 42. Lol if you get that reference - kudos. Why are we drawn to some people and not to others? Why, when two or more people meet do they not feel with the same emotion? Individuality perhaps, yes, we are no two alike,  yet we are exactly the same. Our basic forms of skin, bones, blood, we all gave the same organs same heart. But we are all unique. Talk about a stretched paradox, all unique but all the same. How the hell are we even doing this? I have friends, some truly great ones I trust and would give my life for. Don't really care if they would do the same, and I think that's the thing that makes friends special. What separates people. Some do for others but they look to gain something. From the time I was little, I was the type of person who gave and never expected back. When I was a little child,  I gave away my mothers appliances to our neighbor kids for fucks sake! They liked them so they should have them. Not thinking of my poor mother who got calls saying I had done this and then went to collect her stuff back. I remember my mom telling me, I didn't have to give people things to make them like me. She didn't quite get that was not the reason I did it. Why did I? Still maybe a bit of a mystery even now some 40 years later. One year, I was about 10 or 11. A man asked to shovel the snow from my house. He told me he had no money and was trying to earn some so he could help himself and his family. I told my mom and she agreed to hire him. She did the shoveling, but for whatever reason, (maybe she felt bad too), he was soon shoveling our sidewalk and driveway. He had some kind of Eastern European accent, I actually remember his face too. Kind of strange, but he made an impact on me. He was willing to go around looking for work to help his family. Now a days it would not fly, not in a big city, maybe a smaller town. I lied for him next. I just did it, I wanted to help too. I got another neighbor, 2 houses down to let him shovel their walk also. I said he was a cousin and would they let him shovel? Never found out if my lie was ever discovered. Are there good lies? That would be one I think. Back to my original thought. (See I get there! Lmao) even though we are the same, I don't think the other kids would have done this. They would have been scared or skeptical. Imagine little kids being jaded? Sad right? So telling someone a secret for me was something I felt. It's like my body knows to whom I should open up. And it's not always the person one assumes it would be. I have 4 people who know my secrets. A few know all, others what I think they can handle. Most not at all.  Those that know all I trust 1000%,  no need to go into it. I already have. Thing is now I need to learn to trust myself. To allow me to share my secrets again, to remember why and where and who with me!  It's difficult, I'm in a bit of a stale place right now. I shook it up the other day. Put wheels in motion at home that hopefully for hubs sake was sound advice. I am looking around at my surroundings and yes hate them but isn't everything in life temporary? So working on the here and now. I can be so great at this, but man can I fucking stink at it too. Lol  Let's see where I go. How many times can someone say, "I'm focusing on me now?"  Well I'm answering that with "once more at least!" Keep the faith peeps, even though it's not easy, and I don't help matters. But I am STILL that little girl who feels for people, wants to help them, I just need to do this for me now. Ciao For Now