SO SO Need To Blog Right Now!!

     You know peeps sometimes you hear news and it just makes you think and I'm not even mentioning my arm which is STILL fooked and I am having an MRI done to see if I have a compression by my neck.  As you know a few weeks ago a very good friend of mine died suddenly and it hit me very very hard. Now this morning I wake up to news that a very sweet lady I knew years ago and connected again on facebook (of course) was found last night dead in her apartment in Brooklyn.  I was so surprised and shocked as from all angles she was fine. Everyone was shocked to hear this and my facebook page is blowing up with notifications of comments and memories again.  Now of course her death saddens me very much, although it's not as deeply as my friend Jimmy's did. I remember her as a sweet soul, who was always so nice to me and made me feel so welcome in the already well established group I was going into.  Yet I sit here at work with all my aches and pains and wonder about my own mortality. If these people who are in "good shape" and for all intense purposes seem to be perfectly fine die suddenly, why the hell am I still here? I mean I really wonder. Look, I have had cancer, I have a stent in an artery, borderline high sugar (which is odd since I dont eat sugar products, well not really lol) so here I am a short roly poly woman and my tests are all negative.  I had a stress test, and I aced it, my heart is fine, my BP is a bit high but thats to be expected due to my weight which my doctors and myself are hoping as I lose more weight those issues will go away. I have really only this past year been more determined than ever to get more fit. It's slow going as I have too many weak moments, I am on track as of latem but I still wonder!  Why am I here? 
     I want to believe that there is something I must still do and there is a reason I am here. I have yet to really figured it out LOL  I am sure there are those who wonder the same thing.  About me as well as themselves :-) To be blunt I don't want to die! I'm really not afraid of death as much as pain. I get these weird morbid thoughts, like in both Jimmy's and Carol cases there are tons of written memories and pictures and the stupid, only child in me wonders what would be on my page.  I think we all like to know we will be missed and I am so nervous that something is going to happen to someone I love and I would never have had the chance to tell them I love them and how much their friendship or being part of my family means to me. Even if the hubs and I are fighting when he leave for work we always exchange I love you's becasue you never know what the day has in store for you. My friends are scattered all over, and across oceans and that fear rears its head and then I over compensate. I mentioned this also in the blog I wrote when Jimmy passed away. I just love the people in my life so much and hope that I leave an impression with them that will last after I am no longer walking this earth.