Whats Love Got to Do With It?

     I think the hardest thing in the world is loving someone. Its also the easiest. Its a mirror effect of sorts. When you're in love, you cry when you are happy, and you cry when you are sad. The most unsettling crying is when you are crying because you are happy for someone, but sad for yourself.
  
It is like that quote:  How perfectly draining to, at the same time, always feel like far too much, and yet never quite enough.

Yep, I've loved the wrong people,at the wrong time, the right people at the wrong time, the right people at the right time and the right people without them knowing it.
But I regret none of it, its who I am. I still know love, from my spouse, from my family, and from my dear friends.
Let me lay another one on you. Basically it states that nothing is forever. BUT things change (or evolve)
“Nothing in the world is permanent, and we’re foolish when we ask anything to last, but surely we’re still more foolish not to take delight in it while we have it. If change is of the essence of existence one would have thought it only sensible to make it the premise of our philosophy.”
― W. Somerset Maugham, The Razor's Edge 
This is a great book, I recommend it.  

When the subject is love, my feelings and emotions have definitely switched. Found the needed balance so to speak, and its even better than before, its deep and real, makes you feel good, not sad. Ive also learned to love additions to my life, and if you truly love someone, it stays with you and lives in your heart, and you are better for it.
Love will change, because if love is ANYTHING; it's adaptable! 

  

So What Will It Be

Okay I'm down 17 pounds in just under 2 months. I wanted more but my meds hinder it I'm told. Okay month is not over yet so I'm hoping to round it out to 20. (or a little more) it's okay as I'm not racing anyone. Thing is on a website I am on one woman dropped 185 pounds. Now of course I'm not planning on losing that but still, the excess skin she showed was a bit troubling. Now first off, major kudos to her. That dedication is fabulous. Now another woman dropped 124 pounds and her excess skin was no where near this other woman's. As a matter of fact she didn't have much at all.  The first woman is going to have surgery and she says it's not as expensive as it used to be and good drs will help you with a payment plan. My wonder is will I need this done, will I be like the second woman as my total loss will be similar to hers? I don't know, I wish I could tell. My Dr says checking me that she tends to think  I will be like the second woman.  I don't know. I mean it's about a year away but a year goes fast. I guess I just need to wait and see. It's just one of those things you don't always see, its something to think about. These women did incredible. So on this subject, check back with me this time next year. Lol
     As for my other main issue, work! I'm still looking. I hate the entire process. Either I have lots of good offerings or nothing much. So far this week it's nothing much. Send sone good luck.
     Lastly. Happy Summer if you live in the northern hemisphere and Happy Winter if you're in the Southern.
Just some thoughts before bed.  Kettle is on the boil so I'm going to brew some tea. Enjoy the night (or morning lol) Ciao for now

Live Life To The Fullest

So weird to write this.  I'm so deep in contemplation but I needed to share.  Nothing on this piece of rock we call Earth is promised. So nothing should ever be taken for granted.  I'm lucky to have several friends I hold dear in my heart. A husband I love and my dad is still here as well.  I've had health issues, stent, uterine cancer, weird fucking leg infection. My friends have had their share as well.  Now in between all this, life happens. My mind is on my friend in England who got the bad news his organs were starting to shut down.  Well seems he went through it and got married yesterday. I was thrilled to hear it, the photos were nice yet I could see the strain in his eyes. Today his sister contacted me to say that he had a heart attack again and is back in hospital.  No idea what's going to happen. Will he have a newlywed widow and I certainly hope not.  I hope he at least gets to the holidays. As sad as this makes me I have to smile because he is living his life. He knows he's fading yet he got married. He wanted to live his life and not give in.  I applaud this. Life is to be lived and cherished and enjoyed. So my friends and those reading.  Live your lives to the greatest extent of your beings. Fuck the naysayers. That's it.  Lol. Ciao for now.

Memorial Day Weekend

So this weekend, well Momday to be exact, we honor the men and women who lost their lives while serving their country. Here in VA, the DC district, and Maryland, we are seeing an influx of motorcycles as Rolling Thunder comes in to pay tribute to their fallen brethren. I have witnessed a teeny section of this and let me tell you watching almost 100 motorcycles coming on to the highway is very impressive. I can only imagine 1000's.  So many forget what this holiday means, so many have no respect for this country. I agree we have a very bad government at the moment. I am not impressed with this country's leader and staff at the moment. But this day is for all that served and did not return. They deserve to be remembered.  I do, that's for sure.
     Today has been a mix of rain and clouds so not the nicest day although the temperature is pleasant. We've been vegging, totally non thinking kind of day. Nothing planned, just some music, Facebook, straightening my make up area. Like I said, nothing special day. Hopefully a drive to the mountains and farmers market tomorrow.  I've been sorting my thoughts, if you understand me.  Just thinking. More money crap has come up, but we will work it through. It's life, I'm trying to stay upbeat as I keep looking for work.  It's hard sometimes, as often as you feel happy, you also feel sad. Unless you've gone through it, you may not get it, and I know some of you have.
     But every day is a new start. Weight is coming off slow but steady. I'm okay with that. I'm on several weight loss boards on Facebook and although not the way I'm doing it, there is still much support and lots of funny posts. Plus Sis is a huge help. She is a great advisor and inspiration. Another inspiration is my overseas friend, I swear he gets thinner every time I see a recent pic of him.
His girlfriend has also lost weight, in their photos from their holiday they both look fab. She is stateside, and I'm hoping to say hi in person one day soon.
    Tangent - it's rainy gently but the windows are open and that sweet mowed lawn smell is coming in. I love that smell.
     I went to get a pedicure the other day, and if I doubted losing weight I knew I had because the chair was so much roomier. Lol. Yep I had room to shift around, didn't touch the sides with my but or tummy. Trust me, that's a huge tell sign. It felt so nice to have it done. They gave me a paraffin foot wax for free as it was my first pedi of the season.  My little sausage toes look so pretty all painted up. I still have to scrunch down in the seat a little so my feet can be fully flat on the chair rest where they actually work on your feet.  As usual they love the tattoos on my legs, they always get smiles.
My tummy does hinder me doing my own pedis as they should be done, can't do the toenail cuticles properly. Hehe but it's cool, they do a great job. And I definitely can bring my legs farther back than before. ( no, won't tell how I know this ).
     I had gotten and email not to long back from another pal over in England. We've only chatted online, never met, but we became online friends. He's getting married soon and I'm very happy for him. He's not well though, and I spoke with his sister and I let her know he hadn't returned my emails recently. She informed me he is starting to have both liver and kidney failures.  I think that's why he decided to get married so fast, speculation on my part of course, but he has 3 children, 2 of them still teens and perhaps he wants to make sure all is legally done. I am very saddened by the news of how bad his condition is. I am not sure how long this can go on or if it can be reversed. I didn't ask, so I will just hope for the best.  I feel a bit selfish when I hear things like this, I mean I'm just looking for work, it can be much worse.
     Just some twaddle on this blog which really comes down to, life is status quo at the moment. Dad is good, as is hubs. My nephew got accepted to the university he wanted, yay :-D. Now to just get a job and life will be complete.  So until next time peeps, ciao for now.

Sleep? Of Course Not

     So it's now just after 1in the morning. I should be asleep. Obviously, I'm not.  I'm listening to the rain hitting the window and enjoying the comfort of my blanket. Watched a show on HGTV using my phone app. Headphones in of course, don't want to wake hubby. I'm feeling cozy, but a bit annoyed. I'd hope to have a job by now. Not letting it get me down. I've had my moments.  Trust me on that one.
     The cat has now jumped up and is purring quite vigorously in my ear. She's like a little furry motorboat sometimes.  Lol. I'll be back in the am, some stuff to chat about. Until then, ciao for now.

Yes, I'm Still Here

     I don't write nearly as many blogs as I used to, just trying to get a grip on life at the moment.  Life really is a series of events , of small things, held together by the occasional big thing.  It's very easy to write about the big events in ones life. The markers of sorts we'll call them. Birthdays, anniversaries, births or deaths. Theses happen daily in the world and are expected. But the better "big things" are those things we plan for. Like buying a new car, or going on vacation. Then there are surprises, kindnesses shown to us by others.  All mentioned can be written about quite easily, and I have :-D
     What's harder is the daily day to day stuff, the thoughts, the dreams, the struggles. They come across, more times that not, as trivial. Defiantly not reading material. Yet I've written about these also. My mind races with thoughts and ideas that sound great in my head, yet I often find difficult to convey in my blog. I see all theses awesome blogs, fashion, make-up, cooking, etc. and I find myself amazed at how put together each one is. It's not the fractured hodgepodge that mine often are.  It's like that shabby chic cottage look. It's lovely, chintz, and distressed wrought iron, usually in bright yet softened colors. The rooms are filled with mismatched sofas and tables, lamps and textiles. Yet the room looks perfectly cozy and inviting.  Now, if I tried this, my room would look like a year of nothing more than hoarding, or at best, a cute junkyard of "stuff".  The everyday thoughts are tough to get down. Example, my days right now are basically the same. I wake up when hubby alarm goes off. We chat and cuddle awhile before he gets ready for work. ( he gets to hear all my mundane ramblings first thing, oh boy!) then he leaves, I go through job applications, shower then off to run errands, come home clean, then off to more errands or just for a drive as I need to see something other than these walls.  A friends laughed, saying that every time we video chat, I'm in my car or a parking lot.  I'm on the go, but never seem to get anywhere.   Mundane can be very boring to those looking in. It does have a comfort about it though. That's the beauty of the little things, the day to day. The bring small spots of happiness.  Like that first sip of tea or coffee in the morning. Or smelling the onions cooking in the pan, knowing dinner will be yummy.  The little things, like finally getting your closet in order. Or putting in your earbuds at night before you sleep to listen to some music. Or the sound of rain on your roof, while your cozy inside. It's these little things that make up your life. We need to appreciate them as much as the big things. And not worry that you're not going to be voted best emotional blog of 2017.
     I do dream though, I've got snippets of thoughts and phrases written down that one day, I believe, will be a kick ass poem, I'm talking fucking amazeballs poem!
My little things right now are concentrating on finding a job, losing more weight, and just trying to be a good person.  That last one I feel I'm good at.  But when something big happens peeps, I'll be sure to write about it. I promise ya that.   So until next time, ciao for now.

Just sayin'

Just an observation: I'm noticing that liberals are called snowflakes, due to that fact they are perceived as whiney. But as soon as anyone speaks out of turn about Trump, people call for boycotts.  Seems that everyone has snowflake capability.  Everyone is going to both agree and disagree with everyone at some point.  How about we all grow up , work together, agree that no one is perfect, that the man in the White House has the ability to be wrong and right. And that that is what freedom of speech is. How about common sense, right from wrong. I am sad for us all right now.

Jack Kerouac, I understand what you mean.

    So I am back in VA, it's  Tuesday, drove in the rain the entire trip. I hate that because the trucks stir up so much must from the tires, it makes it hard to see the road. So let's fast forward to today. One day later.  So after all the driving yesterday plus the week before, I look into the skies and see blue with clouds. So after I replied to several job ads, I went to my trusty steed , aka my 2014 Ford Fiesta Titanium, and off I go.  First to get salad fixings for dinner, then with that sorted, I go on an adventure. Open road, and early in the day, there's not many cars so this drive is a lot better than yesterdays.  So I open my windows to get that wonderful sweet smell of grass. It's divine, I wish I could bottle it. So I'm enjoying the solitude and the lovey views. I can understand wanting to drive cross country. So many things are out there to see. Here we have lots of civil war buildings, old slave quarters, gristmills, stone buildings with small windows. Now we are a young nation so what I'm looking at is all from the 1800's. Now further out, where I did not go, there are older buildings.  Down in Frederick, you can see them, also in other parts of the state. You have Monticello, Thomas Jeffersons digs. Old churches from early colonists. I love looking at them. I love architecture. Old parts of NY, both city and upstate have this appeal also.
     Driving relaxes me when I have no schedule. Just me, bottle of water, full tank of gas.  To me it's therapy, and thoughts go through my head. Some sad, people and memories I miss terribly. I have arguments with myself in my head. I calm my heart with my mind showing the reality and that the best outcome happened. Then those memories become golden. I dream of what ifs, what I would do if I won a lottery, if I got another cool job, lots of things. I see irony too, especially when I look at the electric poles all along the sides of the road. They remind me of crucifixes in a row. Considering I live in the start of the Bible Belt this makes me laugh. On Sunday's early in the mornings are the best time to go out for breakfast. All the good people are worshiping, while us heathens are enjoying our morning scramble and toast. Lol   My mind wanders and resembles Julie Andrews as she comes into view singing The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Music. I even came upon Brigadoon today. Brigadoon Farms, where they raise lots of Moodogs, cows to you and me. Haha. I drove to Upperville and omg they are having a riding of the hounds in a month. They also have polo grounds and play every week. Posh folks up that way apparently.
      So I'm home, watching a Bones repeat. Oddly in this Bones is pissed about plastic surgeons, saying they take away our individuality. That we are born, and our life and experiences shape us. I like this. Im still being shaped. Will be interested in seeing how it continues on. I say that as I don't think we ever end.  I'm even looking way out of my comfort zone for jobs.  I'm nervous one of them will hire me but I know I can do what I put my mind to. I'm ready to move forward.
       Well peeps, time to prepare dinner, so I will say ciao for now.

And Now The End Is Near

of my NYC trip I mean. Its been a blast, got my haircut finally (a little short but it will grow), saw Sis, saw some friends I haven't seen in a long time. And have not had pizza or bagels on this trip, a first for me.
     Its weird, the more I am focusing on weight loss the more I am coming to terms with acceptance. Acceptance of myself, that not everyone looks, feels, or acts like the next person, and thats perfectly okay. That what works for one doesnt need to work for the other. Individuality baby, thats the key. Be the best you ever!!  
     Theres also been some sadness this trip. I didnt get to see my friend from Maine as her mom is in the hospital, she has pneumonia. Another friend, her mother has bacterial meningitis, and a 3rd, her dad is being biopsied and also has fluid around his kidneys.  I tell you, I thank the heavens for my dad everyday. All in all, he's probably healthier than me.
     I also got hooked on a Netflix show titled Versailles. SO GOOD!!! See I finished Grace & Frankie, and this came up as a suggestion.  Two thumbs up.
     There is more but Im not sitting correctly and its uncomfortable to type so I say ciao for now :-D

Are Ya Ready For This

     So Monday was kind of a float day. Spoke with a dear friend and got caught up with him, spoke with Sis. She's so busy, she needs to rest. I'm going to pick her brain when I come up. I've got to get a handle on my weight. I've gone down the rabbit hole & I need to climb back out.  I did get unemployment started but since I technically got 5 weeks of pay in lieu, it could prevent me getting unemployment for an additional 5 weeks. That really sucks.  I got a lump sum and a lump sum of tax took almost half
     Tuesday went slowly. I did get to Trader Joes, I didn't get much as I really didn't look around. The reason? This creeper dude get starring at me and following me around the store, so I left.  Had a good spot too lol
Soooooo fast forward a week. Yep a week's gone by. Got my pin to use for identification finally from the good old Commonwealth. Registered my direct deposit. Now to look for work.  I've put out resumes, wrote down where do on Sunday I can enter them into the database. They want to see you actually applying for work. So be it.
I'm off to NYC but I can't sleep.  Getting up at 7 to shower.  Bags all packed already.  Got to pick up some treats for dad in the morning. And off I will go.  I have a few items arriving there as well. It's going to rain and I needed a new umbrella, so I purchased a rather funky one. It'd a big purple flower design.  A bit gaudy but it's more quirky. It makes me smile and we need smiles on rainy days.  The other is a pink tea kettle. I brought home so much tea from work, do I bought an electric kettle to put in my bedroom.  I spend a lot of time there so this way when I'm relaxing watching Netflix I can just brew a cup of tea right there. I just want to make it my little sanctuary. Dad has a kettle but you need to turn on the stove, this will be faster.
I'm looking forward to this trip.  Oh peeps I had a fucking meltdown the other day. Maybe end of last week.  I'm much better now though.  I have realized several things.  I over think sometimes (shocker I know lol), I am not always into changes in my routines (so much like my dad on that one) and I use food as a crutch. But like any crutch, it's instant gratification, then remorse.  This will stop.  It has to.
Ugh almost 1am.  Why can't I sleep.  I'm upset. I was reading about that old man that was shot in cold blood. In his mid 70's. He was just walking home after Easter dinner.   May he rest in peace, poor man.  Oh his poor family.  It made me scared for my dad. He walks every day. I fear for him but I can't tell him not to.  I just pray the Goddess keep him safe. It's going to be great seeing him too. So with that I'm going to end my blog.  I will have another soon.  So until then, ciao for now

One Day More (& I Don't Mean The Song)

     I went into the system and my reduction in Force information is there. So it's all on paper now and the T's are crossed and the I's dotted.  At least my pay in lieu is in there so thats a plus. Until the tax is taken out  LOL  but hey its extra $ and that's good. I apply for unemployment on Monday and then the week after Easter I will go to see my dad.
Which is going to be lovely. Sis and I are going to go have lobster and catch up. Can't wait!
Plus I am going to cook up a storm for dad.  The kitchen in my NY home is bigger than the one I have in VA. So I like to take advantage of it.
    Im looking out the window at the rain coming down. It feels right somehow.  Im having such mixed emotions, Im sure they will pass.   Im taking all this as a new start, new me :-)

Nothing really going on, so hope you are all having a great day
Ciao for now

Step one...

You know when you should be sleeping but your body is like, sleep? Fuck no, I'm wide awake. Yep it's like that tonight.
Okay let's talk Fitbit. That high tech device that everyone seems to have now and don't other companies jump in on it? Yeah well I have one, it's a Alta HR. HR stands for heart rate in case you were scratching your head on that one. So it resets your steps at midnight. Party animal that I am, I'm asleep, :-)  so when I wake and walk to the bathroom in the morning and see I've taken 72 steps I actually audibly say "huh?"
My toilet is about 12 steps from my bed
, so how the hell did I get 72? Go back into the bedroom and sure enough it now reads 83. Wait I've lost a bathroom step, that's only 11! Wave my hand, 84.  Much better that's 12. So now I wonder what did I do while asleep to get all the steps? Did I direct traffic in the living room, walk around the kitchen table? Or do I toss and turn that much? That has to be it. I never wake in the same position I start out. So how fucking cool is that. I'm losing weight while I sleep.
Hey Mary, you've lost weight, you working out?
No, had a good night's sleep.
I will figure this out, makes about as much sense as celery being negative calories. Yeah​... Look it up!

Alive And Well (getting there at least)

    Its been a rough 5 days peeps, got hit with a bad sinus infection. Thought it was just a migraine at first, which is bad enough, but nope I do nothing half assed! So I am at work now finally and I'm trying not to cough as that send a searing pain through my head.
    It fucking ecos in here lately, there are less and less people here. My last week next Friday and the few stragglers will be the following week.  I'm surprised Im still here. I'm doing emails (all caught up) and going over the ticket the India team are doing.  I hold nothing against these folks, they are just trying to work. My anger is at my company, they are going for the cheap option and I really have no clue of the future they have. I don't see it lasting long,  The merger of the new company is producing a brand new company and Im sure those in the other company have people going through the same thing I am. Like I said many times I wanted to leave on my terms, twas a nice idea LOL
Ive also been ill more lately, my immune system is shot methinks from all the stress. new financial issues, thankfully my angels are near to me.
    Im clearing out my emails as I'd gotten lax in this and as I go through the names and groups the issues come flying back to me. Much help was given and some thanks given in return. A lot from one employee who i do remeber well as they were trouble, several like that LOL But other emails that make you smile and get sentimental. Sincere thanks and kudos from employees that cc'd your manager and that's what customer service is about right?  Ive done this for over 25 years in so many different variation which is why Im looking in different departments now as well as this one. We shall see what comes up.  The real issue with customer service is that you aren't trained in any one thing, you are trained in a little of everything. So i know expense and travel, I know payroll, I know compliance and of course I know HR (my baby for 9 years)  I also know the working how how an envelope is made (no joke) and the shipping and marketing for an ice tea product who's company I worked in corporate for.  So I can handle most things, learn most anything, but how do you get people to see that, when you can't show them a masters degree or at least a bachelor's. Ive had more than one person tell me i could never do what yu do, you have to know so much as well as be a therapist  LOL Well the pay scale for jobs like these don't show it and here I am middle aged, not that that matters as I neither look nor feel it. Although I feel more a pensioner at the moment  LOL So here I  am feeling quite emotional  LOL  in the words of a dear friend  Soppy Cow i am  
Ciao for now peeps

You Know When...

...you think things are bad and then BAM!!! they gets worse?  I'm being dramatic, as its not worse, it's more a lateral chaos.  So now instead of having the new India employees watch me as i share my screen on skype they are now sharing theirs. We have been taking training turns with the latest 5 newbies and I had them two days ago, the girl today is getting the same issues with then as I did so at least I know it isn't just me. LOL   They now have access and we all feel they should sit with the people who got access last week and are taking calls all week now You learn better that way, that's how we do it here. You shadow someone to see what they do and you can hear the calls yourself.
Ive trained so many people this way, it works well.  ANyway, now I am reviewing their tickets and marking errors and having them fix them. Plus I am on skype to answer all their questions as they speak to the people calling in. No lie, I had 4 of the India people skyping me with questions all at once it got a bit hectic. Whats frustrating is that you tell them the steps as well as our other people training them have and yet they do not do them.  We cant see if they are taking notes or what, but they are asking questions we know we all went over many many times.  ANYWAY!!!! its over on the 7th  Mixed emotions there for sure    I have drank so much tea Im getting good exercise just getting up to go wee so much  LOL

I got the new fit bit as the other died and even added a new band to it so it is silver. It looks even more like a watch now  :-D   I have been being bad, as I mentioned but i need to ground & center myself and get back on track. Im not being weak, I'm being apathetic which is really bad.  So butter my butt and call me a biscuit Im going to be good again.  I'm still just as pretty though LMAO

So ciao for now peeps just wanted to say hi as I sip my Yorkie Gold tea and take a moment away from the crazy that is my office :-)


ADDING THIS:

I am really agitated and I can't even say it to whom I'm upset with. UGH!!!!!  Don't you hate that? And that makes you even more agitated. lol  Venting helps  :-D

First in many months

     I've been keeping a stiff upper lip about losing my job. My mind says hey do what you must but Friday at work the first wave so to speak left. I said goodbye to 6 people iced worked with, laughed with for years. The office was strangely quiet after they left. I am sad. I am mad, I am scared.
     I've been dieting for months and doing really well. But I've been stressed. I get these bouts of tears at night.  I have been taking my Valium to actually get a full nights sleep.  I can't smoke a bowl as I will need to be taking a drugs test. Although I don't consider herb any more crazy than liquor. Not even as bad. BUT it is what it is. Now tonight hubs and I are relaxing and I was like fuck it. We've drank some beers and laughed. Now beer doesn't get me drunk, Guinness treats me nice,  but beer, unless it's a good beer like Killians or Peroni, takes me at least a 6 pack to get a buzz. Now thesis PBR, a classic but what I like to call pee beer.  It's what you drank in the garage at 15, before you found Heineken lol. But I had 3 and I've not had any alcohol, so I'm buzzed. Maybe because it is cheap beer it's hitting me. My bet is on the not having anything alcoholic but I'm enjoying this feeling. It's hot in here, it's raining so it's humid. But I put the fan on.  I got some fuckin killer burps out too. I'm talking epic!
     I'm listening to Chuck Berry, he died today. Damn shame but he was 90. He was married to the same woman and seems like his life was good. May he RIP
     Did I tell you, we watched Sausage Party. Holy shit!! I was crying, it was laugh out loud funny. The ending, omfg!! Watch it.  
I'm off for now but hope you're weekend is going great, ciao for  now

Happy St. Patrick's Day

This is a day of mixed feelings for me. When I was young I loved it, Im half irish (dad's side) so I celebrated my Celtic heritage -  I still am drawn to it but now I also follow the old ways. The nature based Celtic religion, call it Wicca, call it Witch , call it pagan. I find it comforting and I personally do not like organized religion.  (sorry tangent)
But ST.Patrick drove the "snakes" out of ireland.  Um they don't have snakes per say. They were referring to the Druids. This makes me angry.  Preach your religion but don't demand I follow it. So for me today is a celebration of my heritage and not necessarily St.Patrick.  Oddly enough my Dad's dad was born on this day as was my Sis' mom.  So thats good reason to celebrate the day

So I wish you all Luck, and Love and something good to drink and eat.

So what does an Irish lass as herself eat for lunch on St. Paddy's day? Why sushi of course HEHE
Today it is Unagi (eel)with avocado and a trade with a co worker for a few shrimp with avocado :-)
There were leftovers,  so I gave them to my co-worker to finish, he got another 5 pieces of mine  lol

So Ciao for now peeps, until next time

Palette Of Life

Blank canvas - she reaches for her brush
what to paint, she wants to paint what she feels
reaches for yellow, such a happy color but she chooses the darker shade 
still yellow but not as pure
life has dulled a bit
maybe a little more bleach in her life
get rid of the roadblocks and bugs 

Perhaps a little blue now
oh yes a rich deep blue
color of oceans 
color of sadness
color of calm
feeling all at once can make you feel crazy

Red is the next
passion, anger, blood
blood spilled in anger 
blood appearing in passion
carnage all around
controlled chaos 
ruby red liquid in a glass

Lets go green now
save the planet, save ourselves 
lush grass under bare feet
smell of summer, smell of earth
in the sky green shows storms coming
going from lush to lost
in one small plot of grass

and after the storm 
Look
a rainbow
all the pretty colors
she looks at her canvas
she sees them all there
each one holding meaning
holding her truths
holding her fears 
holding her down

Slowly she reaches for the brush
pure white is the choice 
time to redo
remove
rebuild 
restart
and 
remember
It can all begin over
she walks away and on her canvas 
no longer blank 
is one word

FORGIVENESS

A Huge Thanks

I know there are a few of you who read my blog quite often. Is it to see into my weird thoughts, interesting tales or simply to see how many words I spell incorrectly?   The latter I'm betting. Lmao Well no matter what the reason, I want to say THANK YOU  I truly appreciate it.  You matter quite a lot to me.  It's quarter to one in the morning and I can't sleep so I just wanted to let you all know.  About the thankful thing, not the lack of sleeping part.  -_-
Ciao For Now peeps

By All Accounts

     In my life I think I've lost about 160 pounds. I've been living on and off for probably 17 years. Oddly I've never gained back my original loss of 45 pounds way back in 1997, which for those of you who know me, can realize - I'm a large unit. So I've lost weight and gained some back, in doing this several times I've lost my tits mainly.  So not fair, that when I gain it back, it never goes back to them.  I must stay on track this time, if for the sake of the girls.  Like I've told my friend, they are starting to look like two empty wallets.  I've been rather sick. Got that flu like bug that so many are getting. I've gained almost 2 pounds. Had soup with crackers and not eating right.  Yesterday for the first time I made a roast. Felt good to cook. Poor hubs was playing nursemaid, now he's feeling poorly. I have cottage cheese and strawberries for my snack tomorrow, protein shake for breakfast then salad with some avocado for lunch. Dinner is leftover roast with some form of veg. Thinking brussells. Very healthy day, and as you can see, quite filling. It's coming in at about 725 calories.  My fitness pal wants me at 1200, my doctor says at least 1000 but agrees with 1200. Maybe 2 veg, I love asparagus so I may have that too. That's a sampling of food, I do sometimes crave the goodies. Especially these past few days. When I'm sick, I want comfort food. (That's if it's not intestinal) Lol.  

I'm actually a very lucky woman. I have a stent, so life has been forgiving to me, in the fact that I'm here. My stent was a surprise. My Doctor told me that if I needed one, it's in a good place, away from my heart.  It's a family thing, my mom, my uncle and my cousins all have heart issues. So why am I so stupid in the fact I let myself go? Dr said it has more to do with family history than body size. Maybe, but why tempt fate? So I'm down 57 pounds now, ( well 55 again) & have always to go but it's a fine start. So here's to us all who are watching what we eat. 

      Another issue and it kind of goes hand in hand, is I  will be needing to interview for a new job shortly.  As I mentioned a few times, I will no longer be at my company, as my position is being outsourced. So I'll be interviewing, and I really hate the little glances you get when your fat. They think you don't notice, but you do. Newsflash. I feel more comfortable interviewing with an older person to be honest. Those younger women, you know,  the ones who have ankles, tend to judge you a bit harsher. Look, I did my stint wearing 3 or 4" heels to work back in the day, now I go for the 2.5" or kitten heels when I interview.  I still look good, hair and make up in place but gods, hearing all the thanks but no thanks, it gets to you. I am taking a little time to sort myself out. Visit NYC for a solid week or little more. Do a few things in my own home that need more than a weekends attention. Of course, I am applying for unemployment. So it should be fine for a few months. But I'd like to be set in a position by summertime. So fingers crossed and all good wishes appreciated. 

     Well, it's half 10 and I'm going to go shower so all I need to do in the morning is wash my hair. I must get to work. Gave to go train my replacements. Fuckin A!! So until next time - ciao for now. 

 

Well....

BOLLOCKS - TWATWAFFLE - CUNT - MOFO 
So hows your day ? LOL   

Actually just getting out a little frustration. I'm actually really good today. Today is Theodor Seuss Geisel's birthday AKA Dr, Seuss.  So may wonderful stories and quotes that we all grew up and learned from. I love his works and one of my favorite quotes is :Why Blend In When You Were meant To Stand Out"    
Just a great validation to read to yourself every day as we often forget that we all have something to bring to the table. 

So that's it for today, remember this quote and have a fab day 
Ciao For Now :-)